Daily Archives: September 3, 2015

pre blog

Originally posted on flotsam, jetsam, found objects :
This post is stuff from the past few months, from now I’ll be posting once a day at most.

MEDS COCKTAIL PARTY SEPTEMBER 10th World Suicide Prevention Day

Originally posted on my spanglish familia:
I’m hosting a party here at my spanglish familia on Thursday, September 10th, 2015 WHAT IS IT?  It’s a blog event to promote awareness of suicide prevention, to mingle and meet others, promote your blog, get out of your comfort zone or isolation and get your message out there.…

Save Absinthe!

Originally posted on TRASH DIARIES:
Edit: Abby required emergency care on 9/1/15 and the cost to treat her has increased because of this. Morgue and Spook are still accepting donations, so please help her in any way you can: donation, sharing link, prayers! This kitty is still fighting to make it and we want to do…

Deflated, Defeated, and Disgusted

Days like today serve to remind me why I so loathe and reject the sunshine spewers. That way may work for them but the instant I let myself feel joy, relief, like there was hope…

I get smacked down with a whole new plethora of issues.

I was on cloud nine after hearing Abby had survived the night and was responding well to treatment. I even put on eyeliner, because after a sleepless night bawling and bargaining my life for hers with a God I don’t even believe in because I’ve been offered so little to even spawn a modicum of faith…It felt like for once my prayers had been answered.

I waited and waited for three hours for the promised call from the vet’s office. My panic was paralyzing, figuring if they hadn’t called, it must be bad news. I wanna know. I can’t stand to know. Back and forth. I finally broke down (good thing cos the doctor wasn’t even in today to call me as promised and the office staff didn’t even think to do it, ffs.) Hearing good news and that my balance was within what I could repay to R…I was ecstatic and ready to punch myself for being so negative…

THEN I went to see Abby at lunch. They let me hold her, walk around, talk to her. I was so happy, so filled with love and joy and relief…She looks pretty rough and is still weak, but she knew her momma and she purred…

Then came the kick in the gut.

“The doctor plans on keeping her several more days, she needs surgery for the abscess but she’s not strong enough to survive it right now.”

Then came the estimate which is about two and a half times the initial quote and what the fundraiser gathered. I was incensed, because the woman I spoke with this morning said NOTHING of surgery. She told me Abby was healing and the doctor would give a yay or nay on sending her home tomorrow. Now I’m looking at five days of shelter and surgery and…

WHY WHY WHY? If they’d seen her last week when I begged them to it wouldn’t have gotten so bad this was even needed. What the fucking hell motherfuckers?

R said he won’t allow the charges to his card to exceed what I have gathered which means…if I don’t find a way to come up with the full bill, they’re not gonna give my cat back to me. I don’t know how that is even legal, I left the hospital with a human baby and still owing money, ffs.

Just so fucking frustrating to be fed one story then another and never know what the goddamn reality is. I want Abby healthy and home and I thought I’d managed that with so much kindness from others…Now this dickhead doctor, after giving one quote yet knowing the situation was this dire, gives me an even bigger total. Livid doesn’t begin to describe it and frankly, I’m starting to feel like a low life for even doing the fundraiser. Because the vet gives me one quote, then they change it, then they change it again, then they jack it up…And who looks like a flaky asshole? Right, me, the one who simply wants to keep a beloved family member alive. FUCK.

To make matters so much worse…I returned home to find Arsenic has, in less than 18 hours, gone down the drain. This kitten was up and about yesterday, climbing, yowling, stealing food right out of my hand, so bright eyed and alert…And overnight, he’s now knocking on death’s door. (Exactly how it happened with all his siblings, which makes me wonder if it was due to them being a first litter and sibling inbred at that.)  I just don’t get it. I’ve given him vitamin drops, I scrubbed him with Dawn and picked every flea carcass off with tweezers. I’ve done everything to keep this cat alive.

It makes me wonder if this is the balance- Abby lives, Arsenic dies. Voodoo vanishes, Willow returns after three weeks MIA only now she barely wants anything to do with us.

My life is unstable enough without all this shit. I am so sick of opening myself up only to get my heart smashed.

Optimism make work for some people.

For me, it’s like deliberately choosing to walk a tightrope with poor balance and no net. The tiniest thing can tip me over and SPLAT. Today proved that. Beyond doubt. I dared to sing the praises of happiness and shiny things only to have life backhand me with a concrete fist.

Rather than carry on about it anymore…I am ceding defeat. I am exhausted after being up all night worrying about Abby. I feel foolish for ever letting that shiny happy bullshit into my vicinity because it has caused more damage than good. Reality isn’t shiny or happy most of the time.

Bedtime. Fuck it. Arsenic is dying. Abby is alive. And I’m soo financially screwed it ceases to even be par for the course. All because I dared to be optimistic, to have faith, to feel joy. If I’d just kept my healthy cynicism and wariness I wouldn’t be going down this rabbit hole.

Damn it all to hell.

This is the pic I snapped of Abby when I saw her today. I gotta hold onto that much though if the doctor holds her hostage over money…This could well be my breaking point. It ain’t gonna be pretty because this shitty year has rendered me barely human.

09-02-15_Abby at vet

The green is her abscess wound bandage. She looks rough but damn…she’s got spirit. She deserves a better human than me.

Oh, damn it, tears again…Stupid hormones and emotional attachments…Once again, thinking of that ending scene in Heathers…Blow it all the fuck up, light a smoke, and walk away.

Shiny happy, Morgue style.


A Bit Concerning

First there was Gen X.  Now there’s Gen Y.  What will happen after Gen Z?  Will everything go poof?  Will the clock turn over to “A”?  Or will it be, like, Z¹, Z², etc.?