Daily Archives: February 8, 2016

Another Essay Down

I got back another positive review on my second essay from my professor.  She suggested cutting the first paragraph but beyond that had nothing critical to say about it.  I wonder what she’ll think of my one for a grade next time.  I’m writing about when I actually lost my mind in the summer of 2005(my car wreck and Hurricane Katrina).  I had a limit of 2500 words and it’s a bit beyond that by maybe a hundred words.  Some variance is allowed though.

I’m starting to have a little less self-loathing.  I went back to bed this morning with no recriminations and no condemnation.  I just may have to accept that I need more sleep in the mornings to function and just leave it at that.  I don’t know.  I do feel better than I have been doing, so maybe the Pristiq is working.  That would be nice.   I need to function for this family to function properly.  I can’t just give up.  If it were just me, maybe I could.  But kids have to be fed and clothed and my husband needs care and feeding too.  I’m hoping this can be a permanent attitude change.  We will see.

 

 


Super Bowl 50: Better Than The Highest High

Super Bowl 50 was definitely a high point for this mostly-depressed bipolar chick. I screamed, I cheered, I kicked my feet, I jumped up and down and generally went totally mad.  It was a high like no other!  I’ll tell you a secret:  I thought the Panthers were going to KILL us!  I was still traumatized by the beating we took two years ago at the hands of the Seattle Seahawks, a game I was unfortunate enough to watch in the looney bin.  For so many reasons, it’s a game I’d love to forget.  This game, however, is one I’ll remember forever.  It’s kind of like a metaphor for life – I was afraid to hope!  Afraid to hope, yet cheering every little bit of progress, and as the time went by, a little piece of me was saying, “Could this be?  Could they actually win?” – and it begs the question. Can this be? Can we actually win in this fight against this deadly disease?  I think, against the odds, bit by bit, minute by minute, small fight by small fight, that we can!  I see people write about what they’ve accomplished in a day, and it’s a LOT by my standards, and they’re still beating up on themselves!  The key I think is to celebrate the victories.  And the victories are all around us.  You got out of bed?  Winning!  You went to work?  Winning!!  You made a meal?  Did your laundry?  Exercised?  WINNING!!!  Let’s celebrate it all, and build on it.  That’s what I’m going to do this week.  Little by little, bit by bit, small win by small win, I’m going to beat this disease.  Just today.  And today becomes a week.  And a week becomes a month.  And so on.  We have our ups and downs, but let’s be our own best friends.  Let’s be our own best cheerleaders.  WE CAN DO THIS, PEOPLE!  Have a great week!  BPOF


Filed under: Bipolar, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader, Winning At Bipolar

Ssssetting My Sssights Lower for Ssssanity’s Sssake

  This post will sound like I’m getting worked up over something minor, but it’s not minor to me. While it’s another diatribe about an attitude I’ve been faced with by the bipolar & postpartum advocacy groups, there are a few new, juicy tidbits to explore. (I’ve written about this before here.) This blog was created first and foremost … Continue reading Ssssetting My Sssights Lower for Ssssanity’s Sssake

What The Hell Have I Been Up To?

This is not a new post. I posted this yesterday, but there was a database crash and I lost it all. Fortunately I had most of it saved on Word. What have I been doing? Quite a bit actually. Here’s an update on some items: Mental Health Nothing but good news here. The past few […]

The post What The Hell Have I Been Up To? appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

Social Anxiety Hierarchy

A while back in “I can’t drink and drive!” I made a hierarchy of steps for addressing my anxiety about driving.  Due to being without a car after my accident, then in inpatient, then on vacation I didn’t have a lot of time to work on these steps before the deadline for which I needed […]

Life, You Are River Dancing On My Last Nerve

Yeah, yeah, wtf is with the river dance references, Morgue? What can I say, scumbag brain latches onto something and…off we go.

So yesterday…Dad brought my kid back. Spook had to take Chaos out to show him what a cute kitty she is. At which point he starts griping that the cat weighs almost nothing, do I feed her…WTF? She’s five months old and one of those lean cats. The other cats are fluffy fatasses, sue me. Then Dad started bitching about my yard looking trashed and the old microwave sitting outside giving off radiation and….JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP, IF THE LANDLORD ISN’T ON MY ASS, WHY IS IT YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS, OLD MAN????

Then he and stepmonster started stomping on my hormonally fried emotions. “Spook had such a good time.” “We took her here and there, she got to do this, we took her out to eat, the church gave her toys…Our dog just loves when she comes over and she adores him…” Gloomy emotions made me go silent as I pondered my utter uselessness as a parent because I can’t afford to take her places and I don’t have a big dog for her to play with and…Maybe she’d be better off with them, maybe I am just a waste of fucking space…

I was glad when they left. If I want to feel shitty about myself, I have a scumbag brain to do it. And a kid.

I managed a shower yesterday, which felt like a major victory, sad as it is.

Then after two days moping in bed in pain I decided to give this “moving around cures cramps” thing. It worked. For about an hour. I even lifted a forty pound bag of cat food to put into our bucket. And then the cramps came back twice as bad and I returned to my blankie fort. Fucking LIES. Just like “exercise will help depression”. What they fail to discern is that it’s a short burst of “I feel okay” like having a soda and then you’re splat again. LIES. Society and its fucking LIES.

In an act that’s not my normal skin flinted nature, I took my kid through the Mickey D’s drive thru for a Happy Meal. I didn’t feel like cooking or battling her over what to cook. Plus that’s twice in one week I’ve had both mom and dad point out how deprived my child is because I can’t afford to take her out to eat. I doubt I’d be so easily guilted if I weren’t so hormonal and hyper sensitive. But it is what it is and it made her happy so whatever.

I got her to bed with only a couple of tantrums. I don’t even remember what they were about now. Probably her screaming at me. Which was another bone of contention with dad and stepmonster. I reminded Spook she couldn’t play on her swingset because of her behavior Friday getting her grounded. She poutily looked at stepmonster who says, “I’m not the one that grounded you, don’t look at me.”

Niiiice way to back me up, you witch. They tell me I “put up” and “let her get away” with her bad behavior but then when I try to toughen up on her, I get no back up. It felt disrespectful.

Sleep was its normal “wake and sleep” cycle. She climbed in bed with me at some point. I had a bitch of a time getting back to sleep. Off and on, my left knee kept aching. Painfully. Normally, it’s my right knee that gives all the trouble. Surprise. Today’s the left knee, it’s swollen like a grapefruit and hurts if i bend or stand or walk on it. My mom used to say when her knees hurt it meant the weather was going to change. I thought she was nuts.

It snowed last night and after a weekend in the fifties, we’re down in the twenties. I guess that achy knee superstition has some merit after all.

So I finally survive the worst of the ovary oompa loompas only to have grapefruit knee. Excellent, Smithers.

I don’t see myself getting much done today. The cold gloom and snow are not helping me want to power beyond the aching knee. Who knows, maybe by swearing off housework I will eventually accomplish something.

Ya know, I really would like to post something positive.

Unfortunately, positive things are allergic to me, I guess.

I just know if I can survive the rest of the winter and this court thing with the donor…Maybe just maybe the spring warmth will lift me out of this hole. Even partially would be fine with me. I am not looking forward to my doctor appt in March and telling him I’m still not magically cured. I dread that resigned look, that repeated too much, “You’ve been on everything…” Not to mention the new formulary for my script plan pretty much nixes trying anything new. No more Focalin.No more Restoril.

And I still need to get my lab work done for the 1200mg lithium but damn it, I keep forgetting to take the evening dose so no point getting an inaccurate read…It’s not laziness, it really is too much going on in my brain. I keep saying I am gonna set my phone alarm. Except alarms freak me out and give me panic attacks so…

I am one steaming hot mess.

Not yet 9:30 a.m. and I am ready for a xanax.

When I die, I am donating this scumbag brain to science. Let them figure it out and maybe learn something so no one else has to feel like this their entire life.

Then once they’re done, I’d suggest an exorcism, a cremation,and burying the brain about 12 feet down and covering it with concrete.

It’s an evil brain, I am telling you.


A string of good days

Hear ye, hear ye! I’ve been having the best time lately. Last week I was approached to complete a standing writing project. I’ve been unemployed for the last two years so this bit of income will really help. More importantly, working again (even though this is not what I studied to do) is doing wonders […]

A string of good days

Hear ye, hear ye! I’ve been having the best time lately. Last week I was approached to complete a standing writing project. I’ve been unemployed for the last two years so this bit of income will really help. More importantly, working again (even though this is not what I studied to do) is doing wonders […]

Shut Up, Jerkbrain (Bored Already)

((Thanks to my friend Sarah for coining ‘jerkbrain’ this morning on Facebook))

Hard to not laugh at Smallhausen RPing Neko Atsume

Right now, I am joining the lovely Marisa in gritting my teeth and admitting that I am depressed. I’d been teetering on the edge for some time with occasional spikes coming out of The Pit of Nothing™®, but mainly I’d been able to hold it together. Then I had two shitty things happen in one morning, and off into The Nothing. Rude. It’s been paired up with some rather severe headaches, which serves as a distraction of sorts, but really. Really.

It’s also annoying because at the same time, I’m having a lovely time. I’m enjoying my hobbies and my family, which are the two most important things in my life. I feel legit happy, the whole warm swelling heart full of joy sort of thing. Is it hypomania? I am thinking no, not really. I don’t have any drive to do a million things or to spend irresponsibly — even having been handed a wodge of cash for my birthday and Christmas from my in-laws, I’m only halfway through it, AND I tend to cross-reference every purchase with my husband out of respect for family finances. I don’t -have- to and I am sure he trusts me to spend wisely, but by the same token, he’ll let me know when he’s waffling over buying something for himself. Irritability? Well yes, some, but that’s to be expected with a six-year-old who repeats everything 20 times, and a ninja toddler who steals everything she’s not supposed to (and then follows up getting caught by kind of hilarious hysterics).

It’s sort of weird to be depressed and mainly happy at the same time, but it’s that whole ‘chemical sad’ that I’ve mentioned in past posts. I am hoping that upping my antidepressant again will do the do, but we’ll see what Dr. K thinks when I see her next week. I’m seriously hoping that’s the route we go, as I don’t want to change medications yet. Sertraline (Zoloft) has generally worked for me. It was doing fine until I came off of it due to pregnancy, and it’s well… I don’t know. Maybe it hasn’t done as well since I’ve gotten back on it. Maybe it’s crashing and burning faster. Or maybe it’s not working as well because I put on weight thanks to the Depakote… thanks Depakote, ‘winning’ where Seroquel didn’t. *mutters*

So yeah, woo feeling on the brink of tears for no reason. It’s grand. *rolls eyes* Bored of it all already. Hopefully y’all out there are doing better than that though.

<3

The bipolar roller coaster

Riding the emotional high’s and low’s of the Bipolar Roller Coaster can take its toll. At some point we all meet with a crisis or breakdown, causing us to fall […]