Daily Archives: February 20, 2016
My new favorite app is NAMI Air. It’s a free, anonymous social network for people with mental illness and their caregivers. You can write a post about what you are thinking or feeling, and others can click on “like”, “hug”, or “me too!”. If they click “me too!” they are given an opportunity to write […]
What I learned yesterday is that…People in general are without empathy. I was having a terrible day with everything going wrong, Hell, I couldn’t even add minutes to my phone because the website dicked me around for three days over my email address…I had EVERY right to feel defeated and grumpy. I was wrestling with the kind of anxiety that basically turned an outspoken badass woman into a silent statue…Which of course mundanes perceive as grumpy poutiness. THEN my lifeline laptop blue screens me and I get, hey, at least you have that “new” laptop left at the shop. Sure, and if one of your kids dies, you can just use the spare. Oh and the car breaks down so I have to rely on my sister to fetch Spook and she almost forgot. WTF.
And not a bit of empathy to be found from any of my “People”. Just several mutterings of, “She can’t be made happy.”
I call this the gratitude trap. Mundanes don’t get mental disorders so of course, if we don’t respond “normally” with sunshine spewing and pompoms, we are ungrateful and self absorbed brats. To an extent, I get it. I probably should have come from court feeling most triumphant cos seventy a week for her seventy less for him. Witnessing his fakeness “Oh, I want Niki to have full custody, I just want visitation once this is all settled”) followed by his outrage when the lawyer asked if he’d agree to some back support…GRRR. No, I didn’t feel grateful.
What I felt was fucking filled with self hate that I chose this loser to be a father for my child. How could I have been so fucking stupid? How I am any better than him? She deserves better parents than both of us. So, no, I was not focused on being greedy about money. I was just plain sad that Spook got this as her lot in life. He didn’t even ask about her yet again, just wanted her social so he could add her to his insurance and get the court off his back. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SUCH AN IDIOT???? I can’t even claim I was smitten. I questioned his every sentence, caught him in so many lies (not even about important stuff), I always knew not to trust him which was why everything went in my name and I never let him drive my car…I knew. And still….
Damn it, sometimes, guilt and self loathing trumps gratitude.
I am also stressed about the insurance bit as it doesn’t cover dental or vision and she wears glasses so obviously she needs eye care…Then he and I will be 25% liaible each for what isn’t covered. Cos I have money to fucking spare, this has worked out so well for me. Thank god she is healthy aside from the eyecare. I don’t want to have to deal with him over glitches with the insurance card, which I wonder, will her pedatrician take or will I have to upset that part of her world…
And yeah, you can say I am making it all about me, but without me, what does she have? So if I am busy having a meltdown my kid doesn’t have her mom. It’s all connected. Besides, have you heard me say a word about “gimme that back support money to spend wily nily”? Nope. My only concern is a better car to haul her around in. This is about upsetting our lives as little as possible.
There was one highlight at the courthouse. Donor said something and I responded and then he said something and Mrs R snapped, “DON’T YOU TALK TO HER LIKE SHE’S STUPID!”
It hit me at that moment that he always talked to me that way. I complained I felt he was condescending but he convinced me I was taking everything out of context, cos of my mental issues, cos of my personality, cos of my dysfunctional family…For once someone else witnessed it and that felt good. For ten seconds before I went back to “were you in a coma when you found this guy???”
Today, thankfully, has gone better. The car is running, I got my phone minutes finally, Dad took Spook out for lunch so I get a break, and the weather is 70 degrees, sunny, and I am sweating instead of shivering…
I still feel tapped out. I will grocery shop another day. I know people view this as avoidance but really…If you’d just had surgery, people would encourage you to take it easy a day or two.Well, when faced with that much anxiety and adversity in one day, I feel like a surgical case who needs to take it easy a day or two.
So..I am NOT without gratitude. Spook will be getting support so next time she asks to go to cheerleader day camp, maybe mommy can actually say yes, I can afford that.
At the same time…I am NOT gonna do cartwheels, shake pom poms and claim to be grateful for shitty days like yesterday.
Mundanes wouldn’t be expected to because everyone has a bad day.
For whatever reason, if you’re bipolar,you don’t get a bad day, you just have bad behavior and ingratitude.
Goatwhore cockweasel ass trashers.
I’ll be honest with everyone — I wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the week with everyone alive. Because of course, severe depression chose to coincide with half-term, also known as one of those times in the year I’ve got both kids home with me… rapture. Mind, Smallhausen is six and pretty good at entertaining herself now (and finally will go off elsewhere in the house on her own, insert chorus of angels here). So she really wasn’t too much in the way. Littlerbit mainly cooperated too. I mean like, really, all I had to do was make sure they were fed and not killing each other or being killed by me, but I think all of us know that sometimes that’s a tall freaking order.
But yes, everyone is alive, and I even managed to get caught up on work stuff. I seriously didn’t think that was going to happen atop having to care for kids. I guess finally having a replacement for my old pedal exerciser (tl;dr used it to death) helped a bit, or coincidentally arrived around the same time I started feeling a tiny bit more functional on the back of my appointment. I’ll be honest — I don’t care if I’m fat or obese. Weight and health are not related, and 100% of the health problems I have now I had when I was 100 pounds soaking wet (and some of them have been improved by weight gain). But because chronic fatigue means that I’m a bit limited in puttering around, it pleases me to get some movement done on the daily. And because it’s something I can do without thinking about it, I don’t risk the rapid cycling, self-harm, and severely over-reacting OCD that comes with trying to exercise ‘properly’.
My in-laws are very pragmatic people. For Christmas, instead of buying a bunch of stuff that I may or may not like, my mother-in-law purchased me a journal, a box of chocolates, and gave me a card with money in it (and another card with money in it for my birthday the month after). My mother-in-law knows that I write a lot, so she likes getting me diaries and journals, even if I’m never quite sure what I am going to use them for. This one, however… is too gorgeous to not use. It took me a bit to decide what I was going to do with it, and then it came to me — mood journal! Yeah like, I have my two daily blogs that I do for me already, but something about scribbling this stuff down specifically in a journal that I can show to my doctor? It made sense to me. And she was happy to see it too — she even complimented my handwriting (which I am intensely vain about, so yanno, thanks ).
I guess that the tl;dr boils down to the fact that I’m managing to function a bit better than expected, but I’m still feeling pretty depressed and anxious. It’s a tiny bit better some days, a tiny bit worse others. Hopefully I’ll have a better idea of things by the time I see Dr. K next.
Hope everyone out there is well.
I have had the day from Hell. Court. Where the donor has to pay a whopping seventy bucks a week child support and I am fairly sure my lawyer is trying to be friends with the donor…Who made appropriate gestures of emotion if you don’t know what a fake he is.
My car was broken down, dad bought the needed parts, had to wait 7 hours for R to fix it.
My beloved laptop Ass TRash I am so attached to blue screen of death’d me.
Now I am using this “new” laptop left behind at the shop and the idget never didm replace the keyboard as told so I am battling a foreign barely functioning keyboard.
Mr and Mrs R have both taken my withdrawal and wariness as some sort of “she can’t be made happy” thing.
And to top it off, I am now stuck using this obnoxious white and blue wordpress page whereas before I had saved a link to the old school black and white. I WANT IT BACK.
I doubt I will post much of this blinding template is my only option.
Sometimes I just don’t like change. And sometimes, what others consider “simpler” and “an upgrade”….It’s just rubbish .
I am going to bed. I have nothing left to give today.
I had the most views ever in one day today at 201 views! 124 of those were the”I am in awe and so inspired” post at https://bipolar1blog.wordpress.com/2016/02/19/i-am-in-awe-and-so-inspired/
Well I can see what my audience wants, awesome and inspiring posts! Sheesh, how do I do awesome and inspiring everyday? Fine, I’ll try to. Next weekend I am going to Kamp Kessa, a women’s weekend at a horse ranch called Cedar Fire Farm. They have beautiful horses and it is meant to be a very peaceful and healing time. Can’t wait for that. Of course expect lots of pictures. Hugs for all.