Daily Archives: October 6, 2015

So I’m Blank Today

Don’t really know what to write.  TOmorrow I get to start lifting again, which means I need to spend the day doing and cleaning out laundry that’s piled up in various places in my laundry room.  So that will be good if not fun. Laundry is never really fun for me, but I will feel some satisfaction in cleaning it all up.

About to take the small one to piano lessons.  I’ll run some errands while she’s there, etc’.  GOt a few things to do while she’s playing away.

I’m feeling better mostly because I’m sleeping better,  The cough isn’t gone but it’s not constant, either.  I guess I’ll just have to wait it out.  Or just live with it.  We will see.  It is better so maybe it will heal up on its own.


What’s the difference between hypomana and full blown mania for me. 

 A blogger friend asked what was the difference between hypomania and mania to bipolar sufferers. This was my answer.

When I’m hypomanic, I am IN touch with reality. But I have tons of energy. I can get lots done. But I am also very anxious. And I cycle through hypomania, normal and depressed. I guess this is called a mixed phase. When I tumble into full blown mania, I am out of touch with reality a lot of the times. Still cycling through manic, normal and depressed, but out of touch with reality as in “knowing” that a witch in Eastern Europe is using black magic to damage my heart, and actually feeling chest pain! So again I have three parts to full blown mania: the depressed, the normal, and the manic. In my normal period of full blown mania, I fully realize what’s going on and call my doctor and tell him, it’s happening again, I am out of touch with reality! That’s the way it’s been with me since the beginning. Perhaps because I was given antidepressants the very first time I ever had any mood symptoms, a severe depression. Antidepressants cause mixed phases.

This is not amazing, it is not extraordinary, I am not special because this happens to me. I am simply ill. Well not simply ill, there’s nothing simple about having bipolar d/o, except maybe the need to take mood stabilizing medications such as Lithium, Seroquel, etc.

So the main difference is whether I’m in touch with reality or not. And how disorganized and “magical” my thinking is. Also I didn’t mention sleep, but when you are manic you cannot go to sleep. No sleep or very little sleep is also a characteristic of mania.

Since I manifested bipolar d/o in 1985, I have had two full blown manic phases and two subsequent hospitalizations. Pretty good batting average against this hellish disease. Hope to keep the stats on my side.

Sent from my iPhone


Bipolar Functionality: Unsolved Mystery

Yesterday, without leaving the lot except for spawn valet service, I became a whirlwind of activity. I swear just giving myself permission to say “fuck it” actually enables me to be semi functional. But yesterday was, wow. I stuck to my bedroom but after a year of letting it gather dust and stuff pile up, I started dusting and cleaning and organizing. I didn’t go near the closet of doom but…I felt good about what I accomplished. My masterpiece, which is my tradition four years running now, is my Halloween window. I haven’t even started on the outdoors yet but this one I am famous for. Luckily no one has had a wreck coming around the corner and spotting it.

jason

Mr. Vorhees is my friend. Best Halloween investment ever, four years ago. Just wish I’d gotten the Freddy Krueger, too, cos they’ve never had him back in since. Oh, well. Jason will have to suffice. I have Freddy as a candy dish that bites when you reach for something.

So how I was saying yesterday I managed to find a pair of pants without holes? Um, yeah. I later noticed the seam at the butt was splitting. Guess I’ve gained some weight. (MEDS, every time, I don’t care what the docs say, I am heavier now than when I was nine months pregnant, only difference is…MEDS.) So my joy of pants without holes was severely crushed.

Oddly it was a tranquil day in all, even got through the school pick up relatively unscathed and handled the yappy spawn without spazzing. Took a Restoril around 8:30 cos in spite of shark week soon ending, my back was slaying me and I couldn’t get comfortable, just wanted sleep. I was awake until almost midnight waiting for the shit to kick in. Useless. Yet if I took it during the day as a secondary benzo for anxiety, I would no doubt fall asleep standing up. Fuckity fuck fuck fuck.

My mind is swirling with what I need to do, none of it pertaining to folded Mt Vesuvius or washing dishes. I wanna decorate for Halloween. Of course, my enthusiasm for that was dampened by an 8 am text from R, asking me to pop by “for a bit”. I don’t know what “for a bit” means but if you wait until the last second, like I couldn’t possibly have plans except to wait for you to beckon, you’ll be lucky if I pop in before 1 p.m. Ass trash. Now I feel like I can’t enjoy decorating cos I am beholden to him and I probably won’t even get a pack of smokes for my aggravation. But I gotta stock up brownie points cos it doesn’t look like the landlord is gonna fix my ductwork so I am gonna have to do some major league sucking up and see if R will crawl under there and do it.

Spook brought home blue yesterday. For talking. Mom and I promised her a sleepover there if she could get green or above for five straight days. She made it two. Honestly, I don’t know why it is so hard to stop talking. I hate talking most of the time, which is why I love on line communication. No noise. No trying to remember what was said ten seconds ago. Time to form a coherent response.

I am of course a hypocrite because my friend Kristel and I spent much of Kindergarten at the “quiet table” for talking. Thing is, Spook has always been a chatty Kathy doll and yet, it was never reported as a problem in pre K or Kindergarten. They said she was quiet. I was like, you have the right kid??> Now she won’t shut up to even get a reward. Kid muzzles should be legal, I am telling you.

All in all…my mood is neither up nor down, my anxiety is manageable, and I am on occasion able to work start/stop mode to accomplish little things here and there. It’s something, after the year I’ve had. This allergy coughing, gagging, and draining is bringing me down, and I can’t afford the non drowsy Claritin, can’t take sleep inducing Benadryl with the spawn loose…So I suffer.

Back to watching Blindspot. First episode blew me away. Now it’s like meh. But that could well be my focus, it is such shit. Starting to think the low dose Focalin ain’t do shit anymore. I used to read a book in a day and a half. Last book took me a month to read. Irritating. Bipolar functionality…baffling.

So…soon I am gonna do a very shallow post ala Facebook and post pictures of my Halloween decor and probably my cats and my skull jacket and boots and…But hey, some may consider it a break from my prattling about bipolar constantly.

It’s not who I am, but I’ll be damned if every time I forget I am bipolar, some symptom pops up to bitch slap me. Mindfulness. I live in the here and now. Here and now means…bipolar can bite me on the ass at any given time.

Thankfully, I’ll be getting a few weeks of ghoul therapy. I just pray to the sacred pegacorn I can enjoy it.


No more Medicine

I have to make an appt with my doctor but I’m going to tell him no more.

I’m down to my last bottle and I’m not refilling.

Time to do this again.


Another South African Bipolar Linkdump

Did you notice the facelift? Like it? As well as the general layout, we also have a new OLE button for you (eyes left) and if you’d like to use […]

I’m Too Sexy

Okay, so I subject that I have yet to get to that is a big topic of discussion in the...

Meh

Sorry I haven’t answered comments and visited your blogs for a couple of days or three. I’m suffering from hyposadgitation™, but coping better than  I was when I last whinged here. I want to catch up with your posts soon, I go into withdrawal very quickly. Rapid cycling blogger? And I haz two questions for…