Daily Archives: January 15, 2016

Blog Party…who are YOU?

balloons

I realized I have not been reading other blogs like I should. I am ready. What better place to start than with my own readers?

Share your blog in a comment below. If you look around and read someone else’s blog, come back and give them a comment and tell us why we should go visit. If you like what you read, give them a follow or a comment over at their place.

Feel free to re-post this. Let’s get some new people in here. (Old people welcome too!)

Boohoo

Wow! December and January, both on the 7th have been bad luck for me. In December, I fell and sustained a concussion. In January, I was hit while driving and just today found out that my car has been totaled 😥

Really upset. Really, really loved my car. It was a Honda Accord V 6 200 horse power. Beautiful car, drove beautifully. Damn, I’m going to miss my car.  

  


HOPE FOR ALS TREATMENT AFTER GROUNDBREAKING STUDY RESULTS REVEALED

Stem cells! This is truly amazing! Injection of stem cells from the person’s own bone marrow along with a cocktail of growth factors helps treat symptoms of ALS! The potential for this is endless! Could mental illnesses be treated this way too? Stem cells from our own bone marrow, injecting into our own CNS, and could symptoms of bipolar d/o get better or disappear? Who knows! But I certainly hope someone looks into it.

 

http://abc7chicago.com/1156176/

Hope for ALS treatment after groundbreaking study results revealed
Doctors treat an ALS patient during a breakthrough study that could help some patients regain movement and function.

My mother’s family’s home in India

This is my mother’s family’s mansion, crumbling as it is in parts. It’s in Sheikhupur, India, a town that belonged to my mother’s family. My mother’s cousins, elderly, unmarried females, live there even now. They are protected by Samoyed dogs! I just found all this out when I was in Pakistan a couple of weeks ago. I wonder if the love of Samoyeds is inherited!

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The two ladies are my mother’s cousins and live in this crumbling mansion, protected by Samoyeds!

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6 Hospitalized, One of Them Brain-Dead, After Drug Trial in France

Hmmm six hospitalized, one of them brain dead, in a phase one trial, this is just a test of the drug’s safety, not efficacy, and comes after drug testing in animals has proven it to be safe and effective. So how did this drug, which is so far unnamed, get through?

http://www.nytimes.com/2016/01/16/world/europe/french-drug-trial-hospitalization.html?smid=fb-nytimes&smtyp=cur&_r=0

LONDON — Six patients were hospitalized — one of them brain-dead — after a drug trial in northwestern France, the country’s health minister said on Friday.

Marisol Touraine, the minister for social affairs, health and women’s rights, said in a statement that her office was informed on Thursday evening about a “serious accident” that resulted in the hospitalization of six patients at the Centre Hospitalier Universitaire de Rennes, in eastern Brittany.

The drug was being tested on healthy volunteers in a licensed private institution specializing in clinical trials, Ms. Touraine said in the statement. It had been administered orally as part of a Phase 1 clinical trial, according to the statement, which did not provide any further details about the drug or its manufacturer.

Biotrial, a drug-evaluation company based in Rennes, said in a statementthat the “serious adverse effects” had occurred during one of its trials, but it did not identify the maker of the pharmaceutical.

“The trial has been conducted in full compliance with the international regulations, and Biotrial’s procedures were followed at every stage throughout the trial, in particular the emergency procedures for the transfer of subjects to the hospital,” the company said in a statement. “We are in close and regular contact with the health authorities and ministry in France. The priority at Biotrial remains the safety of our subjects.”

The company informed the French Agency for the Safety of Health Products, the country’s drug regulator, that the trial was halted, according to the Health Ministry. The agency will inspect the drug-testing site, and Ms. Touraine also directed the General Inspectorate of Social Affairs to conduct an inquiry. The health branch of the Paris prosecutor’s office has opened an investigation as well.

“Marisol Touraine wishes to share with the families of the patients her solidarity and her deep determination to shed light on this tragic accident and establish who was responsible,” the statement said.

Ms. Touraine was traveling to Rennes and planned to speak at a news conference in the afternoon.

Deaths or serious adverse reactions during Phase 1 clinical trials — which focus primarily on a drug’s safety and side effects, rather than on its effectiveness — are rare.

In March 2006, six previously healthy young men fell ill and spent weeks in intensive care, with severe damage to their immune systems, at Northwick Park Hospital in London after being injected with an immune-system stimulant, known as TGN1412, during a Phase 1 trial.

Despite its potency, the drug, which was held up as a potential treatment for multiple sclerosis, leukemia and rheumatoid arthritis, was tested under much the same standards as those governing ordinary pharmaceuticals. British regulators approved the trial in just 17 days, and the testing company, based in Massachusetts, did not have an adequate response plan in the event of a disastrous adverse reaction, British investigators concluded.


Gloom glasses

So we have sunglasses to protect our eyes/vision from excessive sunlight and its glare. I propose…gloom glasses. To alter perception of the cold wet gray days that impact one’s mood. Seriously, the midwest has been gray gloom central all winter, it’s like waking up in Seattle, minus the awesome culture. Icky.

Okay, so I’ve been dying to use this one as it’s funny as hell to me and I did fix it last night for supper so…

hamb helper(Thanks, Diane, your wicked sense of humor earns ten sporks up!)

I guess I am feeling more solid today compared to yesterday’s meltdown. Which, by the way, I do NOT blame on the bipolar. It’s a shitty personal circumstance made shittier by the sheer panic and terror of not being able to regulate my emotions toward the donor and his chronic deadbeat-ism. The man can push my buttons, but I don’t think that’s exclusive to him. My buttons detonate when anyone lies right to my face and tries to play it all off as me being “mental”. Not to mention how good an actor he is, he mimics emotion like a Thespian even if he can’t actually feel them. I can easily see him manipulating the judge and this all coming back on me for not going after support sooner. Throw in my general anxiety and panic of entering unfamiliar, and especially “proper” places…

No, it’s not the bipolar. It’s a combo of panic and emotion. And the thing that baffles me is I truly have zero emotion left for the man so why does it bother me so much? This is a simple matter. He brings in his financials, the judge sets support, bing, bang, bob’s your uncle.And if it’d been a year he got behind, I might let it go. But seriously, four years and five months of not contributing or even asking to see her?

My outrage is justified.

Plus, I do have the ace up the sleeve as I will be walking in with Mrs R- wife of my ex boyfriend, who adores me, and she’s a professor at a university who can attest to how Spook and I have struggled. Let the donor try to impugn her as being uneducated or crazy. Besides…it can only look good on court records that I am close friends and supported by an ex as well as his wife. Doesn’t really play well to the donor’s cries about what a she devil I am if I can get along with my ex, and charm his wife into liking me.

I guess it will be a memorable birthday for me either way. I will either feel victorious or I will feel kicked and defeated. My birthdays are never a big deal, anyway. One year, my mom gave me twenty bucks and I was able to go buy a new Logitech keyboard as my old one was dying…and I was as happy as if I’d been handed a new car. This year I got the boots I so desperately wanted but could never work into my budget. My sis will probably bake me some cupcakes and my kid will eat them all. Maybe she can bake a couple with some pot in them just in case I walk out of court feeling sporkicidal. Then again, the few times I dabbled with weed, it just make me stupid and sleepy.

Don’t quite grasp the appeal of that kind of high.

I am taking R hamburger helper for lunch, he wants me to reset the router at the shop, see if that makes the wifi less wonky. Ya know what I feel like doing? Nothing. My kid is sleeping over at grandma’s tonight and when I had that stable spurt a few days ago I went through allll the stuff I could get done without her underfoot…Now I…Meh. The gloom and med change has me feeling pretty low.

And I am scared of this doubling of Lithium, I told him every single time I’ve gone up to 12o0 I’ve gone toxic. But he won’t listen. He did the same to my brother with the Trileptal and he ended up in the ER because the doubling of dose made him toxic. Sometimes, I wonder about this shrink.

Not to mention coming down on Cymbalta from 120 to 60 after only a week’s tapering…I suppose wonky is to be expected.

On a final note or two…I know I have mentioned our kitten Chaos many times but I don’t think I ever posted a pic. This is Miss Chaos.

Digital Camera

Ha ha, I should cut out that Mangorita. But the black satin sheet looks perty.

And because Diane sends me the best stuff, and I was, at age six, told I would one day be the crazy cat lady…And at 43ish still hoard cats and love them more than people…I will happily OWN this one.

starter kitI can has kitteh?


Whine with no cheese but lots of righteous indignation

So today has been…an epic fail of disappointment, soul crushing reality due to misinformation, as well as feeling dejected and beaten to the nth degree.

I got it in my head to call the state’s attorney office, desperately hoping, praying, using voodoo, that I would not be required to appear at the child support hearing next week. There was ONE moment where the state’s attorney told me I didn’t have to appear and I breathed a sigh of relief…I’d been lead to believe (by moronic family members and friends and public aid) that the donor would be held accountable for supporting Spook since the day he left four point five years ago.

Ms. State’s Attn informed me, however, that she, as an agent of the state, can only request the donor be held responsible for support for Spook from the time the papers were mailed, December 11, 2015. That’s ONE month, even though he walked out four years and five months ago, not offering so  much as a pack of diapers or birthday card for his child. The state’s attny lady was nice, don’t get me wrong, this is just apparently how the state system works now (which is vastly different from how it worked ten years ago when all my know it all advisers were spewing otherwise into my ear, thank you dad and stemonster)

State’s attorney said even if the donor shows up with all his financial docs, there’s a good chance support will be based on minimum wage, never mind he has a  managerial position at a home improvement store thus is making well over  minimum wage. Livid doesn’t begin to describe how I felt learning this. I was always lead to believe it was based on current monthly income…Apparently, it is more important to the court system that the chronic abandoner of children be able to keep his excess income so he has money to support his gf and her kid, and allow them to buy smokes, pop, and go out to dinner twce a week as well as buy new electronics with every tax return…

I swear for a moment, I thought I was gonna vomit involuntarily.

I mean, do the parental units, society at large, as well as the courts PREACH that if you had a child, you are responsible to help care for them?

So WHY, after this douchebag Canadian present only on a residency card, get to walk out and not support his son in Kansas for seven years, then go on to not support Spook for four and a half years all the while claiming to be this upstanding above reproach citizen? I mean, I’m only including his failure to support his two remaining  MINOR children. He has a daughter in Canada he pretty much quit paying support on once he came to the states, so there’s another six or so years he paid nothing and contributed nothing to her life, either. (He claims he’s emailed her but “she won’t answer because her mother turned her against me.?)

Fairly sure no custodial parentage “turning” is needed once a child finds out you abandoned them, it speaks for itself, even to small kids.

I have been in perpetual freak out all day since the state’s attny informed me she could only seek a month’s support. The paperwork I filled out had a box for “seeking retroactive support” which I did check…Now she tells me that back support is at the judge’s discretion and I can ask for more, IF I have  a good reason and proper legal documentation (as in, done by a lawyer) explaining why I feel entitled to back support for the last four point five years. Livid doesn’t begin to describe how I feel, after four years of being fed misinformation by “well meaning” people.

Boiling it down…it’s MY fault. I never should have trusted the word of my idget family por their “expert friends familiar with the system”. I wanna scream I AM SO SCREWED.

But frankly, much as we need extra money…It’s NOT about me or the donor. He helped create her, he should be held accountable. I wouldn’t even protest to every cent going into a college fund accessible only by her on her 18th birthday.

It’s never been about money for me. I am used to doing without, to making do with what I have. It’s not optimal and of course I feel lousy when I have to explain I can’t take her to the school’s monthly skate night because it costs money I don’t have. BUT this is not some “omg, he dumped me, I am so bitter I am gonna make his life living hell!”

Think the one thing he’s never grasped with all three of his kids, cos he has such issues with women…Yeah, the money for support may come to the mother, but this has ZERO to do with me or him. It’s about the child we made together, by choice. Why should I be held completely and solely accountable while he skates free? I am sorry if that seems bitter or petty…I just remember so vividly when I was pregnant and couldn’t be medicated so I was ten kinds of wonky…And he had the audacity to say, “This is YOUR pregnancy, but WE are having a child.”

Which only applied til two months after she turned two at which point he couldn’t “do this anymore:” and ended our marriage via sixty second phone call. Then smashed the phone to bits so I wouldn’t be able to contact him unless I called his job, which could be held against me for being a “stalker” and endangering his employee status. (Yeah, I’d say it’s part of my persecution complex, except I was witness to him smashing his phone from his last ex, as well as having an ex hauled off by the cops for simply bringing his Ulcer meds to his workplace…Man is sorta…evil.)

I spent most of the day freaking out. Stewing with fury, and even calling stepmonster to let loose on her and dad for they spearheaded the campaign that as long as I received food stamps and medicaid for Spook, the donor would have to repay it all. See? I didn’t even much mind the motion of whatever back support he paid going back to the state while we received nothing. But apparently, the new laws state he is only held responsible if we received TANF (cash benefits) and even with my partial disability income we never qualified. So….

Because I can’t get a lawyer, or even legal aid advice (“don’t handle support cases”), to draw up the appropriate paper requesting back support…My kid is getting screwed over.

I don’t give a flying leaping pegacorn if every bit of back support were put into a college fund for her, untouchable by anyone but Spook til she’s of age.

Hell, yeah, I need money. I need a damn car that runs right and isn’t in my mom’s name.

BUT the donor always maintained child support was paid to the women so they could spend “his” money on frivolity rather than the child. I’m of the mind that since we don’t live far enough away from school for her to qualify for the bus, I SHOULD be entitled to at least enough back support to get a decent reliable car for her transportation to school and doc appointments and such.

BUT IT IS ALL AT THE DISCRETION OF THE JUDGE AND WITHOUT PROPER PAPERWORK, I AM UNLIKELY TO PERSUADE HIM TO ISSUE BACK SUPPORT.

tHAT WOULD have been super duper to know months ago. I mean, I checked the box for wanting retroactive support so if extra paperwork is required…WHY was I not informed of this sooner and given instructions on how to obtain required documentation?

Am I wrong to want retroactive support for my child? He left us four plus years ago, promised to pay the power bill, yet I had to grovel with an uncle who doesn’t even like me to “loan” me money to keep the power turned on. He ABANDONED US BOTH. While I may have too much stubborn pride to hold him responsible for anything as far as I am concerned…This is his third kid he’s failed to support and justifies it by saying he doesn’t have enough money or the mother is able to support the child and the kid wants for nothing…

He;s Canadian, he came to this country, is taking jobs from Americans, but can’t even once in almost five years mail his kid a birthday card or Christmas gift. Am I not entitled to my outrage????

Maybe the only saving grace in it all was I told R about and tonight, his wife called me and said she has next Friday off, would I like her to drive me there and stand beside me in court.

HELL TO THE FUCKING YES.

She (she;s on Cymbalta herself) understands my freakish anxiety attacks yet remains supportive and non judgmental. If she is willing to drive me, come in with me, and give me support…

Much as independent Morgue wants to berate herself for being so weak…

The Ovarian oompa loompas have arrived, the shrink doubled my Lithium, yet my Cymbalta has been lowered so much my knee pain is acting up again…

Someone objective present, and able to testify to how Spook and I have struggled financially and how her and R have helped…I’m thinking it’s  a good thing.

But what do I know, by tomorrow…I may be ready to impale my own head on a pike just to avoid all the panic this court thing is causing. I AM TERRIFIED.  oF THE donor and his smirking arrogance, of what he might say to impugn me, of just how seeing him and knowing how he’s failed Spook might deduce me to tears…

One last time…No matter the impression my rantings may have given anyone….

I swear on the sacred pegacorn this child support thing is about Spook and someone making her father do right by her.

I’ve come to terms with being less than zero and deserving fuck all for my mistake laden past. There’s no self pity, only me admitting how much I have learned about myself over the years.

Spook is ALL that matters.

Anyone, donor or not, tries to make it otherwise…is an idget and in the wrong.

 

Now…I am gonna go to sleep and guilt trip myself until it feels like my brain’s been pummeled by fists. All I ever wanted was to do right by my child and yet I am forced time and again to see her donor, who considers himself s much better than the rest of us, get off consequence free.

I chose him as my baby’s daddy because I bought all his lies.

It’s ultimately my fault and I should feel guilty.

Though to be honest…I’ve been here for her every day since she was born no matter what my problems are…

He hasn’t even tried, so where does he get off feeling so superior?

Maybe the Behavioral Analysis Unit of the FBI has a point….sociopaths and psychopaths have no conscience,.

It’s an explanation but not an absolution.

Every time Spook asks why her friends have a dad and she doesn’t…I just wanna get out the shovel and start skull bashing.

I won’t, as I am have not yet gone nuts.

But the desire….is soooooo there.

If anyone has any insights on this subject…whether you wanna say I am nuts or being unfair or whatever…Please do comment. All input is appreciated.

Even if you think you don’t have anything to say…Sometimes the statements that make the biggest impact are a few words tossed out.

 

 

 


(Escalation) — Trigger Warning

TRIGGER WARNING — mentioning of self-harm behaviors

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My anxiety level has been through the roof the last two days.  Yesterday, I went to a basketball game with my dad and LarBear, and totally lost my shit in front of an arena full of people.  I tried to calm down for awhile, sitting outside smoking a cigarette, and then sitting in a folding chair in the hallway.  I couldn’t calm down enough, with a combination of Klonopin PRN and talking to my mom and breathing exercises, and gave up and left the game mid-way through the second game.

I felt like a failure for not being able to go back into the game, but all I could say was, “I’m losing my shit” over and over.  I was shaking, my chest hurt, my mind raced ten times more than normal.  I was having a panic attack and nothing I did could make it subside.  Sometimes the only safe place is home.

And sometimes, home isn’t safe.  It’s been another day of high anxieties.  I noticed today that I have been using my gum floss pick to destroy my mouth.  And then sitting it down for five minutes, but having itchy fingers and picking it up over and over.  As I sat with anxiety higher than I could stand, I noticed my mouth was full of blood.

And so I picked away some more, because, DAMMIT, it felt good.  And bad.  And like SOMETHING, all at one time.

I did eventually point this out to LarBear, and he took them away, but my little secret is that I know where he hid them.  I’m not even thinking totally logically, because while I know its a bad idea, there is such a sense of relief.

I haven’t self-harmed in years, before this all started up again.  Its funny (oh except not-so-funny) how easy it is to fall back into old patterns.  Just the other day, I took all the skin off the pads of my fingers, just like I used to do in high school, because it was soothing.

That’s sick, people.  Removing skin from your body should not be soothing.  But it is.  Jabbing a sharp object into bleeding gums over and over should not be soothing, but it is.  I don’t want to devolve into some other self-harming behavior, namely bulimia, but I suppose anything is possible.

Life is so different than it used to be.  My support system is different, my day-to-day life is different, winter is different.  I have to adjust, I have to adapt.  I am having a hard time doing so.

I didn’t want to put this out there, this bit about self-harm, but I think if I am going to be truly honest (and I want to be), then I have to.

It’s something I’m going to bring up in my next therapy session and its something I will have to explain more to the LarBear.  Just because its happening doesn’t mean I need to go to the hospital.  I’m not at that level yet, and hopefully won’t get there.

Changes, changes, changes.  All things must change, and this is another one of those things that’s gotta go.  I am giving myself an atta girl for recognizing the problem, and now just need to focus on ways to avoid these problem behaviors.

 

max-depree-quote-stress-relief


Filed under: Neuroticism Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, change, depression, emotions, mania, mixed episode, pain, panic, self harm, stress

(Escalation) — Trigger Warning

TRIGGER WARNING — mentioning of self-harm behaviors

tumblr_static_tumblr_lntq558sn41qjbquzo1_500

My anxiety level has been through the roof the last two days.  Yesterday, I went to a basketball game with my dad and LarBear, and totally lost my shit in front of an arena full of people.  I tried to calm down for awhile, sitting outside smoking a cigarette, and then sitting in a folding chair in the hallway.  I couldn’t calm down enough, with a combination of Klonopin PRN and talking to my mom and breathing exercises, and gave up and left the game mid-way through the second game.

I felt like a failure for not being able to go back into the game, but all I could say was, “I’m losing my shit” over and over.  I was shaking, my chest hurt, my mind raced ten times more than normal.  I was having a panic attack and nothing I did could make it subside.  Sometimes the only safe place is home.

And sometimes, home isn’t safe.  It’s been another day of high anxieties.  I noticed today that I have been using my gum floss pick to destroy my mouth.  And then sitting it down for five minutes, but having itchy fingers and picking it up over and over.  As I sat with anxiety higher than I could stand, I noticed my mouth was full of blood.

And so I picked away some more, because, DAMMIT, it felt good.  And bad.  And like SOMETHING, all at one time.

I did eventually point this out to LarBear, and he took them away, but my little secret is that I know where he hid them.  I’m not even thinking totally logically, because while I know its a bad idea, there is such a sense of relief.

I haven’t self-harmed in years, before this all started up again.  Its funny (oh except not-so-funny) how easy it is to fall back into old patterns.  Just the other day, I took all the skin off the pads of my fingers, just like I used to do in high school, because it was soothing.

That’s sick, people.  Removing skin from your body should not be soothing.  But it is.  Jabbing a sharp object into bleeding gums over and over should not be soothing, but it is.  I don’t want to devolve into some other self-harming behavior, namely bulimia, but I suppose anything is possible.

Life is so different than it used to be.  My support system is different, my day-to-day life is different, winter is different.  I have to adjust, I have to adapt.  I am having a hard time doing so.

I didn’t want to put this out there, this bit about self-harm, but I think if I am going to be truly honest (and I want to be), then I have to.

It’s something I’m going to bring up in my next therapy session and its something I will have to explain more to the LarBear.  Just because its happening doesn’t mean I need to go to the hospital.  I’m not at that level yet, and hopefully won’t get there.

Changes, changes, changes.  All things must change, and this is another one of those things that’s gotta go.  I am giving myself an atta girl for recognizing the problem, and now just need to focus on ways to avoid these problem behaviors.

 

max-depree-quote-stress-relief


Filed under: Neuroticism Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, change, depression, emotions, mania, mixed episode, pain, panic, self harm, stress

Types of Bipolar Disorder Infographic

Types of Bipolar Disorder