Well folks, apparently it is altogether possible that there is an actual meme or photoquote or graphic to describe how I am feeling right now. And really, leave it to Tupac to set me straight! Things continue on in my world, about as normal as the setting on a washing machine, but again there have been some blips on the radar.
My mom (QoB) and stepdad (Big Dawg) were together for thirty-some years when their divorce was finalized at the beginning of 2015. Big Dawg did his part (to the best of his ability), in helping my mom raise me. I won’t say he was perfect, but he wasn’t a demon either. He was many times there when I needed him, although was just as often in the other room staring at the TV while I cried and fumed and fought and otherwise dealt with the the irascible mental illness within my brain.
He angered easily, although he never struck me or my sister (that I remember), but my clearest memories are of him losing his temper and yelling and doing the lecture-thing far too often. It was through him that I truly believe I learned some really terrible coping skills and relationship skills, but I don’t hold him to blame for any of that. It is what it is, it was what it was.
Somewhere between the announcement of the pending divorce and now, I have taken it upon myself to be extra-special-nice to Big Dawg. Mostly because I feel sorry for him, now quite pathetic and alone. When he and QoB very first broke up, I do believe (looking back) that he showered me with attention and affection, using me as a pawn to get to my mother. I do see that clearly now.
What’s difficult, is that the attention he gave me, I had been thirsting after for most of my life, so I didn’t see it as negative at the time. In fact, it is hard to see it as negative even today. And maybe tomorrow, it will be difficult, too — I have no way of knowing.
What I do know is that my mind has been playing some fierce tricks on me, and I am at a point where I am on a wire above the city, balancing between giving him more benefit of the doubt, more opportunities, more chances, or just hopping off the wire onto my emergency inflated escape pad and giving absolutely NO MORE of myself. Now, not no more of myself forever, but for quite some time.
I have a tendency to give too many chances, especially to the men in my life. Oftentimes, people around me don’t understand it, and wonder why, oh why, is Rosa giving this schmuck another go at her heart and *fragile* psyche.
I have a hard time giving up on people, and I always have. I can have been completely hurt by someone at age six through thirty, and continue to give more and more chances. It has worked out in my favor a few times, but mostly it ends me up with heartache. I don’t want anymore heartache at this point.
I am at a point right now, where I am unsure if I can follow through on current family commitments, nevertheless keep attempting to stoke the fire under a certain person’s ass, praying that they will take notice of me again and give me the time of day. Praying I won’t always get chosen dead last for every little thing.
I grew up with a romanticized notion of how someone was, deep down, and now that the gold glitter paint is flecking off, I’m at a loss as for what to do.
I will make it through this Thanksgiving because I am tough and LarBear will be at my side, but I am not sure I am going to be able to follow through on anything after that. I believe everything is going to need to be “up in the air,” and I will take it day by day.
Which, hmph, is what I am supposed to be doing anyway — mindfulness, keep it simple stupid, day by day, minute by minute, stay in wise mind, hug a tree.
Filed under: Collection of Thoughts
, The World Spins Around Me
, bipolar disorder
, giving up