So I didn’t actually get run over by anything but it sure as hell feels like it. In spite of zero real family drama last night, all the bright light and noise and people just really took a bite out of me. I’m gonna need a week to recover, all the stimuli was just…too much. Throw in the cramps from hell and even though I explained to everyone I didn’t feel well…They all still took it as me being unfriendly or pouting. WTF, was I supposed to limbo in joy?
My not-out-of-correspondence-high-school-yet, no job 17 year old nephew proposed to his girlfriend last night. Apparently my sister bought the ring and I gotta say…Twice married to grown men with jobs and I didn’t get anything close to that pretty. It was very difficult to smile and congratulate when every fiber of my being wanted to yell at M “RUN FROM THIS FAMILY AS FAST AS YOU CAN FOR HE WILL NEVER HOLD A JOB OR HELP OUT IN ANY WAY JUST LIKE HIS FATHER’S DONE FOR 18 YEARS!”
If I sound jaded and negative it’s because I am. Hopefully they have a very long engagement. I just think 17 is too young to be making such a life altering decision, especially considering they’ve been together a year and broken up about fifteen times. But then I heard that he got down on one knee, read her a poem, and told her she was his princess…And it’s like, wow,I shoulda married a teenager I guess cos they still have romance left in them. I do wish them the best of luck.
And yeah, I get my own hypocrisy on the not working thing. I did try for many years to work, which was what earned me the credits for disability. Whereas brother in law has worked six months over 18 years and been fired both times. He won’t mow a lawn, do any house work, just sleeps all day, plays video games all night, and smokes weed. M is a sweet girl, I’d hate to see her end up with a lump like that. Hell, brother in law was diagnosed as anti social disorder (in spite of having more bum gamer friends than I have Halloween decorations) and he was too fucking lazy to even fill out the paperwork for SSI. Useless is an understatement. At least I make an honest effort.
None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be, so whatever.
I just know sitting there surrounded by family (and their not related to us friends) that I felt very, very alone and like an outcast even though everyone was on their best behavior. I just don’t fit with either maternal or paternal faction. In fact, I feel so disconnected from them all I realized I could move a zillion miles away and likely not even think about them. I’m not of the herd and never have been thus blood or not…I am more connected to my wordpress tribe. I guess it’s a sad statement about how damaged I am and yet…there it is.
My kid made out like a friggin’ bandit last night and again this morning. I bet my mom and sister easily spent six hundred dollars on her stuff. I got sixty bucks, a new blankie, and some perfume. Dad gave me sixty five dollars and my brother…bought me a bag of cat litter. It’s needed and appreciated but wow…If they think I am that hard to buy for, I really am disconnected from them. (And maybe I wouldn’t be if any of them had an empathetic bone in their bodies and showed support for my mental struggles instead of disdain and judgment.)
To my credit, my chicken and noodles were devoured and many had seconds and thirds thus ensuring they were basically gone before the end of the end of the night. Considering that my sister is the “good cook” in the family and I am the “microwave queen” joke…Kinda flattering. (My sister is such a clean freak domestic, she got a new vacuum and rug shampooer as gifts and was positively giddy.)
I did make note, and ONLY because they’re the faction that thinks the more you spend, the more you prove you love someone…My sister’s friends and their kids got an ass ton of presents, and not Dollar Tree stuff, either. So I guess I’m not much loved (whatever) yet my kid and the bum friends are adored. Though it kind of explains why I always feel so disconnected and left out. To my sister’s credit, she did get me specially made ink pens that have ceramic toppers of dragons wrapping around them. I do love my dragons. I’m scared to use them, my clumsy ass could break a steel pipe.
So today has been spent opening a multitude of Frozen merchandise, six of which sing “Let It Go” and all the other kid oriented flotsam. Cramps are still killing me which makes me a bummer for Spook but…It is what it is. She has another week off school so I can make it up to her when I’m not wishing for a sabertooth moose to rip my reproductive organs out. I did sing Frozen karaoke with her first thing this morning.What scares me is I know all the words. I blame Pellek from youtube, his version kicks ass. The original just sucks ass.
The other day cleaning at Mrs R’s wasn’t so bad. Aside from some Swiffer dusting and vacuuming, I didn’t do much, she did the rest. (I can only assume because when I do it, it’s not to her standards but that could be the Cymbalta induced panxiety talking.) Spook behaved well. And instead of a bottle of wine, Mrs. R surprised me by giving me cash for both cleaning, Christmas, and “putting up with my asshole husband.” Spook got an adorable outfit from them. Mrs R offered to take us out for lunch, too, but by then I was drenched in sweat (she has this three thousand dollar vacuum that looks like R2-D2 and has to be filled with water and dragged around and it is hard on the back) and politely declined. So what I thought would be awful really wasn’t. (And in an act of not sucking that stunned me last night..I came home to find two Mangoritas sitting on my step, courtesy of R.)
I am not gonna say it was a bad Christmas cos it wasn’t. We do it for the kids, basically, otherwise I doubt any of us would give a damn. She’s the only reason I even bothered with a half assed tree.
The Cymblotto has my mind racing and I realize all the things that need done, that i could be doing…My brain isn’t ordered enough to do any of it, never mind the crampage. That’s the part that sucks the most, having a head full of ideas and yet it doesn’t translate into action, just more inertia cos I can’t hold a ping pong ball thought for more than ten seconds. Fuck you, Focalin.
It’s definitely Lithium time. In six months of it, I’ll be screeching about my dead affect and how I can’t even feel love for my cats or kid. Such is the cycle but since I went off it…I’ve barely written cos my mind is too noisy. I think I need the calming effect more than I need to impress others with a bouncy exterior.
Back to watching Scrubs. I keep hoping comedy will lift my mood but meh…I’m always low on Christmas day simply because the chaos of Christmas Eve wipes me out. I am gonna vegetate today and maybe this weekend I will accomplish something. Like a shower. I had one last on um…Tuesday? Yeah, it’s that bad. I feel ashamed and lazy but if those things fixed depression none of us would need pills.
Scary Cryptmas to all…and to all… a good fright.