So it is time for the big road trip to Tahoe! We leave tomorrow at noon or so and are gone for nine days.
I am excited but have my usual old bipolar fears. What if I get depressed? What if I can’t keep up? What if I lose my medicine? What if I cry right in the middle of something? What if something mean falls out of my mouth and my companions hear it?
But all of this is pretty silly. My husband takes two sets of my meds. If I get depressed I do. If I cry, I have Klonopin. If I say something mean I can apologize.
We are traveling with another couple. The husband is the kindest, nicest guy, but the wife talks non-stop. I really do like her and have known her thirty years or so. But man, can she talk!
I had to laugh at this story. This couple is really into wine. I like a glass of Chardonnay but that’s about it. My husband doesn’t really like wine at all. Anyway, this friend wants to spend time at a couple of favorite wineries up near Tahoe. So she CALLS them to tell them we are coming. For some reason this cracked me up. She plans on buying some cases of wine to bring home. This also cracks me up. We live by a Total Wine store which has like 9 million bottles of wine. Anyway, she’s a little kooky.
God, I am still really struggling with losing weight. I just seem to be staying the same even though I feel like I have made some big cuts in my consumption. I do cheat all the time, but my cheats aren’t as bad as they were. I desperately need an OA sponsor, but I just haven’t run into someone. I need someone sympathetic to mental illness. There has to be someone out there who had a bipolar brother or child and who would get it.
I go in to get weighed tomorrow and am not excited. And then we have nine days of being on the road and eating. I am going to do the very best I can do. That’s all I can do.
I get angry at myself for allowing my weight to get so out of hand. I know a great deal of it is/was the psych meds. My doctor and husband says they couldn’t worry about weight as they were too busy keeping me alive during those days. I agree with them. But the aftermath is still very hard.
I have been having some tough mornings. I wake at six and have incredible anxiety about the day. I just lie there and sort of panic. It’s like I am frozen and can’t get up. My husband sleeps till about eight, so if I get up I am alone and that makes the thoughts worse. I have actually woken up at six and popped two Klonopin just to calm down. I see my doctor in a few weeks and will talk to him about it.
My husband read something interesting the other day. He read that one of the characteristics of very happy people was that they attended church. As a matter of fact, that was the number one indicator of happiness. I don’t know if I believe this but I do feel better when I go to church. I think this article said it’s not so much the religious part as it is belonging to a group. I can believe that. So if you need more happiness in your life, try some sort of group. Maybe not church, but whatever works for you.
I’ve had a couple of depression days. Black days. It came over me suddenly a few days ago. It got worse as I went through the day. Of course I started crying. I was smart, though, I picked three friends who understood depression and texted them. You know what one friend said? “I am here for you. How can I help? Do you want me to come over? Do you want me to call you?”
This is EXACTLY what I needed to hear. So if you ever have a depressed friend call you, try saying that. All I needed from her was a phone call. It made a huge difference for me. I didn’t even need or want a visit. Just someone to acknowledge how I was feeling. I told her what a good friend she was. She suffers from major depressive disorder so she really gets it.
I was really worried I would not make it to my final quilting class. This would have been bad news as I “simply” (I use that term loosely) had to learn how to get the binding on the dumb thing. But I got my act together and went and learned what I needed to. Sewing binding is sort of interesting. You don’t simply sew a ribbon of fabric around the quilt. You have to sew a big strip with bias and then put it on. You then flip it over and HAND SEW the other side to the back.
I had no idea there was hand sewing involved. You have to sew all the way around the thing. My hands are fairly shaky. I’m going to give it my best shot. I’m taking it to Tahoe so when I have some spare time I can work on it. But then it is finished. The Recovery Quilt.
My next sewing plan is to finish my fall and Christmas envelope pillow covers. Then I am taking a Halloween table runner class. In October I am starting a new crib sized quilt class. I hear this teacher is the quilt police. She makes you rip a lot of stuff out.
My youngest Danny is driving me crazy. He is giving me backtalk and not doing his chores. (This kid is 21.) At least he is in school and not on drugs that we know of. Kids! Do they ever grow up?
I’ll talk to you all next week. Pray for road safety on our trip…I get nervous on the freeways.