Daily Archives: November 27, 2015

Taking Back the Happiness Key

Keys

I’m not old by any means, but at thirty-four years of age, I have learned a few things.  Many of them have solidified here in my brain quite recently, but there is no less reason to celebrate, and no other reason to not be joyful that the lessons WERE learned.  I believe that one of the most important lessons I have learned references the above photo, and not letting others hold the key to your happiness.

I spent the majority of my life figuring this one out, and now that it is fairly stuck in my head, I have absolutely no intention on letting it slip back out again.  Not to say that I won’t have moments when I don’t misplace said key or loan it to someone that isn’t worthy, but overall, the key to my own happiness resides within me, and I can’t be any more pleased to have finally figured out this life lesson.

Part of a Rosa problem, is to let the actions (and sometimes inactions) of people around me, bring me down.  Through DBT and individual therapy, and just a whole lot of pondering, I have realized that what other people do or don’t do, is entirely up to them; it is my REACTION only that I control.  If someone acts offensively toward me, I might wonder what that had to do with me, and be very confused (or scared or upset or other negative emotion).

Here recently, I have realized that sometimes people behave badly for no reason (or, no reason to do with something I can control).  I can walk away.  AND, I can walk away with my head held high, because I have learned another lesson the hard way — this is not about me, and not everything IS about me.  I am not the center of most people’s universe, so just because they throw sticks and stones my way, doesn’t mean it is about me.

I wish I could have realized some of these lessons when I was much, much younger.  Growing up in a household where one parent often flew off the handle for (seemingly) no reason, and spending a lot of time thinking that things were my fault — much displaced guilt, shame, fear.

Being in romantic relationships where I was constantly being bullied, although I could never see a *why* in it, but just figured it was something I “had” to take — how I wish I wouldn’t have lingered in those situations so long.  Knowing that I may not have, knowing that I hold the key to my own happiness and it is my reactions to other people (and their behavior) that I am able to control…wow, if I could only have known those things then.

So where to go from here?  I have already stopped taking the bullstuff of others so personally.  When someone around me is having a bad time, I don’t always assume it is because of something I have done.  If I am feeling down or blue or sad or anxious, I have tools that I pull out to make myself feel better.

It doesn’t always work, but it seems that I have learned to better comfort myself, rather than constantly seeking comfort from another person.  Now, I still do seek comfort from others, but I am also now much more likely to do the things I know how to do to comfort myself first.  This makes for better relationships all around, especially if I am not begging someone else (generally QoB or my Dad or LarBear) to comfort me all the time.

comfort myself

via teachingliteracy.tumblr.com

 

 

 


Filed under: A Life Worth Living, Neuroticism Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, comfort myself, DBT, depression, dialectical behavior therapy, distress tolerance, effectiveness, Family, happiness, hope, joy, love, mania, mental illness, mental-health, mindfulness, mixed episode, relationships, self-soothe, willingness

Taking Back the Happiness Key

Keys

I’m not old by any means, but at thirty-four years of age, I have learned a few things.  Many of them have solidified here in my brain quite recently, but there is no less reason to celebrate, and no other reason to not be joyful that the lessons WERE learned.  I believe that one of the most important lessons I have learned references the above photo, and not letting others hold the key to your happiness.

I spent the majority of my life figuring this one out, and now that it is fairly stuck in my head, I have absolutely no intention on letting it slip back out again.  Not to say that I won’t have moments when I don’t misplace said key or loan it to someone that isn’t worthy, but overall, the key to my own happiness resides within me, and I can’t be any more pleased to have finally figured out this life lesson.

Part of a Rosa problem, is to let the actions (and sometimes inactions) of people around me, bring me down.  Through DBT and individual therapy, and just a whole lot of pondering, I have realized that what other people do or don’t do, is entirely up to them; it is my REACTION only that I control.  If someone acts offensively toward me, I might wonder what that had to do with me, and be very confused (or scared or upset or other negative emotion).

Here recently, I have realized that sometimes people behave badly for no reason (or, no reason to do with something I can control).  I can walk away.  AND, I can walk away with my head held high, because I have learned another lesson the hard way — this is not about me, and not everything IS about me.  I am not the center of most people’s universe, so just because they throw sticks and stones my way, doesn’t mean it is about me.

I wish I could have realized some of these lessons when I was much, much younger.  Growing up in a household where one parent often flew off the handle for (seemingly) no reason, and spending a lot of time thinking that things were my fault — much displaced guilt, shame, fear.

Being in romantic relationships where I was constantly being bullied, although I could never see a *why* in it, but just figured it was something I “had” to take — how I wish I wouldn’t have lingered in those situations so long.  Knowing that I may not have, knowing that I hold the key to my own happiness and it is my reactions to other people (and their behavior) that I am able to control…wow, if I could only have known those things then.

So where to go from here?  I have already stopped taking the bullstuff of others so personally.  When someone around me is having a bad time, I don’t always assume it is because of something I have done.  If I am feeling down or blue or sad or anxious, I have tools that I pull out to make myself feel better.

It doesn’t always work, but it seems that I have learned to better comfort myself, rather than constantly seeking comfort from another person.  Now, I still do seek comfort from others, but I am also now much more likely to do the things I know how to do to comfort myself first.  This makes for better relationships all around, especially if I am not begging someone else (generally QoB or my Dad or LarBear) to comfort me all the time.

comfort myself

via teachingliteracy.tumblr.com

 

 

 


Filed under: A Life Worth Living, Neuroticism Tagged: anxiety, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, comfort myself, DBT, depression, dialectical behavior therapy, distress tolerance, effectiveness, Family, happiness, hope, joy, love, mania, mental illness, mental-health, mindfulness, mixed episode, relationships, self-soothe, willingness

Bleak Friday

Tis gray, cold, and rainy here today so Bleak seems an appropriate adjective. My mood”s pretty meh and I am feeling cold, achy, and lethargic. Nothing new following the stress of a holiday, even one where nothing particularly traumatic happened. (Momster got her normal digs in, but whatever.) Thus far today, Spook and I have run to the shop and R bought me a pack of smokes for ordering a couple of parts and fetching him lunch. I can live with that.

Shark week has come to an end, which just about figures. When I don’t have to be out and about the pain goes away but when expected to be functioning, I am crippled by ovary Oompa Loompas, ffs. I am suffering a headache from when we stopped at Jiffy Stop and it was all busy and the gas pump things were just constantly beeping. (How can you not admire people with steely enough nerves to handle working in such a chaotic mess???) I’ve done my due diligence and called both family factions for post holiday check in. Just finished watching The Lazurus Effect, which was fucking weird. But I like weird.

The spawn has been  so well behaved it’s like invasion of the body snatchers. Except they left her yappy mouth behind. I let her have my tablet to play and she still has to fill every moment with noise. Geesh. Not helping the headache, nor is the Tylenol. Just such a pointless dreary day. I’ve indulged in the usual Fangsgiving leftovers. Anti climactic. All that work and for what? To listen to everyone bitch how full they are blah blah blah. Such a depressive holiday even if the spirit is good. Fuck you, Hallmark and money grubbing companies who use holiday spending to buy new jets.

Lots of noise from passing traffic in the trailer hood today. Got my panxiety up so I had to take a Xanax, which I’ve not needed all week due to being in so much misery. Of course, stupid me didn’t even think to take one this morning before venturing into the dish. DERP. Black Friday, traffic was nerve racking. I survived unscathed but damn, I can’t believe I’m so lethargic I didn’t even think about traffic. It’s like my body is going through the motions but my brain is still in fort blankie snoozing. Not even an energy shot helped. This cold and dampness just drain me. Gloom used to revive me. People looove to say it’s because I am older now and I have a kid and yada yada. I blame the depression for sucking the life out of me.

And therein lies the rub. The doctors and counselors and McMuggles always want to make it about “what is going on in your life right now that is making you so depressed.” With bipolar depression, there doesn’t need to be an outside trigger. LIVING in your own misfiring brain is enough. I don’t have an awful life. We have all our needs med, even if not in lavish style. No more stress than is normal for holiday season. No bridges burned I have to repair. Depression is my baseline, sadly. Mania used to be my six month baseline, then depression my fall/winter baseline. Since mood stabilizers…It’s about two or three months of “semi stable” and the rest is all depression. I sometimes wonder if the mood stabilizers cause the worsened depression by quashing too many of the feel good chemicals.

And this joke of “happy lights” and “light therapy” because seasonal depressions are only caused by that factor alone…it would make me laugh if it didn’t make me so furious. UV lights give me massive headaches so while I don’t discount their positive impact on lifting the mood…Do I really want six months of headaches for maybe a 1% boost in my mood that lasts an hour IF I am lucky? I get it, sunlight is good for the brain. Except when you’re hypersensitive to bright light (which I NEVER was prior to years on lithium, the primary side effect of which is…extreme sensitivity to bright light, maybe it altered me or something.)

Besides which, bipolar depression can happen any time, any season, any weather, light hours be damned. So STOP FUCKING ASKING WHY A DEPRESSIVE IS DEPRESSED AND JUST TREAT THE FUCKING SHIT. I want dual mood stabilizer therapy since the anti depressant dual therapy isn’t doing fuck all. He’s already nixed that cos I am not manic. Just beating my head against a wall here, all the while every single fucking visit he bemoans, “You’ve tried everything, I don’t know what else to do.” UM, LISTEN TO ME AND LET ME DO A DUAL MOOD STABILIZER?? Much as I loathe Lithium and its nasty side effects and lab work, it, combined with Lamictal and NO anti depressant, gave me the longest most stable periods. The depression was there, but the way I coped with it was different because my brain was solid.

I don’t see him til after X-Mas so I guess I tread more water and pray to the pegacorn the dual anti depressants gain traction. I’d hate to lose the Cymbalta, truthfully, cos it ups my energy and lessens my knee pain. But it’s certainly not been the wonder drug it once was, lifting me out of the depths. Then again, none of them ever have. And especially not their newfangled atypical antipsychotics that are supposed to be superman and wonderwoman combined for bipolar. Bullfuckingshit. It’s poison. They don’t work and I have had more side effects with them than any other drugs combined. Still they keep pushing them as the cure all even when you take shit like Latuda and it tells you to kill yourself daily. “You just need a higher dose.”

What I need a is a lawyer on retainer so I can sue my shit doctors.

Okay…Rant over. Time to find another movie to rot my brain. Is it wrong to look forward to bedtime every single night? Even if I don’t sleep through and have fucked up dreams, I anticipate blankie fort time like it’s an expense paid trip to the islands. Every. single. night. The depression has quashed my hopes. The word “future” means shit to me nowadays. What fucking future? Just more treading water, more round and round on the hamster wheel.

If they had paid posterchildren for depression, I could afford to send my kid to all the ivy league schools at the same fucking time.


A Pie Dough Sculpture’s Worth A Thousand Words

Avonlea’s Thanksgiving Pie Dough “Pig Face” made in a fit of pique   Thanksgiving is a weird time in my head. I feel the loss of my Dad most deeply on Thanksgiving. He died in 2009, but I think of him often and I miss him. An avid cook, my father loved making all sorts of Thanksgiving … Continue reading A Pie Dough Sculpture’s Worth A Thousand Words

Shut Up Mind, Let Me Rest

Woke up in the wee hours of the morning. Mind won’t let me rest. Too many loose ends to tie. Found lovely memory care for both my parents in my neighborhood, so they can stay together and I can visit regularly. Today must get durable power of attorney signed and notarized, so my sister and I can pay the bills. Praying my mom passes her stroke swallow test. She cannot join my father in memory care unless she can swallow liquids. Continued well wishes and prayers welcome. Certainly can’t hurt. Thank you.


Filed under: Dementia, Family, Hypomania, Mood Cycling, Triggers to Mood Cycling Tagged: aging, caretaking, stroke

#FeatureFriday: Dyane Leshin-Harwood on POSTPARTUM BIPOLAR

We’re kicking off our new Feature Friday slot with a great friend of ours and a topic that is her particular field of expertise. BIPOLAR, PERIPARTUM ONSET (POSTPARTUM BIPOLAR): THE IGNORED […]

Thanxgivingitisover

image

Happy fangsgiving.

Thanks to Sass for that cheery pic that made me gleefully giddy. Yeah I am that twisted.
We survived turkey day.  Yay. Next Friday the nightmare plz.


Happy Fucking Thanksgiving!

I just about PUKED on all the good will towards (wo)men and love and thanksgiving that was flowing all over social media today.  C’mon people, where’s the hate?  Where’s the bigotry?  Hypocrisy?  You actually gave it up for a day?

Well my family did NOT put the “fun” in dysfunction today.  It was an ordeal to be endured and frankly I am not down with that shit.  Why I didn’t bring some of the good shit with me is just beyond me.  I am an asshole, I guess.  My Dad, true to form, yelled his head off at my Aunt (my Mom’s sister) because he is five years old (not 82) and doesn’t want to share my Mom.  I, being a mature adult, did not punch my Dad’s 82 year old face in, although it was definitely my first choice.  Instead, since I am also a five year old, I packed up my toys and left with a dismissive “Bye Bitch” (really just Bye but I like the sound of Bye Bitch oh so much more).  If you could only see what goes on inside me when my Dad yells, it’s like Satan lights the fires of hell in me and I want to scream and yell and hit something.  Doing nothing like that is very unsatisfying.  Instead, I drive home and proceed to turn it inward by getting stoned as hell.  Solution!  Shitty, addictive solution but I’m working with the tools at hand and that’s what I’ve got.  I know, I know, I should stay away from the damn marijuana store.  Those fuckers lure me in with all of their delicious edibles and their different strains, their indicas and sativas and cbd’s and cbn’s and pain patches.  But all it does is get you stoned.  Nothing fancy.  I go back and forth with “am I going to be clean and sober” and “am I going to go ahead and be a real pothead”.  Right now I am leaning towards pothead.  But no drinking.  Except for tomorrow night.  Because I have a DATE!  With a REAL BOY!!!  Oh I say boy but hell he’s in his thirties.  He and I like to drink and smoke pot and talk a blue streak and, uh, other things.  You know.  Play tinker toys.  It’ll be fun.

I hope you had a satisfying day in some way.  If you didn’t, don’t feel bad.  It ain’t all rose-colored dildos out there.  There’s a lot of trash.  I had a bad day, so someone else didn’t have to.  That’s the way I see it.  Now for Christmas, I think I’m going to arrange to be gone.  I better think of an elaborate lie, starting right now.  Any ideas?  Hope your day was peachy.  Love, Bipolaronfire.  FIRE!!!!!

 


Filed under: Bipolar, Bipolar Pothead, Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Happy Fucking Thanksgiving, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader