Daily Archives: September 23, 2015

Yogi Berra: He went right ahead and died anyway

I was having a really, REALLY bad day when I learned that Yogi Berra has died.  Somehow it seems like him.  After all, he was only 90.

The 17 most memorable quotes from Yankees legend Yogi Berra

http://flip.it/vS3Zj


Alone But Not Lonely

One way that my family tries to help me through depression is to make sure someone is always with me....

The Wispy Wind

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Ah the wisps and the winds

Buffeted here and there

Anchor me, anchor me, I don’t want to wash ashore

What is control?

One day brings sunshine, another rain, can’t you flourish in both, perish in both?

No one can control the weather, who decides your fate? You? Or the wispy wind?


Hell in Paradise-Part 1/Sorry to Confuse!

Hope this brief video of me and Lucy makes sense! I’m sorry that yesterday’s 300th post was confusing. I created my WordPress blog in 2008. I only wrote three posts and then I became too depressed to write. I didn’t blog again until 2011. Once again, I wrote a couple posts and took yet another depression-related hiatus.  I returned … Continue reading Hell in Paradise-Part 1/Sorry to Confuse!

Hell in Paradise-Part 1/Sorry to Confuse!

Hope this brief video of me and Lucy makes sense! I’m sorry that yesterday’s 300th post was confusing. I created my WordPress blog in 2008. I only wrote three posts and then I became to depressed to write. I didn’t blog again until 2011 and once again, I wrote a few posts and took another depression-related hiatus.  I returned … Continue reading Hell in Paradise-Part 1/Sorry to Confuse!

SEPTEMBER 23 2015

morgueticiaatoms:

A comic that brings out the reality of depression and anxiety.

Originally posted on dianetharp70's Blog:

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Fiction Is The Best Treatment For Mental Illness

Oh, yes, my pretties…The new tv season has begun and after feeling like my ability to enjoy anything belonged on a milk carton for months…It’s back, limited of course, to fictional TV shows.

I just watched Limitless and whoooooa. LOVE it. I don’t want to wait another week to see the next episode, I wanna binge watch it all now. NOW. I liked the movie, and the series does right by the original idea. The notion of taking one pill and tapping into your entire brain instead of being stuck using only a portion…Dear god, even bipolar brains would be improved and less limited. Most of us have memory issues, usually caused by meds even though the doctors say it’s not- if you could take one extra pill and have everything you’ve ever learned, heard, read, seen, bubble to the surface…I’d do it in a heartbeat, side effects or not. Hell if I did waste away in a year, it’d still be packed with more living than my bipolar self would live in ten years. And I’ve already had side effects from hell, wanting to die because a med made me sick isn’t different from wanting to die from the withdrawal of one.

Yes, I do get wrapped up on this shit. I enjoy it. I ENJOY something again.

I am cured? No, I still feel pretty downtrodden. I blame the shifting season which I believe starts today. The cold at night which drives me under the covers and makes me linger in bed hitting snooze a little longer each morning…Seasonal is here. Yay. NOT. But at least with it comes a new TV season full of fiction treatment for my soul and hopefully, a lowering anxiety as people stop spending so much time outdoors being idgets. It’s not exactly a silver lining, but it’s something.

Spook and I were both awake at 3 a.m. Because the cats decided that would be an excellent time to have fun and games in my bed, gnawing our feet, walking on our faces. Fuckers were relentless. It went on almost an hour. Which sucks because once her sleep meds wear off then mine do, it is a bitch going back to sleep. Cats give zero fucks.

And yes, I have been giving my kid sleep meds. Well, melatonin. The pediatrician suggested it. I don’t like doing it and some nights I refuse to, don’t want her getting too dependent and forgetting how to fall asleep naturally. Which is a hazard of any sleeping med. You get used to that quick fall into sleep the pill or whatever brings and next thing you know, you absolutely cannot fall asleep on your own. But I figured if the doctor okayed the occasional use of melatonin for the kid and she does have such issues sleeping and needs rest for school…Screw you, mommy blogs and your “I would never drug my child” bullshit. I would never drug “a” child. I simply feel it is sometimes warranted for “this” child. Sleep disturbance apparently runs in the family.

I have been taking melatonin more often than I’d like lately, mostly because the mood crashes so low, the anxiety kicks in, and being awake becomes grueling. I don’t like taking sleepers, though. Hell I think I still have a 2 month supply of Restoril the shrink gave me, taken maybe two pills. I didn’t like the loopy hangover it gave me. Which sure might go away if I took them regularly, but I am not going down that path again. I did that with Trazadone and Seroquel and got to the point where I couldn’t sleep without 700mg combined. Never again. Melatonin is cheap, over the counter, and doesn’t turn my brain to tapioca. Hopefully as the anxiety calms with the season change I won’t need melatonin at all.

And they say I’m not an optimist.

I’m done licking my wounds over what I view as R’s spinelessness. I still maintain I have good cause to be pissed. Lying to me, like we’re in junior high and I’m not gonna be your friend anymore cos you wanna stay with Stacy so you lie and say you’re grounded except I see you out with her…GRRR. Grow the fuck up. Nut up. Just be honest. My family may be batshit, but at least I never have to wonder where I stand with them. I’d rather be told I’m a bitch and pissed them off than have some jellyfish smile and say everything is ok, then go rant to others about it. Jebus. I’m supposed to feel bad for being forward and blunt as I am, but at least with me you’re not wondering where you stand. Being  bluntly honest isn’t the same as being rude. Let me school those who don’t grasp this.

“Do you like my new dress?”

“That’s pretty, but I really like you in solids is all.”

THAT is polite honesty with a blunt edge.

“Do you like my new dress?”

“Oh my god, you look like a cow in stripes, you’re too heavy to wear that, put on some solid colors that look slimming!”

THAT is rude honesty.

Meh, maybe I’m speaking the African clicking language and no one can understand me. IDK. Come to think of it, I don’t really give a damn. When I tell “friends” I like to be handled with honesty because lies will set me off and they lie anyway…Yeah, that’s justifiable anger. Kind of like when a friend tells me, “If you yell at me, it sets me off because my dad was verbally abusive” I will be respectful enough not to yell. Seriously, is common courtesy and respect that foreign a concept these days?

Pfft. I am Snarkasma, I rant, I snark, and I have a nemesis that keeps it that way. Deal with it or move along. Snarkasma, like Honey Badger, don’t care.

Morning pretzel gut and anxiety are in full force. Waking to this shit five days a week is getting old. Only time my mornings aren’t like this are weekends. So what does that say about the stress impact this dish dweller thing has on me? Oh, right, I am just too weak to handle life.

But hey, I have enough balls to admit that I kind am a little fragile when it comes to processing stress and triggers.

I’ll let denial and lies remain for the sheeple.

Now…I am gonna watch Scream Queens and see how much it sucks. Maybe it won’t. Maybe pegacorns will fly out of my butt.

On second thought, nooo, that sounds painful.

Too blunt?

 

 


Here We Go Again

It is again unconscionably early and we’re getting ready to go to the hospital for my gallbladder surgery.   I get there at 5:45 a.m. and they start surgery at 7:30 supposedly.  At least I hope everything goes that smoothly.  Miracle of miracles, I barely coughed last night so wasn’t tempted to get a cough drop after midnight.  Hope that run holds through the hospital, too.

See you all after the surgery tomorrow.


Is it just me…

I am of the mind that I would much rather have my feelings hurt with the blatant truth rather than be “sheltered” with blow offs and lies and subterfuge? Is is just me?

Because I was privy tonight, by happenstance, certainly not by dignity of direct honesty, to learn that R hasn’t merely been blowing me off because of being busy, distracted or disinterested. Noooo.

He hasn’t been able to ask for my help for our barter arrangement due to the fact he’s been PAYING a friend of his eldest daughter’s to do stuff at the shop. PAYING her.

Given it’s just ten or fifteen bucks for cleaning…It’s just the lack of being honest that gets me. Don’t hide from me, don’t lie to me, don’t obscure the truth…just fucking tell me. I mean, I knew this girl when she was a kid of 12 hanging with his eldest and her mom and absentee father make me look like stable loving mom of the year…I don’t begrudge her a bit, she has two or more kids without a dad in the picture.. It’s not some petty thing where I put myself before her and her kids.

It is about HIM, not being able to say no to his “I have a master’s degree in psychology but can’t see my own anger issues” daughter. She did this same thing a couple years back with another friend who was supposedly an “electronics genius” who wanted to work for free to “learn” from R. Turned out, he knew less than I do, was absolutely useless yet thought he knew everything, and flaked in three weeks.

So shun the person who’s been there for four years for one more of daughter know it all’s friends.

How is that not offensive, ffs? He made it seem personal to me because I am “irrational” and “too emotional”.

He said, and I quote, “It’s my daughter asking, what do you expect me to do? I don’t want it this way, I’d rather let you earn it, but…”

I don’t fucking know. How about YOU STAND UP TO YOUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE’S PUSHING THIRTY AND HIGHLY EDUCATED AND SO PROUD OF BEING SUCH AN ADULT SHE SHOULD BE ABLE TO HANDLE DADDY TELLING HER NO TO SOMETHING!!!!

Personally if that friend of Ms Know it All wants to go into that shop and “tidy up” which will last all of ninety minutes max with R and Kenny…more power to her.

I just don’t like being lied to. I don’t like finding out that it’s not that I haven’t been needed so I can barter for the things my kid and I need, but because he doesn’t have the nards to tell his domineering daughter that he doesn’t want a cleaning lady.

Jebus H Christmas.

It’s one thing to love and respect your spawn. Tis a spineless nother to let her dictate how you keep your business, conduct it, staff it…I’ve known for years that elder girl was out to do away with my presence in the picture.

And okay, maybe it started out as me helping at the shop so he could “teach” me computer repair for A Plus certification…And again, my mental instability and scrambled brain emerged..So I couldn’t even remember the bare minimum about electronics to avoid electrocuting myself, not to mention frying electronics…I told him many times, “Get someone else, I can’t operate under this kind of pressure especially when my brain isn’t cooperating.”

It was HIM who insisted I could do it, he had “faith” in me. Forget it has nothing to do with reality and my mental disadvantages…Nope, positive thinking makes it SO.

Bull.fucking.shit.

Once again, I am not only the “disappointment”, I am also the one not even worthy of being confronted with the truth.

How can I not be pissed off and feel shorted?

I did throw a fit, and he did buy my tobacco and such since he can’t “use” me at the shop cos he has to use his daughter’s friend…But for all the joy of having what I “need” I also feel absolutely shitty cos I didn’t earn it. He just gave it to me to keep the peace. Being pacified really doesn’t do a thing for me. Because it can be held over my head at a later date if I displease him in some way. If I “earn” it via our long established barter system…I know I did indeed earn it.

This isn’t on me. He sold me out, replaced me. All to please Ms. Master’s degree know it all who can’t even see her own issues…

I’d love to know how NOT to be offended by that shit.

Kinda explains my misanthropy and mistrust of people, doesn’t it? No one has the balls to be honest, everything is subterfuge and bullshit. Maybe a bigger person can turn the other cheek, make allowances for people to be jerks…But I am not capable of letting it go that easily.

And while my memory is spotty at best…When it comes to being fucked over, lied to, deceived, and all around disrespected…My memory is long, my grudge holding ability is at expert level.

Reap. What. You. Dow. Motherfuckers.

If that makes me a shitty person…I can live with it.


Rainbow Anxiety

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We had a storm last night and there was a beautiful rainbow. I tried to get a picture of it with my phone but it just was too pale by the time I got there. But when I first started looking at it, it was just about the color in this image.

Rainbows are supposed to be lucky and also a promise from God. That’s pretty special.

So the main topic of this post is anxiety. Ick.

I’ve had anxiety and panic attacks forever. I remember several panic attacks where I was absolutely CONVINCED that I was going to die. It was awful. Fortunately I haven’t had one of these in a long time. But now I am having some different kind of anxiety.

When I was last in the hospital I was put on Abilify. After about a week, I was a new person. I was up and around and busy.

However, this came at a price. The first few days I thought I would crawl out of my skin. The doc actually gave me Valium to calm me down. The “crawly” feeling did go away, but it has been slowly replaced by a generalized anxiety.

Now I awaken at 4 am or so and am unable to wake up or really go back to sleep. I get a feeling of dread. I feel like someone (or myself) is going to die. I feel like I have done something wrong or am in trouble. I feel like I am going to get yelled at.

This has also manifested itself in driving/car anxiety. I get extremely nervous when riding in a car on a freeway. I also get very anxious about the prospect of driving myself. Once I am in the car I am okay, but I am only able to drive fairly close around my neighborhood….maybe ten miles away is my limit.

I don’t want to be limited in my driving. I am 56 and should be able to drive just about anywhere. But the anxiety is scary. I don’t want to panic in the car.

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist tomorrow.

Right now, I have two .5 Klonopin I can take as needed. I frequently take one of these in the early am so I can go back to sleep. The other one I take here and there as I need it.

My husband and I drove about three hours the other day home from some friends’ house. I got so nervous I took two Klonopin. Then I came home and fell asleep which wasted the rest of the day. I’m so old I don’t have millions of days to waste.

I am still down on the couch if I have nowhere to specifically go during the day. I just stay in my nightgown and hang out on the couch. I’m going to change that (see below).

Tomorrow’s schedule is busy:

7:00 up and shower, do devotionals, get dressed, make bed

9:45 psychiatrist, visit sewing machine shop for new machine foot, visit mother (ick!)

12:45 meet new friend from Overeater’s Anonymous for coffee

5:00 meet friend at sushi place

That’s quite a bit for me.

I met my OA sponsor. She lives in the nearby city we just visited. She is 28, tiny, and really thin. She said when she started OA she weighed 55 pounds more.

She sure knows her OA stuff. She is teaching me how to sponsor someone myself. I am still not eating correctly so I don’t feel ready. But she says as long as I am honest, people don’t care if I am perfect about food.

The rest of this week is a little busy. Thursday I have a sewing class. Friday morning I am getting my hair done. Saturday I am going to garage sales and Sunday is church. So no total laying around the couch for me.

I’m not losing a lot of weight, but I am maintaining. I am down 16 pounds from my high. I feel less compelled to overeat but it’s not glaringly translating into weight loss. I am just trying to work the program. I’m also planning on actually getting my butt to the gym for some cardio on the treadmill after some of these activities. I mean if I dress for the gym for sewing class, I could head right over after. If I do the same when I get my hair done, I could do the same.

I am going to start a new template for October. I did not do one in September and I feel lost. If you are a new reader, a template is just a checklist of things I want to do daily, weekly, and monthly.

So far for daily activities I plan on listing keeping the sink scrubbed and making dinner, saying something positive to my husband, showering, putting clothes on and getting out of my nightgown, making the bed, doing my devotional, getting on an OA call three times a week, and doing something nice for others. Oops, I also want to weigh in.

Weekly I want to check my friend list, exercise 3 times per week, go to church, go to my Christian women’s support group, and go to Jenny Craig.

Monthly I want to do something individual with each of my three kids, seeing my pdoc and therapist, and getting a massage. I’ll probably add a few things before October 1st.

Honestly, I need the structure and the check off. It’s just too easy to do nothing.

So there is the sort of precarious status of my life.

I hope you all are well.

lily