Daily Archives: October 7, 2015

Am I Evil?

I get the impression that a few people in my life, very few, have changed their disposition towards me since...

Blessed Day

Another blessedly normal day around here. I finally attacked my laundry room and got it cleaned up of current laundry and can start washing everything on schedule again.  Typed up a blog post for “Defying Shadows” and got that turned in, Met MJ for lunch and had a good visit–she wanted to know all about my upcoming trip to school and what all my kids were up to.  So we had a good talk.  Came back and worked on folding laundry some more and got a lot done.  SO I feel good about myself and about the day.

My post about “Defying Shadows” was about what I’m thankful for. I listed out a lot of things and you can check it out at http://www.defyingshadows.com. tomorrow.  Hopefully it will go over well.

Hope everyone has a good rest of the week.  Have fun!


Don’t believe the lies bipolar d/o tells you!

IMG_7799

When you are in a manic phase, skimming the world of what’s real and what’s not, your ill mind will tell you how special you are! Don’t believe it, you are not special because you can do what other people need LSD to do, you are sick, and in this state, you don’t have control of your mind. And that is not special, that is sick and scary.

When you are in a manic phase, your ill mind will tell you you are a genius! Look at all these brilliant ideas you are generating! Any one of them may very well save humanity from extinction and all of them are worthy of a nobel prize! Don’t listen to this! Yes you are getting a lot of ideas, some of them may actually be interesting, but they are only ideas, and require years of work to prove or implement. For example, I had the “brilliant” idea that mental illness was autoimmune in my manic phase in 2008. I wrote books and books about my theory, also weaving yoga ideas and psychoneuroimmunology precepts as well straight immunology. I still have pictures of those books, because I was so paranoid at that late stage of mania, that I thought my husband would steal my (groan) brilliant ideas and steal my nobel prize from me! Taking deep breaths as I write this… So I took pictures of the pages of the books and downloaded them into iphoto, kind of James Bondish… hahaha  Haven’t really looked at all those pages since that manic time, but I’m sure if I did, they will be all over town, making sweeping statements, connecting things that possibly have no connection… hell i should take a look at them jsut for fun. Of course other people have had the same idea, that mental illness is autoimmune, there certainly are autoimmune illnesses associated with mental illness, like rheumatoid arthritis, Hashimoto’s thyroiditis and others. There certainly is cell death in the brain thereby enlarging the ventricles, this is seen in schizophrenia and in bipolar d/o. This cell death could be a result of our immune cells killing our neurons… this would require many years of experimentation and documentation, not something you can do in a manic phase. Ok, I’ll grant you, one may get brilliant ideas in mania, yes it can happen, but mostly what you get is flight of ideas, flitting from thought to thought and you also get delusions of grandeur, which make it seem all your thoughts are brilliant. But they’re not. If you are intelligent before mania, you do not become a genius when you are in mania, it just seems like it, haha.

When you are in a severe depression, your ill mind will tell you you’re not worth anything, don’t believe it. You are worth a LOT! Your mind is just sick at the moment and feeling bad, don’t believe anything it says, don’t believe it if it tells you to do away with yourself. Do not! You are valuable, you are beloved, you are loving. Depression or the depressed phase of bipolar is just an illness, this phase tells you lies too. Don’t believe them. Believe what your loved ones are telling you, believe what your doctor is telling you, have faith in your medication. It will work and you will come out of this awful downturn.

Don’t believe anything bipolar disorder tells you. Take your meds and be well.

Please contribute your stories in the comments section. Thank you.


The Usual Life

 

sheets

I chose this title and image because it reminds me of life when I lived with Grandma. Yes, we washed sheets every week. (When I was very little, this was with a wringer washer!) Then we hung them out to dry. That was the usual life. Or at least the life of a child as I knew. Who knew what else went on in those days?

So I thought since nothing is going on bipolar wise, I’d tell you how my kids are doing. They’re all at a good crossroad and things seem calm…today, anyway.

Rachel is still teaching cross-categorical special ed. If you don’t know what that means, don’t feel bad. It’s a group of first graders with severe (I mean severe) behavioral problems. Most of them are bright enough, but have behaviors like flipping over tables, biting, cussing at the top of their voices, and just plain hauling off and hitting someone. This class is run by the school district and buses kids in from all around the district who qualify. These kids actually have to have a “safety” harness to ride the bus. If the kid is too “bad” to cut it in my daughter’s room, they have to go to a private special school. The district must pay for this so they do all they can to keep them in Rachel’s room. She has three aides and herself for 11 kids. (Ten boys and one girl…interesting, huh?)

Other than that Rachel is exhausted, she has a cold and a bad sore throat. (They thought it was strep but it isn’t.) She’s also looking around for someone to date, but can’t find the right guy. Some of her dating stories are pretty funny. But we always tell her not to rush it. After all, you have plenty of time to repent a hasty marriage.

David, my middle one, is my easiest and doing just fine. He moved about 40 minutes away because his best friend bought a house and they wanted to move in together. The friend’s girlfriend also moved in, but David doesn’t seem to care. David is over at least twice a week, so I still see him a lot. But as the other two live at home, it’s never enough. No girlfriend for him either but he does have a cat. At 24, I think he’s okay to be solo. David is graduating with a degree in Communications from the state university in December. Then he says he is ready to get a “real” job. I just hope he can find one.

Danny, the youngest just found out he is eligible to walk the graduation line at the community college he has been attending. The purpose of his attendance there was to get his lower level courses out of the way so he could go on the to university. (He’s planning on doing this in January). But the courses he’s taken have given him enough to graduate.

Now David hates the whole cap and gown thing but Danny was enthusiastic. I am excited too. A mom can’t see a kid walk across the stage too many times.

Danny also likes to make music on the computer, play board and video games, and hang out with his friends. He has a good life this semester. I think he’ll get a rude awakening at the university next year.

I have been living better due to OA. I am nicer to people, quick to apologize when needed, and more honest. I don’t think I was a “bad” person before, but working the 12 steps has definitely helped. It’s also had a good affect on my spiritual life. I study my devotionals with more enthusiasm and my prayer life is better. I keep a list of things that need to be prayed for and go over them every day.

My dachshund Sophie has decided she is going to be overweight and not walk it off. She went to the end of the driveway last night and sat down. My husband had to carry her back. I know how she feels.

I haven’t lost any weight but I haven’t gained any. And I’ve been eating like a horse. This morning I had a headache at 3 so I got up and had a bowl of cereal. It helped. I truly feel hungry a lot…not just like I sort of could eat but really hungry. I really think it is that Abilify.

My new quilt class starts next Wednesday. We’re making a crib sized quilt. HEY! I found out something neat. My quilting group makes charity quilts for ICU babies and hospice patients. That is something I could help with and contribute to society with. I still need to get better at quilting, but I’m not far off to be able to help.

ALSO BIG NEWS: I met this woman at a sewing class who has FOUR sewing machines. She is looking to get rid of one and wants to “pay it forward”. She paid $200 from some woman who upgraded her own machine. She’s looking to sell. This thing has all the bells and whistles. She’s going to get it from her cabin, loan it to me and see if I like sewing on it. If I do, then we’ll work out a price.

My husband and I are going down today to the attorney and fix up our will and trust. We last did it in 1999, so it is time. The kids are all grown up now, so we need to make some changes. And with all the driving around we did last summer, it’s sure possible we’d both be offed at once. A nice thought.

I think I am drifting away from my best friend. She doesn’t think so is my guess, but she’s got a lot going on. She is editing what I think is her first novel even though she’s written other things. But when I feel down, like I did the other day, I usually call someone else. This is so sad to me because I used to tell her everything and more. I know friends drift away. I know that. But I really thought we’d have one of those total life friendships. We have just been through so much together.

The good news is I do have other friends. And I think I told what one said the other day when I was down. “I am here for you. I want to listen. Do you need me to come over? How can I help?”

Those are pretty simple words but they make all the difference.

love to you all,

lily

The Usual Life

 

sheets

I chose this title and image because it reminds me of life when I lived with Grandma. Yes, we washed sheets every week. (When I was very little, this was with a wringer washer!) Then we hung them out to dry. That was the usual life. Or at least the life of a child as I knew. Who knew what else went on in those days?

So I thought since nothing is going on bipolar wise, I’d tell you how my kids are doing. They’re all at a good crossroad and things seem calm…today, anyway.

Rachel is still teaching cross-categorical special ed. If you don’t know what that means, don’t feel bad. It’s a group of first graders with severe (I mean severe) behavioral problems. Most of them are bright enough, but have behaviors like flipping over tables, biting, cussing at the top of their voices, and just plain hauling off and hitting someone. This class is run by the school district and buses kids in from all around the district who qualify. These kids actually have to have a “safety” harness to ride the bus. If the kid is too “bad” to cut it in my daughter’s room, they have to go to a private special school. The district must pay for this so they do all they can to keep them in Rachel’s room. She has three aides and herself for 11 kids. (Ten boys and one girl…interesting, huh?)

Other than that Rachel is exhausted, she has a cold and a bad sore throat. (They thought it was strep but it isn’t.) She’s also looking around for someone to date, but can’t find the right guy. Some of her dating stories are pretty funny. But we always tell her not to rush it. After all, you have plenty of time to repent a hasty marriage.

David, my middle one, is my easiest and doing just fine. He moved about 40 minutes away because his best friend bought a house and they wanted to move in together. The friend’s girlfriend also moved in, but David doesn’t seem to care. David is over at least twice a week, so I still see him a lot. But as the other two live at home, it’s never enough. No girlfriend for him either but he does have a cat. At 24, I think he’s okay to be solo. David is graduating with a degree in Communications from the state university in December. Then he says he is ready to get a “real” job. I just hope he can find one.

Danny, the youngest just found out he is eligible to walk the graduation line at the community college he has been attending. The purpose of his attendance there was to get his lower level courses out of the way so he could go on the to university. (He’s planning on doing this in January). But the courses he’s taken have given him enough to graduate.

Now David hates the whole cap and gown thing but Danny was enthusiastic. I am excited too. A mom can’t see a kid walk across the stage too many times.

Danny also likes to make music on the computer, play board and video games, and hang out with his friends. He has a good life this semester. I think he’ll get a rude awakening at the university next year.

I have been living better due to OA. I am nicer to people, quick to apologize when needed, and more honest. I don’t think I was a “bad” person before, but working the 12 steps has definitely helped. It’s also had a good affect on my spiritual life. I study my devotionals with more enthusiasm and my prayer life is better. I keep a list of things that need to be prayed for and go over them every day.

My dachshund Sophie has decided she is going to be overweight and not walk it off. She went to the end of the driveway last night and sat down. My husband had to carry her back. I know how she feels.

I haven’t lost any weight but I haven’t gained any. And I’ve been eating like a horse. This morning I had a headache at 3 so I got up and had a bowl of cereal. It helped. I truly feel hungry a lot…not just like I sort of could eat but really hungry. I really think it is that Abilify.

My new quilt class starts next Wednesday. We’re making a crib sized quilt. HEY! I found out something neat. My quilting group makes charity quilts for ICU babies and hospice patients. That is something I could help with and contribute to society with. I still need to get better at quilting, but I’m not far off to be able to help.

ALSO BIG NEWS: I met this woman at a sewing class who has FOUR sewing machines. She is looking to get rid of one and wants to “pay it forward”. She paid $200 from some woman who upgraded her own machine. She’s looking to sell. This thing has all the bells and whistles. She’s going to get it from her cabin, loan it to me and see if I like sewing on it. If I do, then we’ll work out a price.

My husband and I are going down today to the attorney and fix up our will and trust. We last did it in 1999, so it is time. The kids are all grown up now, so we need to make some changes. And with all the driving around we did last summer, it’s sure possible we’d both be offed at once. A nice thought.

I think I am drifting away from my best friend. She doesn’t think so is my guess, but she’s got a lot going on. She is editing what I think is her first novel even though she’s written other things. But when I feel down, like I did the other day, I usually call someone else. This is so sad to me because I used to tell her everything and more. I know friends drift away. I know that. But I really thought we’d have one of those total life friendships. We have just been through so much together.

The good news is I do have other friends. And I think I told what one said the other day when I was down. “I am here for you. I want to listen. Do you need me to come over? How can I help?”

Those are pretty simple words but they make all the difference.

love to you all,

lily

The Unfriending – October Update

A couple days ago I had an experience that completely unnerved me. Someone with whom I had an intense virtual friendship with, but had never met in person, unfriended me on Facebook with no warning. I was surprised at my reaction.  The abruptness of her unfriending stirred up deep feelings of rejection and insecurity within … Continue reading The Unfriending – October Update

Funniness From The Way Back Machine

Oh! Oh my!  This one is a side-splitter!!  That Bipolaronfire sure is one hell of a smart ass!!  It’s good to see that two and a half years ago, just out of the looney bin, I was kicking ass and taking names.  It’s always important to keep those “Mental Health Professionals” on their toes.  Let’s make this a great day, people!  Go for the belly laugh.


Filed under: Bipolar Humor, Bipolar is sour, Bipolar is sweet, Psychology Tagged: Bipolar, Hope, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

“Stop All the Clocks”: National Poetry Day

Overthinking in Bradford: photo by K. Hartley

Overthinking in Bradford: photo by K. Hartley

I don’t always lose it in autumn, but when I do, it can be messy: that first admission, for clinical depression; the second, when I first went manic. This year, though, it’s less SAD, than SID (Seasonal Intermittent Despair).

I can cope with cold, provided I wrap up well, but have a problem with light. And the latter just happens to be the subject of Thursday’s (8th October) National Poetry Day.

Leaving a house filled with candle, fairy, and energy saving light for the darkness of night is a real struggle at the moment. I don’t know why it’s worse this year. It’s complicated given I work shifts, am bipolar, and tend toward depression more than mania. For several weeks now, I have tried, and failed, to attend my local folk club. Clearly, I am going to have to resort to the Derek Alarm Clock. (1)

Faery lights: Yule, 2014

Faery lights: Yule, 2014

On Thursday, I’ll be going straight from a day shift to my local, the Doncaster Brewery & Tap, for “Well Spoken!” It’s a monthly event where local writers read out their poetry, and prose, as well as consuming Ian’s excellent beer, and cider. I’ll be reading one about dawn, plus – if I manage to finish it  – a parody of a Dylan Thomas poem. I’ve even pre-booked a taxi, so – unlike last night – I will show up.

Here’s a poem from Winter 2010: it’s about the local folk club, and mentions Derek.

Trudging Down a Snowy High Street After Pub

We sang “Landlord”, and I
of “Weevily Wheat”: then,
several glasses later,
slipping and weaving homeward
down that snow-clogged street,
John began talking of Mankind:
are we alone, and only Earth
inhabited?

Derek and I spoke of suns and stars
in their distant billions,
arguing the case against
our collective loneliness.

We bickered and slithered
along, all in beery good nature,
when suddenly, near the chemist’s,
a young lad in a silly
woolly hat popped up, and said,

Oh yes, there is too:
my sister at Leeds Uni
took part in an experiment
which found microbes
alive and well and living
among the stars.

John shouted no no no,
denying any kinship
with something so small
which lurks beneath the rocks.

And, whilst Derek smiled,
and Andy plowed ahead,
I laughed at the absurdity
of it all: chance, friendship,
and white beery nights.

Night light: Doncaster, 2015

Night light: Doncaster, 2015

(1) Derek is a stalwart of the local folk club, and lives nearby

“Stop All the Clocks”: National Poetry Day

Overthinking in Bradford: photo by K. Hartley

Overthinking in Bradford: photo by K. Hartley

I don’t always lose it in autumn, but when I do, it can be messy: that first admission, for clinical depression; the second, when I first went manic. This year, though, it’s less SAD, than SID (Seasonal Intermittent Despair).

I can cope with cold, provided I wrap up well, but have a problem with light. And the latter just happens to be the subject of Thursday’s (8th October) National Poetry Day.

Leaving a house filled with candle, fairy, and energy saving light for the darkness of night is a real struggle at the moment. I don’t know why it’s worse this year. It’s complicated given I work shifts, am bipolar, and tend toward depression more than mania. For several weeks now, I have tried, and failed, to attend my local folk club. Clearly, I am going to have to resort to the Derek Alarm Clock. (1)

Faery lights: Yule, 2014

Faery lights: Yule, 2014

On Thursday, I’ll be going straight from a day shift to my local, the Doncaster Brewery & Tap, for “Well Spoken!” It’s a monthly event where local writers read out their poetry, and prose, as well as consuming Ian’s excellent beer, and cider. I’ll be reading one about dawn, plus – if I manage to finish it  – a parody of a Dylan Thomas poem. I’ve even pre-booked a taxi, so – unlike last night – I will show up.

Here’s a poem from Winter 2010: it’s about the local folk club, and mentions Derek.

Trudging Down a Snowy High Street After Pub

We sang “Landlord”, and I
of “Weevily Wheat”: then,
several glasses later,
slipping and weaving homeward
down that snow-clogged street,
John began talking of Mankind:
are we alone, and only Earth
inhabited?

Derek and I spoke of suns and stars
in their distant billions,
arguing the case against
our collective loneliness.

We bickered and slithered
along, all in beery good nature,
when suddenly, near the chemist’s,
a young lad in a silly
woolly hat popped up, and said,

Oh yes, there is too:
my sister at Leeds Uni
took part in an experiment
which found microbes
alive and well and living
among the stars.

John shouted no no no,
denying any kinship
with something so small
which lurks beneath the rocks.

And, whilst Derek smiled,
and Andy plowed ahead,
I laughed at the absurdity
of it all: chance, friendship,
and white beery nights.

Night light: Doncaster, 2015

Night light: Doncaster, 2015

(1) Derek is a stalwart of the local folk club, and lives nearby

Jocelyn Fryer: Fear can be a funny thing

Thanks again, Jocelyn, for allowing us to publish your very lovely writing. (You can visit her at My Humble Pie and you can read an introduction to her right here on OLE.). […]