Writer Down

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So you’re maybe wondering what “Writer Down” means. It was just the way I chose to announce my new state of mind. Cause I am down. Pretty down.

My daughter is depressed and is staying home this week from school (she is a teacher). Her depression is almost exactly like mine…the same drugs ease it and therapy helps. She is lucky to have good doctors and good parents. She was very down the other day and I asked her about the hospital. She said “no” because she felt safe enough with us at home. She was in the hospital once in college and that was a bad experience.

The thing I love about my daughter is that she understands chemical depression. She knows it is not her work or her friends or her lack of a boyfriend that is causing all of this. She knows it is a chemical thing. She also is brave enough to tell her boss at school that she is getting her meds worked out and needed time off. When I was her age, I hid my mental illness at all costs. I was terribly embarrassed and ashamed.

My husband just went over with her to see her psychologist. My daughter has great insurance and went on Abilify for $5 a month. Pretty good deal. So now her drugs are basically what I am taking.

I’m sure there are people out there who ask “did you really think you should have kids with your mental illness?” But it didn’t really happen that way. I had the kids BEFORE I knew what was wrong with me. I had never heard the term “bipolar” or “psychotic” then. But I can’t imagine a world without my kids. My daughter has my disease, although she is much more monitored and supported. My middle son has nothing, and my youngest just has anger problems, which I think is a form of depression.

Writing my book is driving me nuts. It’s about a woman with mental illness. (ha ha!). But she is different from me in that she leads a very full life and has a lot of success. I have Part I of the book finished, although I am not in love with the ending. Part II needs serious help. I am still writing on it almost every day, but it feels like a long series of scenes from a movie. I don’t know that it will flow very well.

Did I tell you all my goal on my book? I just want to write it, get it professionally edited, and self-publish it. I want to hold it in my hand and say “I wrote a book.” I want to buy a few for family and friends. IF I sell any, I’d like the profit to go to NAMI. But I don’t anticipate selling a lot of them. There are a million books out there with better stories and more fluid writers.

I’m sewing the final border on one quilt and have another I am sewing the blocks together on. Then they are off to Missouri for the big quilting machine. The second quilt I am going to use on the bottom of my bed as a decorative blanket. I am buying a new comforter and all to spruce up the room.

I am becoming more and more home bound. I just don’t want to drive or ride or go anywhere. Tomorrow I have a well check appointment at the doctor. I might actually try to drive that one. It’s in my comfort zone.

My middle son got a new job! He starts on Feb 16. He’s moving back home with a cat. I am thrilled he will be home but am ambivalent about the cat:) His work is 20 minutes from here and 90 minutes from his current locale. Plus, he would be driving into the sun both ways on the freeway. Ick.

We’re getting a storage shed put in next week. This should eliminate some stuff sitting around. My house is clean (we have a cleaning lady), but it gets cluttered. I can’t wait to see if the clutter goes down or if my husband just gets more stuff.

Church is going well. I have stopped crying during the service during the hymns. When I was a little girl, my grandmother used to sing hymns all day. When we sing those I get emotional. My grandmother was one person who loved me.

We also are meeting more people at church and greeting them by name. This is in part due to joining the missions committee. We’re going on a tour of the charities we will be helping next week.

OMG! My husband’s friend Paul is coming tomorrow from Minnesota. (No offense to you people there.) I cannot stand this guy. He can’t come to the house because he is allergic to the cat. Too bad. so sad! So my husband has to drive this guy all over the place. No wait…that’s not always true. My husband will loan Paul MY car so he can get around. This guy is a doctor and he is too tight to rent his own car.

Basically this means I am alone for Paul’s visit. I could hang with them but he is so annoying. He got divorced six years ago and all he can talk about is getting a girlfriend. You know there is something wrong with him. Shouldn’t a doctor be able to find a decent woman? Well, no. He insists that his future wife is into comics, Star Trek, movie making, and rocks. I am serious.

They and my youngest and another friend are going out of town to a rock show. I was going but decided to stay home with my daughter who is feeling sad. I know for me personally being alone while depressed is not good.

I’d like to give a shout-out to some people out there. You know who you are. Instead of running away from me when I am down you said “how can I help? I want to listen. You can count on me at anytime.” And you listened. And you cared and said “I love you.” That’s a true friend.

See you next week.

lily

 

 

 

 

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