Daily Archives: December 10, 2015

Insomnia – My Mind Will Not Rest

Found this draft scrap of writing that I wrote 17 days ago. My hypomanic racing thoughts and insomnia did lead to finding solutions, but the solutions are long-term, not short term. Patience is required now.


4:15 am: third time I awoke this evening. My mind will not rest, will not cease looking for solutions to the health crisis in our family. Unfortunately crises such as this – mine being age related health issues incapaciating my parents, specifically my mother’s stroke over a week ago – can trigger mood cycling – for me hypomania.

Grief is a bitch.

I worry, too, about my son. My husband took last week and this week off work to pinch hit for me at home.


Filed under: Bipolar Disorder, Family, Health, Hypomania, Mood Cycling, Triggers to Mood Cycling Tagged: caregiving, caretaking, Grief, stroke

A Narrow Miss

Tuesday in DBT group, someone commented that she likes the word ones (mindfulness exercises) “except when Donna’s here”.  I told her she could look forward to doing them in 2016 when I wouldn’t be back.  Sierra said, “So things are going well then?  We should talk later.”  There wasn’t an opportunity to talk to her […]

Sleeping It Off

Sleep what off, you may ask. A drinking binge? A bout of cold/flu?

Nope. I was sleeping off my exhaustion from…sleeping. Yep, welcome to my fucked up corner of the world. I took 1mg xanax last night and six mg melatonin and I just fucking took up in fort blankie and let the cesspool world melt away. I was up several times, as usual, but even while awake, I made myself stay in bed. No wandering, no getting up to smoke, no fetching more water so I can pee ten more times an hour…

I thought this morning I’d be recharged.

Ha. I got my kid to school, came home, and curled back up in fort blankie and…went back to sleep. It wasn’t the solid restorative sleep needed, more an in and out vaguely aware of the background noise sleep..But I slept. I slept through an auto messg from the school, through a text or two, I just slept.

I woke around 12:30 and of course, the sloth guilt kicked in. But it proved one thing to me.

I think my meds are what have the anxiety kicked up so high. Because I skipped them all but Xanax for two days, the paranoia and anxiety went down, I was able to sleep more, and I am not jumping at every sound.

The downside of course is that I am as listless as a corpse but still…

I honestly believe the high dose Cymbalta and the prozac combo added with Focalin may well be what has me crawling out of my skin. That level of anxiety is not my baseline, more an anomaly, so it would make sense.

Thing is, I can’t quit any of those cold turkey unless I basically want to kill myself with withdrawal. And I can’t technically quit them without doc permission anyway.

I just think the culprit has been identified and sadly…dual anti depressant therapy was MY idea.

It makes zero sense since all their propaganda claims anti depressants lower anxiety.

It makes me even more determined, though, to bully him into viewing  my records from 06-08 when  I was on 900mg Lithium, 100 mg Lithium, no anti depressants. It didn’t cure the depression, but it kept me focused, able to function and writing. Maybe that listless state is my future. It can’t suck worse than this hot wired state I’ve been in for months now. I thought it was just extra energy.

Now I think I’m so hopped up on these things it’s canceling out the xanax.

He wanted me on fewer drugs. I want me on fewer drugs.

So why do I get the feeling I am still gonna have to wield a barbwire shovel to get him to listen to me?

Maybe I am full of shit, I don’t know.

But I think at least weaning to lower dosages on the anti depressants for now may be the way to go. I don’t ever advise anyone to do that, but when you get shit mental health care, sometimes you’re all you’ve got, whether it works out or goes to shit. (Anyway, this is a blog, not an advice site- if I had any good advice I’d give it to myself and shut the fuck up.)

But, yeah…sleep. I slept. A lot. And it’s almost time to go get my kid from the chaos and I am so lethargic I don’t even feel nervous. I want to go back to sleep.

I heard something on a tv show the other day that pertained to grieving but I think it applies to depression as well…

“Maybe you’re sad and depressed because you’re protecting yourself for what you are going to have to face…You’re not wasting time, you’re conserving energy for when you need it most.”

 


Though

imageMy friend Darlene Bradlee, who is a yoga teacher, an extraordinary photographer , and a beautiful human being, posted this on Facebook and I’m stealing it. It is like a balm for your soul, calming and soothing and strengthening.   For all of you, my friends, readers and family, with love

“Though your responsibilities and obligations are very real and pressing, they do not have to burden you. For when you are willing to accept responsibility for something, you put yourself in control of it.

Though a profound sadness may come down upon you, it does not have to burden you. For that sadness is possible only because you care so very much, and because you know without a doubt how beautiful life can be.

Though darkness may be all around you, it does not have to burden you. For that darkness only makes your own light more brightly visible…

Though the problems and distractions may seem to have no end, they do not have to burden you. For by moving through them you will be coming closer toward your dream.

Though life may be difficult, it does not have to burden you. For you can live moment by moment by moment, joyfully making the most of each and every one.”
–Ralph Marston


On My Way To The Kardashian Ass Factory

What the fuck is up with these fame fuckers Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? And why can’t they come up with a reasonable name for their children?  North West?  Saint West?  Why not Go West, or better yet, Go Down West, since this is a part of their forte?  What is in these children’s futures?  They got a daddy who thinks he’s “Yeezus” and a Mama who thinks she’s a legit fashion and business mogul.  Does she think that we don’t know she got peed on ON FILM and that’s how she gained her fame?  How does she show her face?  Why can’t she change her name to Audacity Kardashian?  Oh that’s right, they don’t trade in honesty or authenticity.  They are the epitome of LA – Lots of ASS and not much else really.  Now don’t get me started on those bulbous tumors a la elephant man growing out of Kim’s ass.  How did this get to be a thing?  And how, HOW does she find clothes to accommodate those massive blobs of ass she’s workin’ back there?  Does she buy two pairs of jeans, and merge the asses?  It MUST be.  The staff working behind the scenes just to support Kim’s ASS must be monumental.  We’ve got the mashers.  The fillers.  The shapers.  The seamstresses.  The consultants.  No Kim, that just won’t do!  Your ass is cylindrical in that number.  On and on and on.  The goal of course is a franchise.  Kim Kardashian Ass International.  It’s gonna take some work to get that off the ground.  First of all, we’re gonna need some decent ass molds.  Basketballs would probably do.  Then, a fleet of injectors.  Fill, fill, fill.  Shape,  punch that shit around like dough.  Make it just so.  Then, clothe the new ass-ball appendage in the latest styles, with added cutouts for the roundabouts.  Soon we’ll need new seating, another market for Kim.  She’s got it locked down.  New shoes, stilettos that cause that thang to bulge, like an avalanche about to slide down the mountain.  All covered by the Kardashain Kollection.  These bitches are getting paid every step of the way, believe me.  Once a critical mass is reached, big bulging basketball asses everywhere, why goodness God, Kim has lost the baby weight and oh my Gawd she lost the ass along with it!!  It’s a new trend, the slender ass.  Call your doctor!  Schedule an appointment.  Get with Kim for the latest accoutrements for the slenderest ass the world has never seen.  She will break the internet showing it off in 3…2…1…blastoff oh and there’s the full frontal too my God her tits are gone! Completely gone.  The new look is just a blank rectangle of flesh.  Body Sculpting By Kardashain to the rescue for all your tit removal needs yes for the moment we’re keeping our pussies, ladies.  Meanwhile, Kim and Kanye buy Paris, France and move with their young tribe of embarassments, North and Saint.  We’ll have further updates in our next episode.  Stay tuned to The Kardashians Run Our Lives!


Filed under: Bipolar Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Humor, Kardashian Ass Factory, Kardashians Rule The World, Mental, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

Why? ~ A Series of Rhetorical Questions

  1. Why do I believe that I am worthless?
  2. Why do I believe that I do not deserve to be happy?
  3. Why do I believe that I am unlovable?
  4. Why do I believe that I am not worth loving?
  5. Why do I believe that I am not capable of being something better than damaged?
  6. Why do I hate myself so much and where did I learn to hate myself?
  7. Why aren’t the voices in my head a little kinder and gentler?

Filed under: Broken and Bleeding, Uncategorized Tagged: Major depressive disorder, Mental Health

Why? ~ A Series of Rhetorical Questions

  1. Why do I believe that I am worthless?
  2. Why do I believe that I do not deserve to be happy?
  3. Why do I believe that I am unlovable?
  4. Why do I believe that I am not worth loving?
  5. Why do I believe that I am not capable of being something better than damaged?
  6. Why do I hate myself so much and where did I learn to hate myself?
  7. Why aren’t the voices in my head a little kinder and gentler?

Filed under: Broken and Bleeding, Uncategorized Tagged: Major depressive disorder, Mental Health

comma

So yesterday was therapy (how not to attempt suicide during the holiday season) and blood tests (how to find skinny veins) and more meds (yes alright, tonight clozapine). Although she doesn’t want me using other meds unless it’s crucial, I’m now OK to use sulpuride prn to help with the recent, intense rage spikes in … Continue reading comma

MAtv interview about mental health

Hello my mad lovelies! Last week I participated on a panel about mental health care in Quebec on MAtv’s City Life. Check it out here (starts at 9 minutes and 25 seconds):  

Submission: Alex_elu

-“My nighttime sedation… my little piece of heaven the hours I’m not conscious of what’s happening in my reality”