I am at a loss as to what to write. I do not feel bad. I do not feel good. I feel like the sine wave that is my life has flat-lined and the boat I sail in is not rocking as hard as it had been there for a bit. For a while, I thought I was going to land myself in the hospital for the first time in 4 years.
I was up, then I was down. I spent the better part of one day crying because of some delusional (yes, I know when I am about to break with reality) idea that my boyfriend of a little more than a year was actually more interested in someone else. Completely fabricated by my mind to make me insane. My rational brain knew it wasn’t true, but the siren song of delusion and near psychotic thought had me in tears from the time I woke up until I just cried myself out. The next day, I was back up.
And, so it went for about a month; up and down, up and down, up and down. I have to say rather unpoetically that it sucked. Now, however, I don’t find myself rocking so viciously, and I am not sure how I feel about that. I am not used to living on an even keel. I have never been on an even keel…..ever. So, now I am at a loss. I don’t know how to act. This is a whole new level of Bipolar weirdness; the level where you do not feel “polar.” I can’t remember ever feeling like this. I am not too worried about it though. It shall pass. Soon, I hope. It is nearly as uncomfortable as meeting someone’s parents for the first time. Or, like you have finally achieved comfort within your mind. That mind betrays me a lot. We do not have a great working relationship, and right now the rational and the irrational are on speaking terms. It feels weird. I suppose I should be happy that the voices have quieted down for a bit. Part of me really wishes they would start talking again. I am used to that constant chatter; this lack of chatter is something that I do not think I have experienced before now.