Monthly Archives: February 2016

One Year

I first published to this blog, well actually it was a different website (wearewhatwepretendtobe.com, which is now defunct) on February 24th, 2015. Not even a week later I moved to my current home and I have posted almost 250 entries, not even including news updates or little tidbits here and there. I had purchased a […]

Overdoing It . . . Again!

Well it seems that I’m never going to finish cleaning out this fucking storage unit, but what I will do, over and over, is overdo it!  I had twelve boxes left in there and some other miscellaneous shit (isn’t there ALWAYS miscellaneous shit?) and I told myself that I would bring home four boxes over the next three days.  WELL I got there and I don’t know if it was the Adderall talking or the morning coffee, but this inner dumbshit got all gung-ho and said “I GOT this!” and I loaded up the car with TEN boxes.  It’s so fucking easy to load from the storage unit!  About five steps from the unit to the car, plop, on to the next.  And then I got home.  And I have to come in the front door, through the living room, family room, down the stairs to the basement, open a little trap door, climb up onto my desk, hoist the box in, crawl into the crawl space, pick up the box, and go stack it somewhere.  Which begs the question…what in the fuck is WRONG with me???  What made me think I could do this TEN TIMES in a day???  Yes I have a bad back and bad knees and a little thing called “Fibromyalgia” and I’m almost fifty years old…does the word “limits” mean anything to you?  No.  I guess not.  So I actually just got all the boxes downstairs, sitting on the floor, fucking up my Feng Shui, nothing has been moved to the crawl space yet, and I’m icing my back, writing this, and cursing myself.  I don’t know why I make such poor decisions.  You’d think I’d learn.  Does anyone else have the fantasy that they’re still in their twenties and can do all this shit lickety-split?  There must be a name for it.  Besides STOOPID.  Oh well.  My break is over.  Time to go move some boxes.  Hope you’re having a stellar Leap Day!  Peach out, homies!


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar and Overambitious, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Asshole Nation

YEP. I am gonna rant some more on how people suck because I have once again been slapped with evidence of it. Until flogged with goodness, I will continue to highlight the asshole factor because it sure as hell explains my attitude.

“The devil girls” came to play with my kid yesterday. They played outside, it was fine, but it was a really windy day and they wanted to come in…I said okay, as long as they stayed out of my way. (I was on basket #7 of folding laundry,ffs) Next I know their mom is at my door, telling them they have to come home because it’s too windy to play outside. Um…Then why did you let them play outside in the wind for ninety minutes only to come fetch them when they decided to come inside? But no, I don’t start shit, I try to make nice even while my kid is having her tearfest cos even at six she can see the idiocy of this woman’s argument.

It took me a half hour to get my kid to stop bawling and then I peeked outside…and I’ll be damned if those kids weren’t outside their own house, in the yard, in the wind, wearing tank top dresses, playing and screeching.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

If you are gonna be an asshole and somehow say your kids are too good to play with mine you could at least come up with a plausible LIE. Or hey, here’s a novelty- the truth! “We don’t want our kids around someone who smokes.” Fair enough. “We heard you’re a lesbian satanist who eats unicorn meat and we’re religious vegans…” Cool. But such blatant lying? COCKWEASEL ASSTRASH LYING MOTHERFUCKERS.

Cos ya know, I had to bust my butt to make sure my kid didn’t look out the window and see those kids playing and have to explain to her what can’t be explained. ASSHOLES. It’s one thing to piss me off, I spend 80 percent of my life pissed off, it’s my fucking baseline. But when you pull shit that hurts my kid’s feelings….I WANT YOU TO CHOKE ON BARBWIRE GRENADES FILLED WITH ACID.

I think it’s safe for any of you to assume, I am low on meds with no cash so my levels are all fucked up and oh, yay, I am also hormonal. Evidenced by the fact I came home from taking my kid to school, didn’t bother to get some tea, smoke a cigarette, or even take meds. I fell face down into the blankets and slept for four hours. So noot me and yet sooo me right before pms hits. That and folding ten baskets of laundry yesterday probably tapped me out.

Ya think I am joking? I wish. But I pushed myself. Now I only have three more to fold. Cos when I go depressive and get behind on stuff, I fuck it up good. To my credit, I carried through on my plan to make meatloaf and it rocked. My kid wouldn’t touch it, of course. These days I am so far under the surface it’s setting these little goals and following through that have me staying afloat. If I can just do this much…LIke Saturday, when I showered. Major fucking victory.

Yeah, yeah, I am too negative, I should inhale the rainbow fumes. The day I can do that I will never take another pill in my life. Because I know this is a confluence of my fucked up chemicals, running low on meds, being hormonal, being so stressed and anxious…I get it. Life isn’t *that* bad. It just feels like it right now. And yes, I know, as a decent human being, I should be walking on sunshine for my friends who are doing well with their bipolar and their lives are coming up roses…I should dance jigs and like an egyptian and I promise maybe I will do that if I can ever get my shit sorted out upstairs…

Until then…

People are assholes and I am the human equivalent of Grumpy Cat.

Row, row, row your boat gently off a cliff….


Kamp Kessa, Cedar Fire Ranch

I spent a weekend at Cedar Fire Ranch. It was pretty amazing. I went on one 4 hour long ride on Saturday, no idea at all what lay in store for me! It was on a very advanced trail (for me), very hilly, raviny, with creeks, and almost worst of all, trees with some branches extending into the trail (had an accident with a branch, had to get 20 stitches on my eyelid once when I was riding a horse…) I haven’t ridden a horse for about 20 years, so this was really a terrifying experience for me. But with each step, and each breath, and each branch waved away, I conquered my fear. I learned how to run uphill (on the horse) and cantor or jog and actually relaxed enough to enjoy it by the end of the second ride (2 hours) on Sunday. My handsome, lovely, chill mount was TLC, who I renamed Ice T because his amazing chill temperament. Dr. T (Thecla) whose ranch this is was amazing, when on the first ride, in the throes of fight or flight, I anxiously said “I want to get off, I don’t want to ride!” She said “No, that’s not happening.” Haha, yeah now it’s haha, then it was like wtf! But she took my horse’s lead and held it and we walked her first, me second, and the rest of the riders following, and the whole ride she held my horse’s lead, the lead was long enough so I could ride seemingly on my own. Once Dr. T. was on one side of a tree and TLC and I ended up on the other side of the tree, TLC realized that the lead was in her hand, and backed up (!!!!!) and went over to the other side, so the lead wasn’t stuck around the tree. He backed up, how in the world does a horse know he needs to do that, without any prompting? He and I became good friends, he was giving me head bumps with his big old head, and I was feeding with carrots and apples and treats. It was an amazing weekend, with amazing people. When I get a chance, I will go again.

Just one sad note, the barn cats, and one of the cats had decided to take residence in the main cabin, they didn’t like the cats and non one was really taking care of them Apparently the big dog, part German Shepherd, had eaten some of the cats. Well as much of a cat lover as I am, that was heartbreaking for me. Everyone loved horses, they loved the dogs, but they didn’t love the cats. Everyone creature big, every creature small, every being deserves love. I’m having trouble with that. I wish I could just get this little one who has moved into the cabin, but I have my Fluff, too old now, at 20.5 years  to deal with a young cat. I hope this little cat survives, she is adorable and sweet and so deserving of love and care and all good things. I’ve called no kill shelters, maybe I’ll go get her and take her to a shelter, but that will be traumatic for her too. I have to think about what to do, what’s best foe her.

Anyway, in general, the weekend was amazing, and I rode and jogged on the horse, like I’ve never done before. I will go again. And next time, I’ll bring the cat with me, and give her to someone who will love her :-)

ICED T

TLC, my beauty, and me, a special rider, hahaha. Forgot my sunglasses, these borrowed ones were huge and with the helmet, I certainly did look special! :)))

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With my new ride!

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My new love, TLC or as I called him Ice T, because he was SO chill!

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Beautiful skies!

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Another kind of Mustang!

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TLC, my horse!

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Dr. T, horsewoman extraordinaire and tough love expert!

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Snoop Lion Opens Up About His Pimp Past | Rolling Stone

Yesterday I lolled about the lobby of a local medical marijuana dispensary for four or five hours, waiting my turn to see the Marijuana Doctors so I could apply for my card.

There was plenty of time to browse the paraphernalia in the glass cases all around.  I closely inspected everything, since there was nothing else to do.

I couldn’t help but notice the “Snoop Dogg” brand bongs and papers and stuff that I had no idea what it is because I’m, you know, old, and I come from a whole different pot culture.

So I got this really bad feeling when I saw all this S.D. branded stuff, because several years ago, when I was writing under a pseudonym about my years as a street kid, it came to my attention that there was this rapper, famous and rich, who was very out front about his background with the Crips (very violent bad street gang), and fulfilling his life’s dream to be a pimp.

Even if I hadn’t been obliged to use my body as currency for the purpose of having food and shelter, I would still find it nauseating that this “nigga,” as he calls himself, who has made himself a role model for young people of every race and background, actually went and built his little dream fantasy, which you can read all about in the Rolling Stone article in the link.

Have your barf bag ready.

This dude is SUCH BAD NEWS.  In so many ways.  What’s his appeal?  That he shoves everything that’s morally horrible in our faces like bags of shit?

He ought to know a bag of shit when he sees one….every time he looks in the mirror.

http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/snoop-lion-opens-up-about-his-pimp-past-20130508


Out of the Starting Gate Redux

Stupid Idea I remember about a decade ago when I knew very little about blogs. Out of ignorance I thought they were about the dumbest things I could imagine. Weren’t they just diaries? Who in the world wants to read other people’s diaries? Most of us have rather mundane lives – wake up, go to […]

The post Out of the Starting Gate Redux appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.

A Good Weekend

Had a very good weekend.  DId the dance competition and noticed for the first time that the other mothers didn’t’ have it all together either with the dance hair or makeup.  WE’re all just doing the best we can.  But with Xanax we made it through.

Yesterday we had the birthday party we had to postpone. So that was good. My youngest got lots of neat presents including lots of new earrings to try out. So she was happy  Everything went well and she felt loved.

It is so amazing the difference the Abilify is making.   I slept a little bit in this morning, did laundry, went to the grocery store, and will start my reading for the week for my class after I finish this. I go see my therapist this afternoon to talk about my hospitalization and what all we need to start doing in therapy.  SO it’s a bit of a busy day but in a good way and I feel good about my ability to handle it.

Hope everyone had a good start to their week.  Happy Leap Year Day!

 


Be your true self

So often with bipolar, we may find ourselves forced to hide our authentic selves away. Driven by guilt, shame, stigma. Symptoms are masked and side effects of medication suppressed with […]

Poem: Lemons 2 Limoncello

Nearly 3 years ago I had someone who was a friend and then suddenly she wasn’t.  I ran into that person today after not seeing her for all this time, and we said hello as we passed but otherwise ignored each other.  I’m not pleased to have seen her – that event was out of […]

Houston, We Have A Problem

I don’t know why I gave this post that title. I really don’t have a problem. It just sounded good. Haha!

WARNING: Political rant ahead. Read at your own risk.

Actually, I’m a wee bit hypomanic. It’s been coming on for a couple of weeks and I have enough insight to know the signs. I’ve been arguing politics on Facebook, although I haven’t really antagonized anybody (yet) and am doing my best not to piss the;m off. It’s just that I can’t find any redeeming social qualities in the frontrunners and I may have to sit out the vote this year, which distresses me to no end because I take pride in my voting record over the past 39 years. It’s my little way of protesting the utter lack of good candidates…I mean, who knew that this is the best we can do out of a country of 300+ million citizens? It boggles the mind.

For the record, I’m a registered Republican who votes for the person, not the party, although I stick mainly to politicians who have the same values as I and most Democrats don’t. But I wouldn’t vote for Donald Trump if my life depended on it. He is a gold-plated douchebag who plays to the lowest common denominator and I despise him. He is a narcissist of the worst order, a profiteer, and a bully to boot. In fact, I can’t think of a word that best describes the son-of-a-bitch, so those will have to do. I can’t believe the voters would actually fall for him with his misogynistic and xenophobic attitudes (yeah, I know some big words)…why, he would set women and foreigners back fifty years if he were to be elected.

Of course, the media aren’t helping much. Trump only seems invincible because the media make him out to be. They have been worshipping at his feet all along because he is so outrageous. Shame on them.

(time out—I’ve got four puppies playing within six feet of me. Too cute!)

OK, so on the Dems’ side there’s Bernie Sanders, who I don’t think even belongs on the ballot. He’s a socialist (‘scuse me, a democratic socialist) and if he were to win he’d raise taxes when he runs out of other peoples’ money. No way, nohow.

Then we have Hillary Clinton, who in my opinion has the ethics of an alley cat. Some say she gets disrepscted because she’s a woman. I say she gets disrespected because she’s callous about Benghazi and appears cold-hearted. to say nothing of shady regarding her questionable financial dealings. She’s also pro-abortion and pro-gun control, which damn her forever in my eyes.

So how the [email protected]@k am I supposed to vote for any of these people? The Republicans have nothing to offer but Trump and a weak and desperate group of also-rans who will be out of the race long before my state ever holds its primary (I think it’s in May). I’ve seen some pretty bad races in my life, but this is by far the worst.

Anyway, this post wasn’t really supposed to be about politics, but since I’ve written so much already I’ll just leav e it as it is. I went back and posted a warning notice after I re-read it so if you’ve made it this far, it’s on you if you don’t like it. While I hope I haven’t offended anyone, these ARE my honest opinions and this IS my blog, so I’m throwing it out there for discussion and analysis. And it’s OK if you disagree with me, just don’t tell me I’m a stupid/ill-informed/prejudced/right-wing nut job/knuckle-dragging trogolodyte. Them’s fightin’ words! Unfortuantely, they are often aimed at conservatives like me…but I suppose liberals catch crap too. And unlike a certain candidate, I refuse to engage in name-calling.

Peace out…