The weather and the song. (Love G N R but that song was overplayed to audio ipecac level.) As for the weather…It rained all day and night yesterday, it’s pouring cats, dogs, and octopi this morning. I love warm rain. Love the sound of it. Ice cold rain? Not so much. Not to mention the blowing wind and the hassle of getting drenched and having wet feet cos shoes aren’t water proof and the general ongoing gray gloom…If my mood wasn’t shitty to begin with, this knocks it down several pegs. Throw in the return of my child acting like a demon and me being irritable and anxious..
Last week’s respite has come to an abrupt end.
Part of me entertains going full blown Munchausen’s, not for attention, but because obviously, if I am so sick I calm down enough to not spaz out over every tiny thing…I just hate the being sick part. I’m a wuss that way. I like walks on the beach, moonlight, and poking dead things with sticks. I do not like puking, spewing, and praying for death. Cos then someone would poke me with a stick.
I showered yesterday for the first time in three, four days, IDK. I felt embarrassed and ashamed, seriously, hygiene is as basic as breathing but…My give a damn is beyond broken. The house has reached biohazard six now. I can’t catch up. And because I am so overwhelmed I don’t have the energy to even try so it piles up more. I do put the ass in procrass-tination.
Last night sucked. My kid was unleashed, screaming at me for every tiny thing. Talking calmly to her made it worse. So I either yell back (yeah, yeah, not cool,whatever) or I ignore her. The fits are made to get attention, denying it seems appropriate. She even hit me twice. I was depleted and defeated by 7 p.m. One more vote for Munchausen’s, at least when I am sick I don’t find it all so offensive. Of course, she had a good patch while I was at my worst so…Sigh. I may just have to accept that I am a shit mom. Life would be easier if I could accept my parenting ability as mediocre and just go with it. Super parent ain’t gonna happen even with me at my best. Which I am not right now. Not even close. I got a brief glimpse of stability last week, of not clawing at my own skin with anxiety, of not wanting to hide in the closet under a stack of blankets.
And that makes the fall into the abyss that much worse and maddening. Don’t give me quick picks then pull the rug out from under me. Just give me a baseline, even if it’s misery. Bobbleheading isn’t working for me.
My mood and anxiety worsened last night when R called and beckoned for today. He has like two things he needs me to do but told me “first thing in the morning.” I said “nine-ish.” He said, “Soon as possible.” Fuck that shit. Seven hours in the dish is too much for me, especially when all he wants is someone to keep him company. If I wanted to be a companion I’d be a high priced call girl, ffs. And of course he points out he doesn’t ask much of me and I benefit for just sitting around (today is for a Wednesday 13 back patch to go on my leather jacket) but maybe that’s the problem. If I am gonna be in the sucky dish, keep me too busy to think about the anxiety of being in the dish. And I don’t mean so busy I panic worse, just…Two things and you want me there all day, like maybe I didn’t have plans of my own. (Grocery day.) Let me drop everything cos you’re bored and lonely. (Think about that awesome patch, Niki, think about Wednesday….)
I find when my mood is this low being around others is a powder keg. By staying away I am really doing them a favor. Forcing me through guilt and obligation when it could damn well wait til my mood shifts…you deserve my bad attitude. I am quite content sitting home with Chaos purring on my shoulder and enjoying not having my kid screaming at me. I’ve done every discipline I can think of. And I am so sick of, “Let me have her for a few days, she won’t do that to me.” So easy to be arrogant when it’s not your kid and she doesn’t do it for others, just you. I am apparently the problem, me and my boundaries, sooo strict. More likely it was letting my mom babysit her daily for over a year. My mom gives zero discipline and thinks anyone who does is mean. This is what she taught my kid. I am so fucking screwed.
Least the razor blade gargling is gone. Not that I slept well, nope, I was up seven times during the night. That was with 9mg of melatonin. I am to the point of getting out the Trazadone. If only it didn’t come with the headache hangover and lethargy for ten hours after waking. Can’t you make a sleeping pill that works without the heinous side effects, big pharma?
Ok, I am gonna watch Blindspot, bask in the sound of purring kitten right next to my ear, then I will grace his highness with my presence. If he expects sunshine spewing he is in for an unpleasant surprise. I feel pretty damned surly. Stupid cold rain. Much as sunshine blinds me and heat kills me…The cold isn’t any better. No happy fucking medium for Morgue, nope. I am starting to feel like the princess and the pea, never content with anything. And it’s not for lack of desire or effort. Hard to fight the enemy that is your brain when it’s in control of your perception and reactions. I can only fight it so much…If I were victorious, I sure as hell wouldn’t shovel the pills.
For the record, anyone who believes depressed people choose to wallow and stay depressed…That is as fucking ignorant and asinine a thought as thinking someone would willing sticking their genitals into a fucking Cuisinart.
Thank pegacorn stupidity isn’t contagious. Or genetic.