You Understand, Don’t You?

When you invite friends to come over at 8, are excited about it all day, then, at 6:15, you’re overcome by inexplicable tiredness, mental and physical.

When you hate all you clothes and try outfits on for a solid hour, just to decide on leggings and a comfy t-shirt which you will grouse about internally all night ’cause you look boring.

When you were filled to spilling with thoughts to share but got struck down by a puzzling silence when you finally got the chance to share them.

When you realize the imaginary conversation you were having in your head on the bus is not imaginary ’cause you’ve been gesticulating the whole time.

When one half of you can’t hold the other half up.

When you don’t know what to say next, but you know you want to say something.

When your birthday dinner becomes a depressing reminder of your and your loved ones’ mortality, prompting you to take a ponderous walk through your old neighborhood that does nothing but leave you feeling totally fucking impotent.

When you can’t take a nap in your contacts.

When someone sends you a bouquet of flowers as a gift and the bouquet has lilies in it, the smell of which is intensely evocative of funeral homes and just make you think of death.

When you feel like an ungrateful shit for nitpicking a gift of flowers.

When you visit the athletic track where your dad collapsed and died and think poetic garbage like how a bunch of college students are now stomping all over his final breath and have no fucking idea.

When you notice that the neighboring church bells never adjusted for daylight saving.

When the only things you really want are completely unreasonable.

When other people treat you like their therapist because they can’t be bothered to get their own.

When the line between becoming someone’s unwilling therapist and simply being a shoulder to cry on is too goddamned blurry so you either let it nourish your messiah complex or start making up lies about needing to get off the phone.

When you know what you know about yourself and know that you’d rather not know it, but still don’t care whether or not it’s true.

So, I can’t be 100% Laura this evening. But I’m gonna try really hard, K? Careful, though, this introspection is pretty catching.

-LB

Tagged: anxiety, death, depression, energy, self, social life, support

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