Daily Archives: February 5, 2016

Sad to say, I lost today’s lithium lottery. My stomach is killing me, my innards are doing gymnastics, and I can’t decide if I just need to gag, cough, or actually throw up. This shit every single day is fucking AWESOME. Not. Such a shame ‘cos lithium works so well. The side effects are always what wears me down and makes me go off the stuff. They should fix that shit.

It‘s been a long week. Two out of six days with my kid were very good days. The rest…let’s just say I’d have been crying in a closet if I had the mental ability to organize instead of jamming every closet full of flotsam and jetsam.

Mom called last night with more bad news. She has to have a biopsy on the 17th, the doctor found like black spots on her pap smear and he wants to rule out cancer. Last year it was a breast biopsy…Geesh. I’m sweating this because…my kid’s not ready to lose her grandma yet. I’m a big girl, I know one day my parents will die. Spook can’t grasp that death thing yet, or even people being very ill. So for mom’s sake and Spook’s sake…I pray the results aren’t anything serious. (Mom’s been to the outpatient doc six times in two years for this same issue and they just kept sending her home with antibiotics, so…it doesn’t bode well if something was wrong and they missed it.)

I guess it’s easy to forget how shitty someone is to you when they could be very sick. Except I don’t forget. I just become more wary. It’s taken six days to get my kid back on track with home rules. I think no matter how much I need a break, I am gonna have to limit her exposure to my mom and all the people who live there who confuse her with their “no rules”.

I think I am on R’s shitlist. I texted him about mom’s deal and said I needed a drink and he came back with, “Not good. I figured that beer I left in your fridge would have been gone days ago.”  And since I was upset already, that just made me angry and I sent back, “Your empathy is appreciated.” I know what happens any time I expect empathy and point out his inability to give it. I am in the wrong.

Just get so sick of the rudeness. If a misanthrope like me can fake her way through empathy and being civilized, why can’t the so called “socially acceptable”?

Maybe pms has started early. Like, real early. IDK. I just guess I expected a half hearted, “sorry to hear your mom may be sick.”  Does that make me ridiculous?

I had a good cry. I did not drink the beer in the fridge. I took melatonin and fetalized in fort blankie with Droxy cat and Feetish.

There needs to be a new word. I don’t hate people.

I hate MEAN or RUDE people. There is a difference. I try to give everyone (even Justin Bieber fans and religious people) the benefit of the doubt right up til they’re force feeding their fixations down my throat….

But if despising those who abuse children, harm animals, bully others, or are too ignorant to “agree to disagree” makes me a misanthrope…I guess that term applies.

(Well, there’s five minutes I won’t get back due to a lithium induced gagging fit…)

I guess there are some positive things to toss out. I finally got that laptop left at the shop running and virus free. After 18 hours and using four programs which found just shy of 3000 infected files. I reiterate my policy about your “IQ must be —–this tall, to own a computer.”  Not snotty. JUst…if you don’t know what you’re doing, ASK. That’s how I learned, never taken a computer class in my life. Trial and error and asking for help when I needed it. Too many infested computers come into that shop but hey, I got a free laptop (one hinge was busted and missing the plastic piece so the metal hinge shows through) but it’s Win 7,decent computer. The odd thing is…I am still bonded with this ancient Dell. I do that, bond with my computers. No matter its flaws or limitations, this thing has been my bestie for two years now. I think the Asus will be for moving room to room while Ass Trash (this beloved Dell’s name) remains in the living room.

I got all my bills paid for the month. That always makes me feel relieved, even if being out in the dish made my nerves scream bloody murder.

Today I am avoiding people and the dish for as long as possible. I did four days in the dish this week. No more. I am screaming for mercy. The lithium aftermath isn’t motivating me to fight it, either.

On a final note…I don’t think I ever said thank you to all who left birthday wishes as well as wishing me luck for the dreaded court hearing (to be repeated on the 19th). Thank you, guys, it is appreciated.

Now I am gonna…Curse the makers of lithium for not being able to figure out these side effects in all these years. Nauseous as a default SUCKS.