Daily Archives: November 18, 2015

The Local is Lekker Linkdump

Originally posted on Our Lived Experience:
Welcome to this, the inaugural South African linkdump, may blog bless her and all who sail in her. First up, human interest stories, featuring…

Amanda Strydom doesn’t hide her bipolar

Originally posted on Our Lived Experience:
Here’s what Amanda Strydom had to say about Bipolar earlier this year: (It changed my life and built my life.) Let’s look back… way…

From one day to the next

Originally posted on Our Lived Experience:
one day i’m fine, the next i dine on suicide, and pesticide one day i’m down with a frown cold as stone, in agony moan then i am…

Spew some sunshine on me…

Yeah,that just popped into my head to the tune of Def Leppard’s “Pour some sugar on me”. Probably remnants of a rousing conversation R and I had in which I chastised them for becoming a ballad driven Vegas lounge act and he pointed out how their ballads at least have good lyrics. I concur up to a point, “When Love and Hate Collide” is  beautiful song. But I’ll be damned if I am gonna go see a band who has pretty much cut out their superior hard rocking stuff. I’m 42, a mom, and, to quote Twisted Sister, “I wanna rock!”

So no metaphoric sunshine or optimism, please. Not that kind of sunshine. I’m talking the actual stuff that warms and brightens outside. We are in day three of cold windy wet gloom and it’s harshing my mellow big time. Much as the sun gives me headaches, it seems beneficial to my moods not being further down the drain. I have zero motivation even as laundry’s piled so high I have to climb over it to get to the back bedroom. I did better when I was sick, I swear. I think one of the biggest issues is that my kid has been back to spewing pea soup. It’s like she runs in cycles, a week of wearing a halo, a week of horns sprouting out from under her hair. I try not to be too hard on her, she’s only six, but if she can learn and maintain good behavior at school, I don’t see the harm in expecting the same at home.

Unfortunately, I got little girl who has the destructive nature of a little boy. She made her own Nutella sandwich the other night…Used the entire new jar of Nutella. (I literally cannot go to the bathroom and she does this stuff.) Last night she broke  a water filled clock I gave her by removing the rubber plunger piece then dumping it on her bedroom floor and bringing the rest of it to my room and dumping it on my floor. I don’t know what possesses her to do these things. Every time I think I can stop being such  a helicopter mom and trust her, she proves me wrong. Guess this is my karma for coloring mom and dad’s brand new white aluminum siding with crayons when I was her age. Of course, if I’d been closely supervised I wouldn’t have managed to create a wax mural. I don’t leave my kid alone two minutes and she does the same stuff, so maybe it’s not supervision at all. IDK, I am winging this parental thing cos mine sure as hell didn’t come with instructions.

I know she has moved on to a new manipulation kick. Any time I correct her, even if it’s to say “your shoe is untied, let me fix that” she flies off the handle, starts hitting herself in the head, bawling “I’m stupid, I’m a horrible person, you should just get rid of me!” I know it’s an act because if I drop whatever the problem was and tickle her, the tears dry up instantly and she’s all giggles again. She just doesn’t want to take responsibility for her actions so she attempts to play me like a fiddle. Not working. Well, it’s working on my last nerve but I’m not caving in to that bullshit.

I just finished watching last night’s The Flash. It was soo good it gave me tingly goosebumps. I think I am supposed to go to the shop today to prod him to do something but I’m just not feeling it. I think I shall stay home and watch izombie next. Fiction soup for the soul.

I finally got around to watching Gone Girl the other day. With an attention span limited to about 40 minutes, watching a two and a half hour movie was an achievement for me. And it didn’t suck. In fact, a lot of it reminded me how miserable the donor and I made each other. I don’t know either of us set out to make the other miserable, but we just never blended well. Though I know I’m not a sociopathic killer and I am fairly sure he’s not a killer, so maybe it wasn’t all that reticent of that fiasco. IDK. I think I am to the point where even the notion of relationships makes me cringe. It always turns out the same way. I tell someone about all my mental issues, they assure me they can handle it, I go down the rabbit hole, and they have to leave because I am dragging them down with me. How many times do I have to do the same damned thing before I learn the damned lesson? Not giving up. Just accepting that maybe relationships aren’t for me. Not traditional ones anyway. Maybe if I had a guy in the military who was home once a year…

Damn this gloom. I wanted to go get groceries, and Salvation Army moved to a nicer store and I wanted to check it out, minus the spawn of “I want” being with me. Alas, I can’t be arsed. Most of me wants to go back to bed, back to soothing vanilla  bean blankie fort, and sleep. Daytime naps are not my norm, didn’t even nap while I was so sick. But today I can’t scrape enough cobwebs off my brain to fully feel awake. It’s irksome.

Brain’s up! Off to watch izombie. I am gonna assume tobasco sauce makes brains tastier cos Liv is always putting it on the brain of the week she is eating. LOVE that show.

Maybe I need a man who is a zombie. I always wanted someone to just like me for my brain.


Bam!!! Just kidding! I’m not ok!

My husband is a veteran. In his 18 years of service he participated in the first gulf war and went to Iraq in in 2008. Our soldiers are so so close to my heart. They live something that most of us will never even come close to understanding. My husband has lost several friends and brothers since he has been home. The most recent was a young man that was 31 years old and an absolutely tortured soul. His death about a month ago sent me into a downward spiral. It was already the end of a very busy fall season of cheerleading practice, football games, chess club, and 5th grade honor choir for my kids. One thing I have learned is that being very busy isn’t a eat thing for my mental stability. I was looking forward to getting back to normal when we get the message that OB(Eric) was once again in the hospital. My husband went and spent the day at the hospital with his friend and his family and the next morning OB passed from this world. 

I really wanted to be there for my husband. After all this wasn’t about me. But I couldn’t even talk about it with crying. You see OB helped to take care of my husband when I couldn’t. He was my daughters first “boyfriend” and my ten year old had to grieve as well. Plus, he was really an amazing young man. He was fun loving and kind and loved every person he ever met. He fought for his country and stood tall beside his brothers. We have shared many laughs and good times with someone who was taken way to soon. 
I would love to say I’m better now. And mostly I am. I can function again. But this has proven to me that I will never be ok. I will always be fighting and learning and working to stay healthy. I have also been able to see that the 9 months prior to this where things seemed easy is something to be thankful for. I wouldn’t have had those 9 months without my correct diagnosis and medication. I know this to shall pass and that I will have more of the feeling from those 9 months. For that I am grateful and thankful and couldn’t be be happy about. I am looking forward to moving forward and continuing to learn about myself and my illness so I can keep even more control over what is going on. 

As for our soldiers. Our young men and women, and their families. Please thank you soldiers and those that serve this country. They sacrifice more than time away from their family and bodily harm. They sacrifice their mental health and way of life to defend what many in this country take for granted. We are free to to speak our minds, have our own beliefs, and live however we want because sometime somewhere someone stood up and fought for the freedoms we enjoy. Before people get to upset and offended I encourage them to consider what it would be like if we didn’t live in America and have the “right” to do all the stupid stuff we do. We are blessed and should always be eternally grateful to our men and women in uniform who very often sacrifice everything for our “right” to speak our minds. 
Have a blessed day!! And always always thank a soldier!!!


Bam!!! Just kidding! I’m not ok!

My husband is a veteran. In his 18 years of service he participated in the first gulf war and went to Iraq in in 2008. Our soldiers are so so close to my heart. They live something that most of us will never even come close to understanding. My husband has lost several friends and brothers since he has been home. The most recent was a young man that was 31 years old and an absolutely tortured soul. His death about a month ago sent me into a downward spiral. It was already the end of a very busy fall season of cheerleading practice, football games, chess club, and 5th grade honor choir for my kids. One thing I have learned is that being very busy isn’t a eat thing for my mental stability. I was looking forward to getting back to normal when we get the message that OB(Eric) was once again in the hospital. My husband went and spent the day at the hospital with his friend and his family and the next morning OB passed from this world. 

I really wanted to be there for my husband. After all this wasn’t about me. But I couldn’t even talk about it with crying. You see OB helped to take care of my husband when I couldn’t. He was my daughters first “boyfriend” and my ten year old had to grieve as well. Plus, he was really an amazing young man. He was fun loving and kind and loved every person he ever met. He fought for his country and stood tall beside his brothers. We have shared many laughs and good times with someone who was taken way to soon. 
I would love to say I’m better now. And mostly I am. I can function again. But this has proven to me that I will never be ok. I will always be fighting and learning and working to stay healthy. I have also been able to see that the 9 months prior to this where things seemed easy is something to be thankful for. I wouldn’t have had those 9 months without my correct diagnosis and medication. I know this to shall pass and that I will have more of the feeling from those 9 months. For that I am grateful and thankful and couldn’t be be happy about. I am looking forward to moving forward and continuing to learn about myself and my illness so I can keep even more control over what is going on. 

As for our soldiers. Our young men and women, and their families. Please thank you soldiers and those that serve this country. They sacrifice more than time away from their family and bodily harm. They sacrifice their mental health and way of life to defend what many in this country take for granted. We are free to to speak our minds, have our own beliefs, and live however we want because sometime somewhere someone stood up and fought for the freedoms we enjoy. Before people get to upset and offended I encourage them to consider what it would be like if we didn’t live in America and have the “right” to do all the stupid stuff we do. We are blessed and should always be eternally grateful to our men and women in uniform who very often sacrifice everything for our “right” to speak our minds. 
Have a blessed day!! And always always thank a soldier!!!


Bam!!! Just kidding! I’m not ok!

My husband is a veteran. In his 18 years of service he participated in the first gulf war and went to Iraq in in 2008. Our soldiers are so so close to my heart. They live something that most of us will never even come close to understanding. My husband has lost several friends and brothers since he has been home. The most recent was a young man that was 31 years old and an absolutely tortured soul. His death about a month ago sent me into a downward spiral. It was already the end of a very busy fall season of cheerleading practice, football games, chess club, and 5th grade honor choir for my kids. One thing I have learned is that being very busy isn’t a eat thing for my mental stability. I was looking forward to getting back to normal when we get the message that OB(Eric) was once again in the hospital. My husband went and spent the day at the hospital with his friend and his family and the next morning OB passed from this world. 

I really wanted to be there for my husband. After all this wasn’t about me. But I couldn’t even talk about it with crying. You see OB helped to take care of my husband when I couldn’t. He was my daughters first “boyfriend” and my ten year old had to grieve as well. Plus, he was really an amazing young man. He was fun loving and kind and loved every person he ever met. He fought for his country and stood tall beside his brothers. We have shared many laughs and good times with someone who was taken way to soon. 
I would love to say I’m better now. And mostly I am. I can function again. But this has proven to me that I will never be ok. I will always be fighting and learning and working to stay healthy. I have also been able to see that the 9 months prior to this where things seemed easy is something to be thankful for. I wouldn’t have had those 9 months without my correct diagnosis and medication. I know this to shall pass and that I will have more of the feeling from those 9 months. For that I am grateful and thankful and couldn’t be be happy about. I am looking forward to moving forward and continuing to learn about myself and my illness so I can keep even more control over what is going on. 

As for our soldiers. Our young men and women, and their families. Please thank you soldiers and those that serve this country. They sacrifice more than time away from their family and bodily harm. They sacrifice their mental health and way of life to defend what many in this country take for granted. We are free to to speak our minds, have our own beliefs, and live however we want because sometime somewhere someone stood up and fought for the freedoms we enjoy. Before people get to upset and offended I encourage them to consider what it would be like if we didn’t live in America and have the “right” to do all the stupid stuff we do. We are blessed and should always be eternally grateful to our men and women in uniform who very often sacrifice everything for our “right” to speak our minds. 
Have a blessed day!! And always always thank a soldier!!!


Ouch! Hernias and brain lesions

*Singing* This cut hurts like a motherf$%^&. AH HA AH HA This was adapted from my favourite song right now, “This Summer’s Gonna Hurt” by Maroon 5. The explicit version has a real kick to it. I underwent surgery last week Friday for my hernia, and I tell you it’s been rough. Not that I’m […]

One Day Later, Anonymous Already Takes Down 3,824 Pro-ISIS Twitter Accounts

Hackers declare war on ISIS, results show up the next day

One day after declaring war on ISIS members, Anonymous has already managed to take down over 3,800 Twitter accounts linked to various ISIS members and associates.

The hacktivism group quickly got its business together, created an official Twitter accountfor the whole #OpParis operation, and a new website where to centralize all ISIS accounts.

Besides scanning for ISIS Twitter accounts themselves, the hacking group has also opened access to the site to those interested. Anyone who comes across ISIS social media accounts can easily search the database and report any new terrorists and supporters.

The website is called #opIceISIS and will index ISIS members based on their real name, location, picture, Twitter, Facebook, and YouTube accounts.

Before the Paris attacks, Anonymous waged war on ISIS members after the Charlie Hebdo attacks, earlier this year, during operation #OpISIS. That time, the group managed to take down tens of thousands of accounts.

With over 3,800 just on the first day, the group seems more determined this time around to finally put an end to the terrorist group.

Just before the Paris attacks, the Ghost Security Group, another secret hacking posse, revealed that they traced Bitcoin wallets holding more than $3 million / €2.8 million back to known ISIS members.

With Anonymous’ most recent additions of known ISIS members to their database, law enforcement agencies and other hacking groups might be able to track down more accounts and hinder the terrorists’ activities.

UPDATE: UK journalists are claiming to have seen some of the data collected by Anonymous activists. Also, after day #2 of the Anonymous-ISIS cyber-war, the hackers are claiming they have now taken down 5,500 pro-ISIS Twitter accounts.


Love Me A Little Louder

Love me a little louder

Some days are better than others.  That is God’s honest truth, whether you have bipolar disorder or are perfectly mentally healthy.  When I was in therapy with Goddess of Mindfulness (and sometimes QoB does this), it gets said that not all of the struggle in life is because of mental illness.  Some rough stuff is just life.  Life for me, you, the gal down the street, everyone.  Having bipolar disorder doesn’t mean that I hold the monopoly on psychic pain.  Psychic pain is a HUMAN thing.

I feel very fortunate in my life that I have a fairly large support system.  Of course, I have LarBear, but I also have my mom and her significant other, my dad and his significant other, my sister, and the Big Dawg.  Add to that, a smattering of specialists, doctors, therapists, the members of my DBT group, and other interested parties, and there is generally someone that I can turn to at some point in my day, if things are going astray.

My first choice, and this is increasingly true as time goes on, is to seek out LarBear.  He is the person who is always there, always has time (or makes time), and I count on for the majority of matters dealing with me being any sort of upset or sad or depressed or crying or anxious.  The main reason I do that, is because he is most available — we live together, and he knows my comings and goings and the details of our life better than anyone.

The next reason I do that, is because I feel like he really, really *gets* it.  We work hard on our relationship, and none of it is taken for granted.  We both come from pasts where we have been screwed around quite a bit, and we spend a great deal of time working on the relationship that we do have.  Things aren’t perfect, but we learn together and grow together and I can honestly say that every day, things get stronger and better between us…and that is only because we keep talking to each other and working to make things better.

Although I have been feeling better overall for the past while, I still have my ups and downs.  The lack of sunshine and the time change have really messed with my sleep, and the last few days of rain and gloom have not helped matters.  I have found myself feeling somewhat down, or at least until I can motivate to get up and do something and get out.

When I noticed this slight struggle within myself about a week ago, I immediately talked to LarBear about it.  Yes, I talked to some other people too, but more about technical things like whether or not to break out my sun lamp (ya, probably should!) and that sort of thing.  With LarBear, it was simple, and that is part of the beauty of LarBear, is that he does simple like no one else can.

He doesn’t lecture me and he doesn’t use the words shouldn’t and should.  At times he reminds me of a bright-eyed child, so trusting and open and unspoilt.  So when I tell LarBear that I’m having a hard time, he says to me that he will give me more hugs and kisses and any kind of help I need.  He said, we will get through this, we always do.  He says, we’re a team, we help each other.  He gives all of himself to me, and I have never, ever had that.

And then, he follows through on what he had said (which is all too uncommon in my world, it seems), and he does hug me and kiss me more, and check on me more, and go far out of his way to do sweet things for me (just because he can, I guess), and most importantly, he reminds me that I’m going to be ok, just being who I am.

We have been together slightly less than a year, but in many ways, I do get the feeling that I could spend the rest of my life with LarBear and be perfectly happy.  I think he gets that feeling, too.  We don’t dwell on it and we operate day by day, but when I’ve had a hard day, when things are rough, he does love me a little louder, without me even having to ask.  I don’t think there is anything better in the world, than that.


Filed under: Collection of Thoughts Tagged: affection, anxiety, Bipolar, bipolar disorder, boyfriend, depression, relationship, romance, SAD, sun lamp, time change