Daily Archives: December 11, 2015

spiritualized: medication

Final Day for Class

So today is the final day to turn projects in for class. Glad I got it all done early so I could relax this week instead of stressing.  We’ll see how next semester goes.  I bought one textbook while out shopping the other day and may get a head start on it soon.  I’m not sure yet.

Hanging out with my oldest.  She woke me up by announcing she had the tree up this morning.  BUt wanted to wait on the youngest to come home this afternoon to decorate. So that’s what we decided.  I went and finished the last of the shopping and picked up the grandparents’ pictures this afternoon.  SO I have accomplished a little bit today.  I need to start wrapping soon.  We will see about that next week, I think. Once we get the ornaments on the tree this weekend.

I’m to where I go to the drug store at least once a week every week for everything I take.   I wish I could pick it all up at one time but my prescriptions are all out of sync.  And I forgot to order my oldest her contacts when I went to Wal-Mart this morning. I’ll try again next week.

Someday I will get it all right. Someday I’ll remember everything perfectly and won’t get so confused.  I don’t know when that day will be, but I look forward to it every day.

 


I Finished A Book

I finished a book. That makes two in one month! If that doesn’t seem very impressive to you, bear in mind that I’m still kind of in the process of relearning how to read, so I’m pretty stoked on this.

I read Maggie Nelson’s Bluets which is lovely and philosophical and lyrical and just really cool. Highly recommend, especially if you’re into poetry, philosophy, or both. Even if the book did shit on the color yellow just a little bit, which bugged me ’cause yellow is my favorite color and has always been my favorite color, but I’m willing to forgive here, ’cause Bluets stretched my brain into all sorts of fun shapes and that’s something I both want and need with regularity.

I have another book lined up: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s short story collection The Thing Around Your Neck. I figured shorter books and short stories are probably a good way to ease myself back into being fully literate again and so far, so good. This whole thing is really important to me ’cause I frequently bemoan the stagnation I feel in my life, and continuous reading  keeps my brain from getting sludgy and helps me write better. And write more.

So this is basically me giving myself a cookie for having read a whole book, but I can’t overstate the significance of this for me. Before my dad died, before my bipolar diagnosis, and way before meds, I was always, always reading. There’s a period of my life during the first few years a college when I felt like I was advancing on a very satisfying track at a very thrilling pace. I don’t expect ever to get all of that back in the same form or pick up where I left off, but I’m hoping for a little redirection from the nowhere upon nowhere I’ve been passing through for the last several years.

Also, if I write it down and if I promise you guys I’m gonna finish another book, I’m a lot more likely to do it, so, you guys, I’m gonna finish another book. Let’cha know how it went!

-LB

Tagged: bipolar disorder, books, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, creativity, literacy, lithium, Maggie Nelson, meds, philosophy, poetry, quality of life, reading, writing

I Finished A Book

I finished a book. That makes two in one month! If that doesn’t seem very impressive to you, bear in mind that I’m still kind of in the process of relearning how to read, so I’m pretty stoked on this.

I read Maggie Nelson’s Bluets which is lovely and philosophical and lyrical and just really cool. Highly recommend, especially if you’re into poetry, philosophy, or both. Even if the book did shit on the color yellow just a little bit, which bugged me ’cause yellow is my favorite color and has always been my favorite color, but I’m willing to forgive here, ’cause Bluets stretched my brain into all sorts of fun shapes and that’s something I both want and need with regularity.

I have another book lined up: Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie’s short story collection The Thing Around Your Neck. I figured shorter books and short stories are probably a good way to ease myself back into being fully literate again and so far, so good. This whole thing is really important to me ’cause I frequently bemoan the stagnation I feel in my life, and continuous reading  keeps my brain from getting sludgy and helps me write better. And write more.

So this is basically me giving myself a cookie for having read a whole book, but I can’t overstate the significance of this for me. Before my dad died, before my bipolar diagnosis, and way before meds, I was always, always reading. There’s a period of my life during the first few years a college when I felt like I was advancing on a very satisfying track at a very thrilling pace. I don’t expect ever to get all of that back in the same form or pick up where I left off, but I’m hoping for a little redirection from the nowhere upon nowhere I’ve been passing through for the last several years.

Also, if I write it down and if I promise you guys I’m gonna finish another book, I’m a lot more likely to do it, so, you guys, I’m gonna finish another book. Let’cha know how it went!

-LB

Tagged: bipolar disorder, books, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, creativity, literacy, lithium, Maggie Nelson, meds, philosophy, poetry, quality of life, reading, writing

Karma, Bitch

Oh, color me a bitchbeast and allow me a moment of schadenfreude…After all the crap R gave me for being sick for so long with the ebolacoldflu…He got it. And it went away and he felt better for a day. And it came back and he wants to die.

Muahhahahhhaahaha. Told ya I wasn’t being lazy or making it up, bitch. This is some nasty shit.

Okay, I will stop being evil now. Still, when someone basically calls you a malingerer then it happens to them…Poetic justice.

I believe I have identified another problem with my meds. I took a Focalin this morning and now my skin is crawling off my bones. So I think that, too, is going to have to go. Can’t say I am sad, cos it only worked for about a month before conking out. I just can’t have meds that heighten what is already crippling anxiety. Of course, it’s gonna be months coming off all this shit and I do not look forward to it. And the lithium thing still has me balking cos of the weight gain, the nausea…All the progress made in pharma and they still can’t tweak a decent mood stabilizer other than Lamictal or Lithium. Assfuckery.

On a positive note…I think R and I have come to an understanding as far as my shop wenchery is concerned. I can strip boards for parts from home, so on the days I am in bad shape, I can just earn my brownie points that way. Of course, he was drunk when this conversation took place but I am gonna hold him to it. If I can pop in, do what he needs done in an hour, then bring home the boards and strip parts with the soldering iron while in my safe place…I might become less stressed and nasty toward him. Besides, there’s become something cathartic in stripping parts from the boards for me, I can’t explain it. Used to hate doing it. But then he used to mock me for being too slow at doing it and I kept telling him I needed a mega hot soldering iron, not a damn jewelry low wattage one. Now I have the good iron…I can strip a board in under an hour and that’s with my kid interrupting me.

Think being watched is the bane of my existence. I can type without looking at the keyboard or making a mistake for pages. The instant someone is watching me, I suddenly become all butter typo fingers. Same with stripping the boards.Can’t focus when someone is hanging over my damned shoulder. I work well on my own. Especially when allowed to move at my own pace.

So today I am gonna go to the shop (eventually) and do some busy work for him then bring home a stack of power supplies and mains and I am gonna harvest their organs. Parts, I mean. My kid is going to be at my dad’s all weekend once they come get her this afternoon (some rehearsal thing for the church christmas program, IDK) so I am gonna have almost two full days of…Being lost without my kid to drive me nuts. But if I have boards to pillage and shows to watch…I should be okay. And by doing this for him, he is going to make sure I have a little extra spending money for Christmas via his credit card. Yay. My family is getting what they always get- a frame pic of Spook and a home burned dvd of shows they like. IF I get energetic for that latter part. If not…meh. I’m cooking the chicken and noodles for our meal that night, let that be part of my contribution.

I think tonight my major plan is…sleep. See, I did this stupid fucking thing yesterday where I bragged on how Spook had slept through the night in her own bed for four nights in a row..And last night she was up four times. Stupid karma. THIS is why I don’t say positive shit. I always pay for it.

But apparently I am becoming a typecast bipolar depressive bummer so I shall try some humor here. And if you don’t find this song funny, I disown you. I have been playing  this in the car every morning when I take Spook to school as my ode to the holiday season.

 

 

 


Not sure if the Force was with me

Amidst all the stress of Christmas and being called into ‘the office’ for a meeting with Senior Management and HR, you’ve got to see the funny side of things:

In town this morning after yet another Occupational Health doctor appointment, who should walk up the street and pass me but.. Darth Vader.

I then saw him again in the market, waiting to buy a bus ticket.

I won’t lie; I did for a moment or two have to check if I was psychotic again or whether it was just Christmas. It was a difficult decision but I went with ‘Christmas’.

 


Not sure if the Force was with me

Amidst all the stress of Christmas and being called into ‘the office’ for a meeting with Senior Management and HR, you’ve got to see the funny side of things:

In town this morning after yet another Occupational Health doctor appointment, who should walk up the street and pass me but.. Darth Vader.

I then saw him again in the market, waiting to buy a bus ticket.

I won’t lie; I did for a moment or two have to check if I was psychotic again or whether it was just Christmas. It was a difficult decision but I went with ‘Christmas’.

 


I <3 Eeyore!

EEYORE


My friend Dyanes post: Two Concussions in One Day

Birth of a New Brain

Yesterday was weird.

Let me back up.

I live up in the Santa Cruz Mountains where the wild banana slugs roam, and every day is a little bit weird.

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But yesterday was weirder than usual.

After taking the kids to school (and only having one road rage-ish tizzy fit -a personal best!), I returned home toread the latest post by my friend Samina Raza of the award-winning Bipolar1Blog. 

Samina wrote about her first time ice skating. Her post was accompanied by a pictorial, which started out showing happy, beautiful scenes of Samina on the ice, and a video, but then it turned into something very different.  

Interestingly enough, Samina’s adventure wasn’t all gloom ‘n doom. While she took a spill and suffered a concussion, something else happened that day that was good – you need to read her post “went Ice Skating” to believe it!

I never would’ve guessed…

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Two Concussions in One Day

Yesterday was weird. Let me back up. I live up in the Santa Cruz Mountains where the wild banana slugs roam, and every day is a little bit weird.   But yesterday was weirder than usual. After taking the kids to school (and only having one road rage-ish tizzy fit -a personal best!), I returned … Continue reading Two Concussions in One Day