We lost a cat this week. Sarah. She was a really good cat…white with blue eyes. But she got old. Twelve years. It was time. I said good-bye and my husband was nice enough to take her to the vet. I miss her, but we have plenty of other pets. Three dogs and three cats. Two of the cats are not my fault. One was my mother’s and one is my son’s. I think we are close to being on TV as “pet hoarders”.
I just got back from my psychiatrist’s office. Sometimes I think that is a waste of time. He could just phone in more meds. Maybe that would work. He wants me to keep a calendar of anxiety and mood levels. This is to help know how the Rexulti is doing. I’m on 1.0 on the Rexulti but the 1.0 has only been three days. It needs more time.
My psychologist says this blog is a good place to unload. So here we go: I am sick of being sick. I have some situational depression and would like to have a pity party. I can’t really do this with friends so I will do it with you. (Actually, I consider you guys friends….) I have been wondering what my life would have been like without my absent and/or shitty parents. I wonder what my life would have been without mental illness.
Of course, I am old enough to know that most people had bad childhoods. Apparently, not many people knew how to parent. If you had a meal and a roof over your head that was good enough.
I also wonder what life would have been like with some money. Not wealth, but enough to go to a fancy college and have parental support. Or join a sorority. That kind of stuff that other kids were able to do. But this is a pity party. I’m sure lots of you had it worse.
But most of all, I imagine life without mental illness. I would not have lost so many friends. (I just lost a good one so am a bit sensitive there.) I would have been more successful at jobs. I might have been able to go to law school. I would have been a better principal and not so subject to the whims of stress.
I feel like my life is over. I have nothing more to achieve other than perhaps to be a good wife, mother, and possibly grandmother. I can still be a good friend if they don’t all wander off because I am afraid to leave the house to see them. Most all of them have bent over backwards to keep things going.
I am off the couch a little more and have been taking more showers. But I get so tired.
I took my daughter for a spa day on Saturday. We got massages and hung around by the pool. It was great and she appreciated it. I hung in there and stayed as long as she wanted. She teaches school and has a spring break coming up. I made a list of things we might both do together. She is good company.
I also have been playing a board game called “Pandemic- Legacy”. My husband has a friend who is crazy about board games. They needed another warm body so I am doing it. It’s fun but extremely complicated, at least for me.
I went to church Sunday. It seems like every week I meet someone nice there. They’re having a garage sale and I plan on going to help. I hope there is some good junk to buy. I love to get a few things at garage sales.
I wanted to say how much it has helped to read around here on the different mental health blogs. It is as though many of them are writing for me. Fellow sufferers just can’t be beat.
I’m still becoming more home bound. I just don’t like to go many places. I see concerts and things I might like to go to, but then I think of being scared to ride or drive there. I think of getting too tired.
I have a forlorn looking quilt sitting on my sewing table. It just needs a border. But it has been waiting and right now I have given up. It just doesn’t seem very fun. It is a pretty quilt, though, and I hope I can get back to it. My book has also taken a big hit. I had some support to do that, but I lost that and it just seems pointless. But that sounds like depression talking, right?
As my doctor says, at least I am not seeing or hearing things right now. That’s a big improvement.
Back to the friend thing, I applaud all of you who hang with us mentally ill folks. It must be really hard to understand if you’ve never been psychotic. Or to listen to someone who is depressed, when maybe you don’t see anything to be depressed about. Or maybe to put up with someone cancelling because they are scared to go out.
My husband is cheerful. He puts up with all of this in a positive way. It helps a lot that he is semi-retired and doesn’t have to go to the office every day. He is just one of those people who have been blessed with a positive chemical balance. He is damned lucky.
So now that I have had my pity party, I hope you are still speaking to me.
love to all,