Daily Archives: October 12, 2015

Event at Healthline.com in Philadelphia

HEALTHLINE ME2


Event at Healthline.com in Philadelphia

HEALTHLINE ME2


Sandstorm

Thousands of Needles

She was a young girl
Living in a company compound
The only barrier between her
And the vast Arabian desert
A chain link fence

One day after school
A haboob, a desert sandstorm
Swept in through that flimsy fence
Thousands of needles
Drove into the thin skin
Of her face, arms and legs

She was not dressed
For the desert
She was dressed
As an American girl
Of the 1960s
In a sleeveless mini dress

She was blinded by the storm
By the flying needles of sand
When she opened her eyes
They stabbed her
When she shut her eyes
The grit remained

She could not see
She was lost in the storm
She had no idea where to go
What to do
Aside from wait

Even as an adult
Her memory is of
Thousands of needles
Stabbing her
Blinding her
Leaving her lost

Not of how it ended
Not of how or when the storm ended
Not of how or when she got out of the storm


Filed under: Poetry Tagged: haboob, lost, memories, poem, sand storm, sandstorm

Amazng! Reconstruction and Simulation of Neocortical Microcircuitry (digitally building a slice of a rat neocortex)

FIGURE 1 Reconstruction Workflow v1

Digitally reconstructing a slice (just a slice) of the rat neocortex allowed these scientists to study many slices of neocortex (using supercomputers) under different conditions such as sleep and when the brain is under stress! Then they saw that changing just one parameter, such as Ca++ ion concentration, can change the state of the brain. Then they theorized what if, in illness, the brain is stuck is the “wrong” mode! For example, when the fight or flight response is initiated through adrenocorticotrophic hormone, how do tunnel vision and aggression occur as a result of that? This is AMAZING! And this could be a valuable, valuable tool in studying mental illness. Imagine if they took a slice of my brain and reconstructed it digitally, then even a comparison to someone’s brain who doesn’t have bipolar d/o (BPD) would be enormously valuable. Also studying how my neurons fire, what are the ionic levels, how do these differ than “normal” neurons? How can we treat my neurons to better resemble normal neurons? This is an AMAZING technology that has been developed! Please, someone, start studying BPD with this and who knows, a cure may be imminent! I know people say “the sky’s the limit” all the time, but in this case, the sky really is the limit, in fact beyond the sky is the limit! Genius work, hope it affords us some tangible help and treatment options, and soon!

Summary: Scientists digitally reconstructed a slice of juvenile rat brain. This digital slice has over 31,000 neurons, 55 layers of cells and 207 different neuron subtypes. They have discovered nearly 40 million synapses and over 2,000 connections between each brain cell type. Wow!

The scientists then used super computers to see how these virtual brain slices work during sleep or when under stress!  The principal scientist, Henry Markram said “It paves the way for predicting the location, numbers, and even the amount of ion currents flowing through all 40 million synapses.”

Once the reconstruction was complete, the investigators used powerful supercomputers to simulate the behavior of neurons under different conditions. Remarkably, the researchers found that, by slightly adjusting just one parameter, the level of calcium ions, they could produce broader patterns of circuit-level activity that could not be predicted based on features of the individual neurons. For instance, slow synchronous waves of neuronal activity, which have been observed in the brain during sleep, were triggered in their simulations, suggesting that neural circuits may be able to switch into different “states” that could underlie important behaviors.

“An analogy would be a computer processer that can reconfigure to focus on certain tasks,” Markram says. “The experiments suggest the existence of a spectrum of states, so this raises new types of questions, such as ‘what if you’re stuck in the wrong state?'” For instance, Markram suggests that the findings may open up new avenues for explaining how initiating the fight-or-flight response through the adrenocorticotropic hormone yields tunnel vision and aggression.

Article reference and part of article below: http://www.cell.com/cell/abstract/S0092-8674(15)01191-5?_returnURL=http%3A%2F%2Flinkinghub.elsevier.com%2Fretrieve%2Fpii%2FS0092867415011915%3Fshowall%3Dtrue

Reconstruction and Simulation of Neocortical Microcircuitry Introduction

Since Santiago Ramón y Cajal’s seminal work on the neocortex (DeFelipe and Jones, 1988, Ramón y Cajal, 1909, 1911), a vast number of studies have attempted to unravel its multiple levels of anatomical organization (types of neurons, synaptic connections, layering, afferent and efferent projections within and between neocortical regions, etc.) and functional properties (neuronal response characteristics, synaptic responses and plasticity, receptive fields, functional neocortical columns, emergent activity maps, interactions between neocortical regions, etc.). However, there are still large gaps in our knowledge, especially concerning the anatomical and physiological organization of the neocortex at the cellular and synaptic levels.

Specifically, while neurons have been classified in terms of their electrophysiological behaviors (Connors and Gutnick, 1990, Kasper et al., 1994,McCormick et al., 1985), expression of different calcium-binding proteins and neuropeptides (Celio, 1986, DeFelipe, 1993, Gonchar and Burkhalter, 1997,Kawaguchi and Kubota, 1997, Toledo-Rodriguez et al., 2005) and morphological features (Kisvárday et al., 1985, Larkman, 1991a, Tamás et al., 1998, Wang et al., 2002), there is still no consensus on an objective and comprehensive classification of neuron types. Although the distribution of protein and genetic markers for different neurons (Grange et al., 2014, Hendry et al., 1989,Kawaguchi and Kubota, 1997, Meyer et al., 2002, Toledo-Rodriguez et al., 2004) and the relative proportions of some morphologically and electrically classified neurons (Beaulieu and Colonnier, 1983, Cauli et al., 1997, Hendry et al., 1984,Meyer et al., 2010a, Rudy et al., 2011) have been described, we lack a comprehensive view of the number of each type of neuron in each layer. Since the advent of paired recording techniques, several studies have characterized the anatomical and physiological properties of synaptic connections between some types of neurons (Cobb et al., 1997, Feldmeyer et al., 1999, Frick et al., 2008,Gupta et al., 2000, Mason et al., 1991, Reyes et al., 1998, Thomson et al., 1993), but a large proportion have yet to be studied. Although labeling with retrograde and anterograde tracers and trans-synaptic viral vectors, imaging with array tomography, and saturated reconstruction with electron microscopy have made it possible to begin mapping pre- and postsynaptic neurons for individual neocortical neurons (Boyd and Matsubara, 1991, Callaway, 2008, Glenn et al., 1982, Kasthuri et al., 2015, Killackey et al., 1983, Micheva and Smith, 2007,Micheva et al., 2010, Wickersham et al., 2007), we know neither the numbers and types of the pre- and postsynaptic neurons associated with any specific neuron type nor the numbers and locations of the synapses that they form with their immediate neighbors.

At a functional level, there have been many investigations of emergent behavior in neocortical slices (Cunningham et al., 2004, Mao et al., 2001, McCormick et al., 2003, Sanchez-Vives and McCormick, 2000, Yuste et al., 1997), correlated activity (Hasenstaub et al., 2005, Livingstone, 1996, Salinas and Sejnowski, 2001, Shu et al., 2003, Silberberg et al., 2004, Singer, 1993), and the functional impact of individual neurons across cortical layers (Sakata and Harris, 2009,Schroeder and Foxe, 2002, Silva et al., 1991, Steriade et al., 1993), as well as in vivo activity in somatosensory and other cortical areas (Chen et al., 2015,Klausberger et al., 2003, Leinekugel et al., 2002, Luczak et al., 2007, Reyes-Puerta et al., 2015, Wilson et al., 2012), However, we still lack an understanding of the cellular and synaptic mechanisms and the role of the different layers in the simplest of behaviors, such as correlated and uncorrelated single-neuron activity and, more generally, synchronous and asynchronous population activity. For example, it is known that different types of neurons are connected through synapses with different dynamics and strengths, strategically positioned at different locations on the neurons’ dendrites, somata, and axons, but the functional significance of this organization remains unclear. Computational approaches that abstract away this level of biological detail have not been able to explain the functional significance of such intricate cellular and synaptic organization. Although future experimental research will undoubtedly advance our knowledge, it is debatable whether experimental mapping alone can provide enough data to answer these questions.

Here, we present a complementary algorithmic approach that reconstructs neuronal microcircuitry across all layers using available sparse data and that leverages biological principles and interdependencies between datasets to predict missing biological data. As a test case, we digitally reconstructed a small volume of tissue from layers 1 to 6 of the hind-limb somatosensory cortex of 2-week-old Wistar (Han) rat. This model system was chosen not only because it is one of the most comprehensively characterized in the neocortex, but also because experimental data on its cellular and synaptic organization are readily available and validation experiments are relatively easy to perform. In brief, we recorded and digitally reconstructed neurons from in vitro brain slices and classified the neurons in terms of well-established morphological types (m-types;Figure 1A), positioned the neurons in a digital volume of objectively defined dimensions according to experimentally based estimates of their layer specific densities (Figure 1B), and reconstructed the connectivity between the neurons (Figure 1C). Neurons were then classified into electrical types (e-types), using an extended version of the classification proposed in the Petilla convention (Ascoli et al., 2008), and models were produced that captured the characteristic electrical behavior of each type. (Figure 1D); similarly, synapses were modeled to capture the characteristic synaptic dynamics and kinetics of particular synapse types (s-types; Figure 1E). Finally, we constructed a virtual slice and reconstructed thalamic input using experimental data (Figure 1F; Meyer et al., 2010b).

This approach yielded a first-draft digital reconstruction of the microcircuitry, which was validated against a multitude of experimental datasets not used in the reconstruction. The results suggest that it is possible to obtain dense maps of neural microcircuitry without measuring every conceivable biological parameter and point to minimal datasets required, i.e., strategic data. Integrating complementary, albeit sparse, datasets also makes it possible to reconcile discrepancies in the literature, at least partially addressing the problem of data quality and reproducibility. Simulations exploring some of the emergent behaviors of the reconstructed microcircuitry reproduce a number of previous in vitro and in vivo findings and provide insights into the design and functioning of neocortical microcircuitry. The experimental data, the digital reconstruction, and the simulation results are available at the Neocortical Microcircuit Collaboration Portal (NMC Portal; https://bbp.epfl.ch/nmc-portal; see Ramaswamy et al., 2015).


Amazng! Reconstruction and Simulation of Neocortical Microcircuitry (digitally building a slice of a rat neocortex)

FIGURE 1 Reconstruction Workflow v1

Digitally reconstructing a slice (just a slice) of the rat neocortex allowed these scientists to study many slices of neocortex (using supercomputers) under different conditions such as sleep and when the brain is under stress! Then they saw that changing just one parameter, such as Ca++ ion concentration, can change the state of the brain. Then they theorized what if, in illness, the brain is stuck is the “wrong” mode! For example, when the fight or flight response is initiated through adrenocorticotrophic hormone, how do tunnel vision and aggression occur as a result of that? This is AMAZING! And this could be a valuable, valuable tool in studying mental illness. Imagine if they took a slice of my brain and reconstructed it digitally, then even a comparison to someone’s brain who doesn’t have bipolar d/o (BPD) would be enormously valuable. Also studying how my neurons fire, what are the ionic levels, how do these differ than “normal” neurons? How can we treat my neurons to better resemble normal neurons? This is an AMAZING technology that has been developed! Please, someone, start studying BPD with this and who knows, a cure may be imminent! I know people say “the sky’s the limit” all the time, but in this case, the sky really is the limit, in fact beyond the sky is the limit! Genius work, hope it affords us some tangible help and treatment options, and soon!

Summary: Scientists digitally reconstructed a slice of juvenile rat brain. This digital slice has over 31,000 neurons, 55 layers of cells and 207 different neuron subtypes. They have discovered nearly 40 million synapses and over 2,000 connections between each brain cell type. Wow!

The scientists then used super computers to see how these virtual brain slices work during sleep or when under stress!  The principal scientist, Henry Markram said “It paves the way for predicting the location, numbers, and even the amount of ion currents flowing through all 40 million synapses.”

Once the reconstruction was complete, the investigators used powerful supercomputers to simulate the behavior of neurons under different conditions. Remarkably, the researchers found that, by slightly adjusting just one parameter, the level of calcium ions, they could produce broader patterns of circuit-level activity that could not be predicted based on features of the individual neurons. For instance, slow synchronous waves of neuronal activity, which have been observed in the brain during sleep, were triggered in their simulations, suggesting that neural circuits may be able to switch into different “states” that could underlie important behaviors.

“An analogy would be a computer processer that can reconfigure to focus on certain tasks,” Markram says. “The experiments suggest the existence of a spectrum of states, so this raises new types of questions, such as ‘what if you’re stuck in the wrong state?'” For instance, Markram suggests that the findings may open up new avenues for explaining how initiating the fight-or-flight response through the adrenocorticotropic hormone yields tunnel vision and aggression.

Article reference and part of article below: http://www.cell.com/cell/abstract/S0092-8674(15)01191-5?_returnURL=http%3A%2F%2Flinkinghub.elsevier.com%2Fretrieve%2Fpii%2FS0092867415011915%3Fshowall%3Dtrue

Reconstruction and Simulation of Neocortical Microcircuitry Introduction

Since Santiago Ramón y Cajal’s seminal work on the neocortex (DeFelipe and Jones, 1988, Ramón y Cajal, 1909, 1911), a vast number of studies have attempted to unravel its multiple levels of anatomical organization (types of neurons, synaptic connections, layering, afferent and efferent projections within and between neocortical regions, etc.) and functional properties (neuronal response characteristics, synaptic responses and plasticity, receptive fields, functional neocortical columns, emergent activity maps, interactions between neocortical regions, etc.). However, there are still large gaps in our knowledge, especially concerning the anatomical and physiological organization of the neocortex at the cellular and synaptic levels.

Specifically, while neurons have been classified in terms of their electrophysiological behaviors (Connors and Gutnick, 1990, Kasper et al., 1994,McCormick et al., 1985), expression of different calcium-binding proteins and neuropeptides (Celio, 1986, DeFelipe, 1993, Gonchar and Burkhalter, 1997,Kawaguchi and Kubota, 1997, Toledo-Rodriguez et al., 2005) and morphological features (Kisvárday et al., 1985, Larkman, 1991a, Tamás et al., 1998, Wang et al., 2002), there is still no consensus on an objective and comprehensive classification of neuron types. Although the distribution of protein and genetic markers for different neurons (Grange et al., 2014, Hendry et al., 1989,Kawaguchi and Kubota, 1997, Meyer et al., 2002, Toledo-Rodriguez et al., 2004) and the relative proportions of some morphologically and electrically classified neurons (Beaulieu and Colonnier, 1983, Cauli et al., 1997, Hendry et al., 1984,Meyer et al., 2010a, Rudy et al., 2011) have been described, we lack a comprehensive view of the number of each type of neuron in each layer. Since the advent of paired recording techniques, several studies have characterized the anatomical and physiological properties of synaptic connections between some types of neurons (Cobb et al., 1997, Feldmeyer et al., 1999, Frick et al., 2008,Gupta et al., 2000, Mason et al., 1991, Reyes et al., 1998, Thomson et al., 1993), but a large proportion have yet to be studied. Although labeling with retrograde and anterograde tracers and trans-synaptic viral vectors, imaging with array tomography, and saturated reconstruction with electron microscopy have made it possible to begin mapping pre- and postsynaptic neurons for individual neocortical neurons (Boyd and Matsubara, 1991, Callaway, 2008, Glenn et al., 1982, Kasthuri et al., 2015, Killackey et al., 1983, Micheva and Smith, 2007,Micheva et al., 2010, Wickersham et al., 2007), we know neither the numbers and types of the pre- and postsynaptic neurons associated with any specific neuron type nor the numbers and locations of the synapses that they form with their immediate neighbors.

At a functional level, there have been many investigations of emergent behavior in neocortical slices (Cunningham et al., 2004, Mao et al., 2001, McCormick et al., 2003, Sanchez-Vives and McCormick, 2000, Yuste et al., 1997), correlated activity (Hasenstaub et al., 2005, Livingstone, 1996, Salinas and Sejnowski, 2001, Shu et al., 2003, Silberberg et al., 2004, Singer, 1993), and the functional impact of individual neurons across cortical layers (Sakata and Harris, 2009,Schroeder and Foxe, 2002, Silva et al., 1991, Steriade et al., 1993), as well as in vivo activity in somatosensory and other cortical areas (Chen et al., 2015,Klausberger et al., 2003, Leinekugel et al., 2002, Luczak et al., 2007, Reyes-Puerta et al., 2015, Wilson et al., 2012), However, we still lack an understanding of the cellular and synaptic mechanisms and the role of the different layers in the simplest of behaviors, such as correlated and uncorrelated single-neuron activity and, more generally, synchronous and asynchronous population activity. For example, it is known that different types of neurons are connected through synapses with different dynamics and strengths, strategically positioned at different locations on the neurons’ dendrites, somata, and axons, but the functional significance of this organization remains unclear. Computational approaches that abstract away this level of biological detail have not been able to explain the functional significance of such intricate cellular and synaptic organization. Although future experimental research will undoubtedly advance our knowledge, it is debatable whether experimental mapping alone can provide enough data to answer these questions.

Here, we present a complementary algorithmic approach that reconstructs neuronal microcircuitry across all layers using available sparse data and that leverages biological principles and interdependencies between datasets to predict missing biological data. As a test case, we digitally reconstructed a small volume of tissue from layers 1 to 6 of the hind-limb somatosensory cortex of 2-week-old Wistar (Han) rat. This model system was chosen not only because it is one of the most comprehensively characterized in the neocortex, but also because experimental data on its cellular and synaptic organization are readily available and validation experiments are relatively easy to perform. In brief, we recorded and digitally reconstructed neurons from in vitro brain slices and classified the neurons in terms of well-established morphological types (m-types;Figure 1A), positioned the neurons in a digital volume of objectively defined dimensions according to experimentally based estimates of their layer specific densities (Figure 1B), and reconstructed the connectivity between the neurons (Figure 1C). Neurons were then classified into electrical types (e-types), using an extended version of the classification proposed in the Petilla convention (Ascoli et al., 2008), and models were produced that captured the characteristic electrical behavior of each type. (Figure 1D); similarly, synapses were modeled to capture the characteristic synaptic dynamics and kinetics of particular synapse types (s-types; Figure 1E). Finally, we constructed a virtual slice and reconstructed thalamic input using experimental data (Figure 1F; Meyer et al., 2010b).

This approach yielded a first-draft digital reconstruction of the microcircuitry, which was validated against a multitude of experimental datasets not used in the reconstruction. The results suggest that it is possible to obtain dense maps of neural microcircuitry without measuring every conceivable biological parameter and point to minimal datasets required, i.e., strategic data. Integrating complementary, albeit sparse, datasets also makes it possible to reconcile discrepancies in the literature, at least partially addressing the problem of data quality and reproducibility. Simulations exploring some of the emergent behaviors of the reconstructed microcircuitry reproduce a number of previous in vitro and in vivo findings and provide insights into the design and functioning of neocortical microcircuitry. The experimental data, the digital reconstruction, and the simulation results are available at the Neocortical Microcircuit Collaboration Portal (NMC Portal; https://bbp.epfl.ch/nmc-portal; see Ramaswamy et al., 2015).


A Big Eff Off

So my psychiatrist also said trying to get my insurance company to cover Ablliify was useless.,  He said he had been down in meetings at their office representing AMerican Psychiatric Association  and the MS Psychiatric Association and the insurance company would not budge on funding that drug.  So we are going to try Geodon.  He told me side effects to watch out for and then added that they were rare after scaring me to death.  So I don’t really know what to think.  I don’t want to be trying a new drug and go off to my school next week and have an episode.  I’m just going to put my head down and do the best I can with it.

SO that was my morning.  THis afternoon I’v ebeen doing schoolwork and trying to prepare the house for me to be gone for a week.  I’m going through the laundry and sorting out clothes I need to pack and all for the trip.    We have two formal functions, a dinner at  a professor’s house and a gala dinner with PJ O’Rourke, the political satirist.  I’m looking forward to that a lot. I love his books. So that will be cool as well as meeting all theses other authors as well that are featured at the symposium.

So say some prayers for me changing drugs and getting ready for classes.  I plan to post the week I’m gone so you’ll learn more about how I’m doing in my classes and all.  Hope everyone has a good week!


A Big Eff Off

So my psychiatrist also said trying to get my insurance company to cover Ablliify was useless.,  He said he had been down in meetings at their office representing AMerican Psychiatric Association  and the MS Psychiatric Association and the insurance company would not budge on funding that drug.  So we are going to try Geodon.  He told me side effects to watch out for and then added that they were rare after scaring me to death.  So I don’t really know what to think.  I don’t want to be trying a new drug and go off to my school next week and have an episode.  I’m just going to put my head down and do the best I can with it.

SO that was my morning.  THis afternoon I’v ebeen doing schoolwork and trying to prepare the house for me to be gone for a week.  I’m going through the laundry and sorting out clothes I need to pack and all for the trip.    We have two formal functions, a dinner at  a professor’s house and a gala dinner with PJ O’Rourke, the political satirist.  I’m looking forward to that a lot. I love his books. So that will be cool as well as meeting all theses other authors as well that are featured at the symposium.

So say some prayers for me changing drugs and getting ready for classes.  I plan to post the week I’m gone so you’ll learn more about how I’m doing in my classes and all.  Hope everyone has a good week!


Bipolar,Depression, And Friendships

I have reached that point again, the place where I can’t honestly discern if my desire to pull away from people, aka friends, is a byproduct of the depression or if I have truly been pushed too far and taken for granted beyond the point of no return. I do not live to invalidate myself, yet with bipolar, it is a feasible concern. Depression demands that I pull away, secret myself in my bedroom crypt, trying to find some measure of calm that will enable me to have the strength to survive another six months down the rabbit hole. It’s made even tougher this year as out of ten months, I spent maybe five weeks in a place somewhat “stable” so I didn’t really get to recharge. I feel raw and exhausted, like going into battle on no sleep, no nourishment,and with a broken unhealed body.

Logic would dictate this is exactly when one needs friends the most.

But considering how unsupportive my so called friends are…It’s not a comfort. It’s actually runs the risk of making things worse because of their “snap out of it” apathy.

My tempestuous nature screams for me to take a chainsaw to those ties. Cut them  now and make sure there’s no string left that could even be jury rigged into a tether.

Having been at this bipolar shit for so long, I’ve also grown cautious to my own self destructive mood related whims.

Which has me asking…What am I really feeling here?

Truth be told, I’ve not heard a word from R since last Wednesday (he didn’t even reply to the text I sent him) so I’ve had a five day break. I should relish it, should be revived by it. Instead it boils under my skin like corrosive acid, for this is the cycle our “friendship” runs. He uses me relentlessly when he has no one better to use, then abruptly will go a week or so without so much as a text, or reply to one I’ve sent. And every time it’s, “I was busy” or some other lame bullshit excuse. Meanwhile, I am treated like I am being paid to be on standby and break my neck jumping to attention when the others are too busy to do his bidding.

I might venture to say this is some sort of bipolar distortion, were it not for the fact that others in proximity have noticed that is exactly how he does me and it’s pretty fucking shitty. Not my idea of a good friendship.

It is, however, nothing new. And while I appreciate the break, I do not like feeling shunned, especially what with him bringing in Goth Girl when I’ve busted my ass for four years doing work related shit under the guise of “paying back” a friend for car repairs and shit. I think it’s pretty low of him to do me this way. Again. Despite his reassurances that his daughter is paying for the Goth Girl’s time there and it’s no threat to our arrangement…He’s spineless and lies rather than cause problems by telling the truth so I have a hard time trusting a word he says.

That should spell out everything I need to make a decision, right?

Were it so easy.

No, having been given up on and discarded my whole life for my quirks…I am loathe to be one of those types. I’m not a weakling, I can handle getting my feelings hurt, and there will be a tirade or two coming his way…I just can’t abide treating someone in a shabby way that I myself have been treated. None of us are perfect.

I can’t shake the resentment I am made to feel by being accused of being too demanding and needy simply because I want a modicum of respect and consideration from this man. Besides, which…Until I win the lottery, I NEED my mechanic, especially since my kid can’t take the bus to school.

It seems a shallow concern for all my complaining and yet, it’s valid. Also valid is my growing disgust with all that I must put up with in the name of survival. Things that make my self esteem lower, my depression deeper, my anxiety higher. Survival is a war game for me and I’ve collected so much shrapnel at this point to my psyche…I’d wave that white flag in a heartbeat if I weren’t so damned stubborn.

I read my horrorscope today which confirmed I do need a change in my life, but I need to think it over before doing anything rash. Not that I believe in that shit, it’s cheesy entertainment from my mom’s scandal rags when I was a kid…Still…It gives me pause. Am I being unreasonable? Is the depression making a mountain out of a molehill?

Or is it just that once again, he has taken me for granted after a decent run of ya know, not doing so. Maybe it’s time for a reminder, a reboot. I can try to talk to him, though it is pointless. So maybe who I need to talk to in order to gain some perspective is Mrs. R. She won’t choose sides, but she is all too aware of how shitty he can be to me and if nothing else…she could help me sort whether I am being logical or illogical.

Friendships are just too hard for me. They always have been.And while this is viewed as some character flaw, I simply don’t agree. I am so content on my own, seeking company when it suits me, staying to myself when it doesn’t. I keep trying to assimilate “for my own good”, like with the bright sunlight therapy in my living room which makes me want to gouge my eyeballs out. I am not assimilating to invalidate myself. I hate sunlight, period. I don’t like to socialize, period.

What I am attempting to do, rather than change who I am for others, is to ensure that I am using all positive methods at my disposal that could possibly help make my life easier and the depressions less crippling.

I am at this point calling it an epic fail. Of course, that could be the depression tainting everything. Even my earlier excitement for Halloween has hit the wall, for it all seems pointless and dark and nothing matters.

But obviously something matters or this deal with R wouldn’t have me bent. And it always makes me bent. Which means it has to just be me, right?

No. I am difficult but I am never so thoughtless as he is. He’s rude. He may just be busy but it doesn’t entitle him to be a tyrant over me. Of course, my depression doesn’t entitle me to take all my dark feelings of despair out on others.

Clusterfucked.

I think fiction soup for the soul is in order. If I am watching someone else’s drama, I am getting a break from my own.

Stupid llamas and their dramas.


Metamorphosis Mondays Blahpolar Q&A: All Things Death

Originally posted on my spanglish familia:
Welcome to Metamorphosis Mondays where the words gathered here on the screen are about change; coming of age; a ripening of sorts; choices—tall and small; decay and grief; life’s shiny successes & crushing disappointments; and everything in between.   If you have a story about your own metamorphosis(es) and would…

Metamorphosis Mondays Blahpolar Q&A: All Things Death

Originally posted on my spanglish familia:
Welcome to Metamorphosis Mondays where the words gathered here on the screen are about change; coming of age; a ripening of sorts; choices—tall and small; decay and grief; life’s shiny successes & crushing disappointments; and everything in between.   If you have a story about your own metamorphosis(es) and would…