Daily Archives: September 15, 2015

Quilt Finished! Road Trip Review….

FullSizeRender (7)

Well, here is the Recovery Quilt all finished. The hand sewing on the binding on the back did not take as long as I thought. I tried to make my hand stitches very even but they are certainly not perfect. And when I had to turn the corners with the hand sewing it got a little bumpy.

So what is next? A week from Thursday I am going to a class to make a Halloween table runner. It is super cute, but looks sort of complicated. But hey, I made the Recovery Quilt so I can give a table runner a try.

In October, I’m going to take a class to make a crib sized quilt. If it turns out, I think it will be nice to throw over my legs while I am resting on the couch.

I am suffering from a ton of anxiety. I just feel like there is something wrong or that I did something wrong and I am going to get into trouble. But I am living a pretty clean (not perfect, of course) life, and am not sure what is causing this. I wake up at 5:30 or so with a sense of dread. I am too tired to get up so I just lay there till about 7:30. Today the anxiety has stayed with me all day.

My husband says it is the Abilify and he could be right. I am going to talk to the doctor about it. My husband’s answer is to take some Klonopin. This is fine, except that it makes me sleepy and I don’t want to drive or do anything else.

I quit going to my bipolar support group. Honestly, I was getting too depressed. There was so much darkness in the group. Before, there were some positive people, but right now it is just gloom and doom. I think I am served better at this time by doing a quilting class or something else instead of the bipolar group. This doesn’t mean I will never go back, but….

I found a new sponsor for Overeater’s Anonymous. Her name is Sophie and she lives in my state but in a different city. She is very positive. I have mentioned the depression, but not the bipolar YET. (I will get to it.) As an aside, you know I was on this nine day trek to Lake Tahoe. In all of that time…eating out, etc. I only gained ONE pound! I was impressed with myself. It is harder than hell to eat at restaurants and fast food places. And this group had to try doughnuts, ice cream, and pie along the way.

So I wanted to do a little summary of my trip:IMG_0294

South Lake Tahoe

Day #1- Thursday

Woke up at 4 and could not sleep. Flipped around and considered a Klonopin. Took one and promptly sacked out. Woke up at 9, took a shower (yay!), and finished packing. Had a lot of stuff. Was worried car we were riding in wouldn’t hold everything. But it did. Left at one. Co-rider very talkative at first, then settled into Sudoku. I listened to music. Arrived at our first night’s destination and settled into hotel. All good so far.

Day #2-Friday

Most of this road was a two lane freeway. I got incredibly nervous about passing big trucks and travel trailers on this road. My feet started sweating. Was so panicked I took THREE Klonopin. Made it to Reno and stopped at Trader Joe’s for food. Made it to our final destination in Truckee, CA. Beautiful home to stay at.

Day #3-Saturday

Took a nap. Hung around the house and watched a movie. Should have gone on a hike for the exercise.

Day #4- Sunday

Drove to Sacramento and stopped at two wineries. Our traveling partners bought FORTY bottles of wine. I bought two. Saw a woman with a quilt stand. She hand quilted everything. Had a gorgeous quilt for $250. Began to wonder if quilting is worth the time, materials, and effort when you can just buy one. Got exhausted and checked into hotel. Companions went to see the Capitol. I napped. They got me up and took me to a special ice cream store which had the best ice cream in Sacramento. It was pretty good. I had peppermint!

Day #5- Monday (Labor Day)

Went for the best doughnuts in Sacramento. (These people had a sweet tooth.) Ate two and loved them. Went to the Crocker Museum of Art. Well worth the trip…was stunning! Then headed to the railroad museum. Not my cup of tea. Husband was enthralled. It was hotter than hell and pretty crowded. (Labor Day). Had to park very far away and actually walk across a large bridge to get where we were going. Also had to crawl through a hole in the fence out of parking area. Was worried I was too fat to squeeze through but I did. The waitng around really tired me out. Sat down and waited for the others. Called a friend for entertainment. DO NOT GO TO SACRAMENTO ON LABOR DAY!

Day #6- Tuesday

Drove to Lake Tahoe and did a luncheon cruise to Emerald Bay. Loved it…weather was perfect. On another note: companions and husband played trivia all the way anywhere in the car. I seemed to have brain fog. I did not care to answer questions and got bored. I was just sort of blah and out of it. Got a little depressed. I have wanted to go on a European river cruise and I saw that slipping away. I just don’t have the energy. Went to a historic home and drove back to house. Got in hot tub.

Day #7 Wednesday

Did nothing but lay around. Saw a movie, napped, just hung out.

Day #8 Thursday

Packed 40 wine bottles and luggage. Back on that two lane freeway. Not as much traffic this day and not as much passing. Made it with two Klonopin. Stayed at a nice hotel on the midpoint home. They upgraded us to a king suite. Very fancy.

Day #9- Home.

Took me two days to sleep it off.

love to you all, lily

Quilt Finished! Road Trip Review….

FullSizeRender (7)

Well, here is the Recovery Quilt all finished. The hand sewing on the binding on the back did not take as long as I thought. I tried to make my hand stitches very even but they are certainly not perfect. And when I had to turn the corners with the hand sewing it got a little bumpy.

So what is next? A week from Thursday I am going to a class to make a Halloween table runner. It is super cute, but looks sort of complicated. But hey, I made the Recovery Quilt so I can give a table runner a try.

In October, I’m going to take a class to make a crib sized quilt. If it turns out, I think it will be nice to throw over my legs while I am resting on the couch.

I am suffering from a ton of anxiety. I just feel like there is something wrong or that I did something wrong and I am going to get into trouble. But I am living a pretty clean (not perfect, of course) life, and am not sure what is causing this. I wake up at 5:30 or so with a sense of dread. I am too tired to get up so I just lay there till about 7:30. Today the anxiety has stayed with me all day.

My husband says it is the Abilify and he could be right. I am going to talk to the doctor about it. My husband’s answer is to take some Klonopin. This is fine, except that it makes me sleepy and I don’t want to drive or do anything else.

I quit going to my bipolar support group. Honestly, I was getting too depressed. There was so much darkness in the group. Before, there were some positive people, but right now it is just gloom and doom. I think I am served better at this time by doing a quilting class or something else instead of the bipolar group. This doesn’t mean I will never go back, but….

I found a new sponsor for Overeater’s Anonymous. Her name is Sophie and she lives in my state but in a different city. She is very positive. I have mentioned the depression, but not the bipolar YET. (I will get to it.) As an aside, you know I was on this nine day trek to Lake Tahoe. In all of that time…eating out, etc. I only gained ONE pound! I was impressed with myself. It is harder than hell to eat at restaurants and fast food places. And this group had to try doughnuts, ice cream, and pie along the way.

So I wanted to do a little summary of my trip:IMG_0294

South Lake Tahoe

Day #1- Thursday

Woke up at 4 and could not sleep. Flipped around and considered a Klonopin. Took one and promptly sacked out. Woke up at 9, took a shower (yay!), and finished packing. Had a lot of stuff. Was worried car we were riding in wouldn’t hold everything. But it did. Left at one. Co-rider very talkative at first, then settled into Sudoku. I listened to music. Arrived at our first night’s destination and settled into hotel. All good so far.

Day #2-Friday

Most of this road was a two lane freeway. I got incredibly nervous about passing big trucks and travel trailers on this road. My feet started sweating. Was so panicked I took THREE Klonopin. Made it to Reno and stopped at Trader Joe’s for food. Made it to our final destination in Truckee, CA. Beautiful home to stay at.

Day #3-Saturday

Took a nap. Hung around the house and watched a movie. Should have gone on a hike for the exercise.

Day #4- Sunday

Drove to Sacramento and stopped at two wineries. Our traveling partners bought FORTY bottles of wine. I bought two. Saw a woman with a quilt stand. She hand quilted everything. Had a gorgeous quilt for $250. Began to wonder if quilting is worth the time, materials, and effort when you can just buy one. Got exhausted and checked into hotel. Companions went to see the Capitol. I napped. They got me up and took me to a special ice cream store which had the best ice cream in Sacramento. It was pretty good. I had peppermint!

Day #5- Monday (Labor Day)

Went for the best doughnuts in Sacramento. (These people had a sweet tooth.) Ate two and loved them. Went to the Crocker Museum of Art. Well worth the trip…was stunning! Then headed to the railroad museum. Not my cup of tea. Husband was enthralled. It was hotter than hell and pretty crowded. (Labor Day). Had to park very far away and actually walk across a large bridge to get where we were going. Also had to crawl through a hole in the fence out of parking area. Was worried I was too fat to squeeze through but I did. The waitng around really tired me out. Sat down and waited for the others. Called a friend for entertainment. DO NOT GO TO SACRAMENTO ON LABOR DAY!

Day #6- Tuesday

Drove to Lake Tahoe and did a luncheon cruise to Emerald Bay. Loved it…weather was perfect. On another note: companions and husband played trivia all the way anywhere in the car. I seemed to have brain fog. I did not care to answer questions and got bored. I was just sort of blah and out of it. Got a little depressed. I have wanted to go on a European river cruise and I saw that slipping away. I just don’t have the energy. Went to a historic home and drove back to house. Got in hot tub.

Day #7 Wednesday

Did nothing but lay around. Saw a movie, napped, just hung out.

Day #8 Thursday

Packed 40 wine bottles and luggage. Back on that two lane freeway. Not as much traffic this day and not as much passing. Made it with two Klonopin. Stayed at a nice hotel on the midpoint home. They upgraded us to a king suite. Very fancy.

Day #9- Home.

Took me two days to sleep it off.

love to you all, lily

A Gut-Wrenching Decision

  Ever since my brother-in-law Don died last week it has been hard for everyone in my family. Of course it has been toughest for my husband Craig – he and his older brother were only sixteen months apart. Don … Continue reading

I’m A Carpenter Now! And A Hacker!

I know I said in my last post that my sister, her two kids and I moved into a new house last month. Not a new house per se, but new for us. Well, I am happy to report that I am becoming quite the carpenter!! I have done the usual hanging of pictures, putting up closet shelves and anchoring them to the wall, etc. That’s old hat. But! My poor sister doesn’t have any storage space since I’m in her basement. So we need to create storage in the garage. I brought a GIGANTOR set of metal shelves (kind of like kitchen shelves) which we put in the garage and M promptly filled, and I mean stuffed full! I scoped out Wally World (I hate that place but the prices! I know, no ethics) and found some shelves that were six feet tall and four feet wide, that could hold 4,000 pounds. Overkill? Perhaps. M went and purchased them after five attempts at getting customer service. Those shelves are heavier than SHIT! Finally she had to call the store…from within the store! And she’s like . . . yeah . . . I can’t get anyone to come help me pick up these shelves and put them on a cart so I can pay for them. They shouldn’t make you work so hard to give them money!! I sometimes yell this at people when I get really bad customer service. It’s TRUE!

To make a short story long, I assembled the shelves over the weekend, and the design was, how do I say this . . . STUPID? So it really really really needed to be anchored and I mean ANCHORED to the studs in the garage so that stuff wouldn’t fall off the high shelves onto people’s heads. Or so that the shelves didn’t fall onto people’s heads. Wellllll I hadn’t showered so I just put on a hat and took myself to Home Depot and got lucky-lucky! Not sex-lucky, man would that have been fun! But weird. At Home Depot. I got lucky in that I found a guy to measure and cut me some 2×4’s and he was so nice. So I got my wood, my hardware, etc, easy, cheap and fast. (That’s what HE said).

So I got those 2×4’s into the studs, then anchored the shelves to the 2×4’s and they are SOLID! SOLID AS A ROCK! (Remember that song?) Ahhhhh a job well-done feels so good!!!

Yesterday, a whole different story. Get ready for a left turn. The easiest way to say this is that I’ve become a Kiddie-Hacker. My niece and nephew have been on their computers NON-STOP and we’re like, WTF are they doing??? They’re either on their computers or their phones, and when they’re on their phones they have headphones. My nephew is 14 and my niece is 10. My niece had the monitor of the desktop computer (nephew has a laptop) turned perpendicular to the wall, i.e. she wanted to make double-sure that we didn’t see ANYTHING she was doing. So…..I went looking yesterday to try to figure it out. And what I found was stomach turning.

I found that in this particular video game she was playing, she was lying about her age, and where it asks for a parent’s email address, she had put her own. There were inappropriate messages from other players. Then I hacked into her email and found emails to her friends that would make her Aunt proud, there were so many fucks, hells, and shits, if not for the fact that she’s TEN YEARS OLD!!! I passed it on to her poor mother to deal with, along with her email password. It was a troubling day, to say the least. It makes me think that there’s an opportunity out there, to help parents check out what their kids are doing. So many parents are not as technically savvy as their kids. And so many kids, my niece included, seem so much more innocent than they are!

In other areas of life, I am glad, GLAD to say that I’ve lost ten pounds so far since getting off that fucker Clozaril. I am trying to exercise every day, and I’m also working on my diet, i.e. wayyyyy less sugar, and eating fruits and vegetables every day. Foreign concepts that I’m trying to make my own. Dr. Drugs is having a BLAST tinkering with his chemistry experiment that is me and I’ve been seeing him every two weeks because he keeps making so many damn changes to my drug regimen. I’m seeing my therapist every week and that’s just fabulous. I guess that’s about it!! You’re caught up. What’s new in your world??


Filed under: Psychology Shmyshmology Tagged: Bipolar, Clozaril, Clozaril Sucks, Hope, Humor, Mental Illness, Psychology, Reader

If Only Faith Was Like A Reloadable Debit Card

The past week or two has both restored my faith in humanity as well as taken away that same faith. Unfortunately, I can’t drive out to Wally-World to reload my “faith card” so I am stuck in this hellish overdrawn state where I am not only lacking faith, I am minus faith I didn’t have to begin with.

Losing Abby and Arsenic (yes, crazy cat lady is still on about her cats) after so long of being standoffish and not getting attached again due to all the losses of cats the past year…It shattered me. Especially considering I have a couple of outdoor ferals who have been eating my food for three years but won’t even let me pet them. Yet my sweet loving kitties died. If that’s “God’s” way, consider me a Godless heathen. Not for me to debate the worthiness of who lives and who doesn’t because it’s been made clear I’m an unproductive drain on society so I’d be the first to go come Gattaca…Just…Seems like those with genuine goodness in them are ripped away and those whose existence is pure evil live on and on.

How is that supposed to feed my faith?

I honestly felt bad for my family after the fire thing and all the loss of kitty life. I also had this underlying hope that it might humble the bunch of spoiled ungrateful adult brats. To no avail, they are who they are, they never learn a bit. My empathy is coming up overdrawn and I really want to wash my hands of them. Considering it’s my useless brother in law in control of everything, it makes me want to puke. Especially him questioning where all the money is. I can’t help if they take fees and it comes in increments. It’s just galling to do something nice and not only not get a thank you but be questioned. And my mom, who long has told me how ungrateful I am, lets him get away with it.

OMG,your 4K tv was ruined. Your shampoo is cheap and has no conditioner. Your clothes smell like smoke. You can’t have cable for six days. My poor sister is doing everything while her husband sits on his ass. He wouldn’t even help move the stove because the sides (hidden by the counters) were greasy and he said it was too “nasty” for him to touch. He literally did nothing but watch everyone else move stuff.

Faith in mankind? When that thing gets to live and innocent kitties and children die? Bitch, please.

The suckiest part is, during my battle to keep Abby alive, so many people reached out to the fund, to spread the word on social media…It touched me deeply to see so many still have good in them.

Yet that’s on line and not my daily norm. These other assholes are my daily norm and the fact I have even passing faith is a miracle.

I can take my debit card to any retail store and add money to it when its gone.

My faith is not refillable and every time it runs empty, it just takes that much longer and that much more to refill it. If ungrateful rude assholes are all you ever encounter IRL..pessimism and faithlessness seem pretty logical.

Throw in the bipolar episodes, during which I could win the lottery and still be depressed and hopeless, or my car engine can blow up, my furnace can break, and I’m still staying afloat…It impacts my ability to have faith and keep faith.

At the moment all I have faith in is that it’s just gonna keep getting worse. Because that’s all I’ve known for months and months now. One step forward only to get knocked ten steps back. I like to think I am kind, empathetic, have a good heart…So why can’t I catch a break yet the truly wretched seem to inherit the kingdom?

Life isn’t simply unfair, it’s downright illogical. Unfathomable.

I am trying so hard and getting nowhere while others make zero effort and always come out on top. That is beyond fucked up.

So call me a faithless godless heathen. I’ve earned the right to be considering all the asshole-ism I have to deal with.

And if you know of a location that does refill your faith card, let me know. I’ll be there with bells on and the pegacorn tied out front.


Art & Trees & Autumn Light

Chatsworth, September 2015

Chatsworth, September 2015

“But not a cell in all the tree
knew aught  save that it thrilled with life,
Nor cared because the hammock fell
In the dust with Milton’s Poems.”
– Many Soldiers, “Spoon River Anthology,”
Edgar Lee Masters

Warnings for: artiness; mild outbreaks of tree admiration, & enthusiasm

One of the many pleasures of out of country visitors is that we tend to revisit places we’ve not been for awhile, as well as go to ones which are new to us. As previously stated on this blog, I don’t get out much.

Another trip to a great house such as Chatsworth, or castle such as Conisbrough, with a friend also means seeing somewhere with a second, fresh pair of eyes. What they see, I may miss, and vice versa. The American humourist James Thurber, when writing about walks with his father, commented that his dad frequently noticed things which Thurber himself overlooked.

Conisbrough Castle, Sept 2015

Conisbrough Castle, Sept 2015

I’ve not yet downloaded my photos from York, which we visited yesterday with our friends Sue and Mark. Mark & Sue went into the Minster, whilst we walked around the city. This is partly because we don’t believe someone should be charged to go into what is supposed to be a house of God. Mark, however, thinks of the Minster as “a work of art”.

I can see both points of view, and have certainly enjoyed my past walks around the Minster’s interior. I definitely recommend visiting the Minster, and indeed York itself.

Also on my list of recommended sites are the other places we’ve visited: Conisbrough Castle, which is only a few miles away; Chatsworth in the beautiful county of Derbyshire; Beverley in the East Riding, and Brid(lington), although it will never top Scarborough or Whitby in my list of favourite British seaside towns.

Annoyed of Beverley Minster, Sept 2015

Annoyed of Beverley Minster, Sept 2015

It was great fun going round the likes of Beverley Minster with my friend Sue, a talented photographer, each pointing out details large and small to shoot (Sue) and snap (me). Unlike York, there’s no charge to visit: just a small (£3) fee for photographers.

Chatsworth, however, eclipsed them all through its combination of stunning views, an art collection which is still being added to by the present Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, and trees which – unlike most town ones – have been allowed plenty of space to stretch out, and breath.

Thanks to my bridge camera’s huge brain, I was able to take endless pictures of one piece of art alone:

2000-04-24 05.30.53

Hare, courtyard, Chatsworth House

I am a writer, yet I struggle to put into words how much this statue delighted and intrigued me: in part, because its setting is so beautiful, and perfect for it. Plus,the Devonshires had the taste, and sense, not to clutter the courtyard with anything else.

This, my third visit, was the first in many years to include the gardens. To see such a combination of trees, plants, ponds and art on a mostly sunny day in early September was both uplifting, and restful.

Lion woman (?), Chatsworth House gardens

Lion woman (?), Chatsworth House gardens

I came away from Chatsworth feeling almost sated with beauty. And, whilst I feel privileged to have visited there, I live in a town blessed with both public art, and green spaces. The ability to be moved by art, nature – and indeed poetry, such as the Masters poem I quoted earlier – is an option available pretty much any time I’m not either working, or asleep.

Autumn arrived in late August this year. With the equinox not long away, I’m already struggling to motivate myself to go out in the evenings. And yet, autumn light has a beauty unsurpassed by any other season.

A beauty, and an art, all its own.

Tree, sunflowers, and autumn light: Chatsworth, 2015.

Tree, sunflowers, and autumn light: Chatsworth, 2015.

 

Art & Trees & Autumn Light

Chatsworth, September 2015

Chatsworth, September 2015

“But not a cell in all the tree
knew aught  save that it thrilled with life,
Nor cared because the hammock fell
In the dust with Milton’s Poems.”
– Many Soldiers, “Spoon River Anthology,”
Edgar Lee Masters

Warnings for: artiness; mild outbreaks of tree admiration, & enthusiasm

One of the many pleasures of out of country visitors is that we tend to revisit places we’ve not been for awhile, as well as go to ones which are new to us. As previously stated on this blog, I don’t get out much.

Another trip to a great house such as Chatsworth, or castle such as Conisbrough, with a friend also means seeing somewhere with a second, fresh pair of eyes. What they see, I may miss, and vice versa. The American humourist James Thurber, when writing about walks with his father, commented that his dad frequently noticed things which Thurber himself overlooked.

Conisbrough Castle, Sept 2015

Conisbrough Castle, Sept 2015

I’ve not yet downloaded my photos from York, which we visited yesterday with our friends Sue and Mark. Mark & Sue went into the Minster, whilst we walked around the city. This is partly because we don’t believe someone should be charged to go into what is supposed to be a house of God. Mark, however, thinks of the Minster as “a work of art”.

I can see both points of view, and have certainly enjoyed my past walks around the Minster’s interior. I definitely recommend visiting the Minster, and indeed York itself.

Also on my list of recommended sites are the other places we’ve visited: Conisbrough Castle, which is only a few miles away; Chatsworth in the beautiful county of Derbyshire; Beverley in the East Riding, and Brid(lington), although it will never top Scarborough or Whitby in my list of favourite British seaside towns.

Annoyed of Beverley Minster, Sept 2015

Annoyed of Beverley Minster, Sept 2015

It was great fun going round the likes of Beverley Minster with my friend Sue, a talented photographer, each pointing out details large and small to shoot (Sue) and snap (me). Unlike York, there’s no charge to visit: just a small (£3) fee for photographers.

Chatsworth, however, eclipsed them all through its combination of stunning views, an art collection which is still being added to by the present Duke and Duchess of Devonshire, and trees which – unlike most town ones – have been allowed plenty of space to stretch out, and breath.

Thanks to my bridge camera’s huge brain, I was able to take endless pictures of one piece of art alone:

2000-04-24 05.30.53

Hare, courtyard, Chatsworth House

I am a writer, yet I struggle to put into words how much this statue delighted and intrigued me: in part, because its setting is so beautiful, and perfect for it. Plus,the Devonshires had the taste, and sense, not to clutter the courtyard with anything else.

This, my third visit, was the first in many years to include the gardens. To see such a combination of trees, plants, ponds and art on a mostly sunny day in early September was both uplifting, and restful.

Lion woman (?), Chatsworth House gardens

Lion woman (?), Chatsworth House gardens

I came away from Chatsworth feeling almost sated with beauty. And, whilst I feel privileged to have visited there, I live in a town blessed with both public art, and green spaces. The ability to be moved by art, nature – and indeed poetry, such as the Masters poem I quoted earlier – is an option available pretty much any time I’m not either working, or asleep.

Autumn arrived in late August this year. With the equinox not long away, I’m already struggling to motivate myself to go out in the evenings. And yet, autumn light has a beauty unsurpassed by any other season.

A beauty, and an art, all its own.

Tree, sunflowers, and autumn light: Chatsworth, 2015.

Tree, sunflowers, and autumn light: Chatsworth, 2015.

 

SICK of Living on Planet Asshole, Calgon, Take Me Away!

****disclaimer- Forgive all typos, et al, for I am writing this in my bedroom crypt on my slower than dial up desktop pc without my glasses using the “improved” posting experience which is absolute FUCKING SHIT. This blue and white theme is blinding me more than my anger issues are, fuck you, wordpress. (It’s nearing 11 p.m. and I just can’t be arsed to go to the living room to use the laptop cos it’s too warm in there and I can’t be arsed to drag it in here cos the power cord, the usb sound cord, the external speakers, must all be dragged along so fuck it fuck it fuck it with a barbwire dildo, dial up speed it is. Like Vista offers anything better even with hi speed wifi,)

It was an uneventful day, meaning…my issues didn’t boil over until going into the dish and dealing with its asshole dwellers. Most of whom I am related to in some fashion (kill me now!). My mom told me this morning she’d need a ride to the new apartment from the hotel so I waited…and waited…and waited…four fucking hours, during which I could have mowed the yard and done a plethora of other things rather than waiting to hear the phone. (That safelink freebie phone is a piece of shit that drops call sound and can’t be heard if you’re not on top of it.)

So putting my life on hold because I was told I’d be needed pissed me off, especially when I didn’t even get a call saying never mind.

I mowed half the yard, the front part people can see when they go by. The rest is shielded by my car so fuck ’em and feed ’em to the fish. Stupid city and its “no cloven animals” policy. If I had a pet goat like I want, the lawn would look as spiffy as a haircut bu Edward Scissorhands,

Picked my kid up from the utter chaos. I am not unfriendly or hateful but I still get a little irked when other parents waiting talk to me. I mean, note the book in my face, does this not indicate I am not seeking conversation? I resent being forced to use my limited social skills for no other reason than social nicety. I also resent the massive crowd and traffic that sets my psychotic panic off five days a week, it’s gonna be the death of me.

I procrastinated for two hours before going through with the meatloaf plan to take mom some supper. My sister says they are so picky, and I’ve seen it. Stepmonster brought them a bucket of pork steak and veggies yesterday and they were all thank you, et al, yet told me to feed it to my outside stray cats cos they didn’t like it. So I can imagine, in spite of the kind call telling me the meatloaf was good, they’ve probably had a committee meeting declaring me the worst cook since Hannibal Lecture served a human with chianti. I thought it was good meatloaf.

Once again,even though I explained it to mom THREE times, I was questioned about the gofundme campaign, on behalf of the brother in law. He wanted to know why they’re not getting the full amount listed on the page as a lump sum…Um…Cos it doesn’t work that way, you c*nt and if you bothered to fucking read the page disclaimers, you’d know that. I get my mom not getting it, she hates computers. But if Mr computer genius (self proclaimed) can’t read the page about percentage fees, well, he should just fall into a tree chipper. I’m about to take the damned thing down and tell them to do it themselves. Being questioned by two elderly computer illiterate women is one thing. Having that do nothing fucktwat question me repeatedly, like I am stealing from them, just makes me want to…

Ya know, bash in some skulls with a shovel and let the pegacorn run riot with its horn and razor blade wings. C*nt.

I don’t have fucking anger issues, I have issues with fucking assholes. If assholes could fly, this town would be an airport.

The apartment they got is nice, for what it is- a unit in an old house converted to apartments. But four people, one bedroom, the elderly women sleeping in the living room where one of them has a portable toilet when she can’t make it to the actual bathroom….Ugh. My visits were few before when they had the big house, they are gonna be nil now. My kid has no room to play, she has to be quiet due to the other neighbors downstairs…Plus let’s not forget the two dogs and ten cats crammed in there…

And ya know, amidst all that, my mom and her roommates biggest gripe was not being able to get the cable turned on til Sunday and they can’t find their remotes to even watch dvds. Um…If you’re stupid enough to buy a 42 inch LCd flat screen, you deserve no cable or dvds. Seriously, most people aren’t out buying such things then two days later calling family about how they’re starving cos they couldn’t afford to buy food. That infuriates me to no end. Food first, then you watch and old CRT set which will last 15-20 years without needing a single fucking repair. If you buy a flat panel,. you deserve the issues that come with it.

Yeah, I AM salty and vindictive me, sue me. You’ll be lucky to get belly button lint out of me.

To add further to my “people are assholes” rant…R sent me two texts, I didn’t hear the first. ( I reiterate this new tracfone is absolute shit) I responded to the second as soon as I got it. To which he replied, “Oh, you wait til I am home to return my message?” Um…I was driving, for fuck’s sake, and I can’t hear shit over a v-8 engine, a yapping child, and the music I play in hopes she will sing along with it and stop distracting me. (Yeah, almost had another wreck cos she was so busy yapping I got confused which blinker someone had on, pulled out, and they were turning that way so this time, I am the c*nt.)

I sent a text explaining all this but never did hear so much as a fuck you back. Yet if he takes two days to return a text from me, I should be thankful he even found the time then. I don’t even know what the fuck that is other than being a narcissistic asshole.

I need out of this place. I’m not doing the “grass is greener on the other side” thing. I’ve known since childhood I don’t belong here. It’s killing me slowly, same as the mental bullshit. Throw in a non supportive family where the assholes are favored…SOMEONE ADOPT ME AND MY KID AND GET US THE FUCK OUTTA HERE!

Tis 11 p.m. I took the Melatonin and Xanax over an hour ago. It should be kicking in yet my mind is still churning (much like my stomach has been doing all day). I spent an hour earlier just laying in bed, thinking how empty and broken I feel without Abby and Arsenic. That’ll teach me to ever get attached to anything again.

They can’t  be replaced and I can’t afford it, but I think a new kitten to focus on would probably be very healthy for me, mentally. It’s not being disloyal to the loves I’ve lost, it’s just a very sad aching soul seeking some sort of reinforcement that life is worthwhile. Not my fault cats prove that to me more than people do.

I reiterate- Calgon, take me the fuck away!

I’m gonna try that sleep thing. My kid didn;t zonk til almost ten so I predict the morning is gonna be all out war with Spook the grouch. Arghh.

I wanna be a pirate so I can drink rum before noon and I want a foul mouthed parrot on my shoulder to tell people to fuck off when my social programming vetoes my true feelings.

Mostly I’d really appreciate it if a wizard would just make the bipolar and anxiety go the fuck away. I don’t think such a wand so magic exists even in fiction.


Protected: Pills Like Candy: Chapter 5

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