Daily Archives: August 13, 2015

Bipolar1Blog: Over 10,000 views in a year!

Well my blog reached more than 10,000 views in a year, sometimes yesterday it seems. That means my blog posts have been seen over 10,000 times! I’d been keeping an eye on the number, waiting till it reached 10,000. It’s a pretty amazing milestone and I have a big smile on my face as I type this :-)))

10,123 VIEWS!!!


Round up of published articles

Originally posted on Yve's Corner:

When I do get a chance to blog elsewhere, I do it. I never know when the mania fuels me to drive my passion to help, nor do i know when the fists of depression will clench its fists over my soul. I’m dramatic, but I love it.

I’ve written three posts for BP Hope magazine and two of them have been published recently [One and two]. The article about how to get your life on track (one) has been doing tremendously well and has over 2100 views. I’m hoping for the same for the other post which was published today.

The first one also made it’s way to South African shores when it was accepted by the kind Monique Warner to be published on the rapidly growing and successful All4Women website. You can find the article here.

That’s it. You thought there were more?

Oh, uhm…

View original 13 more words


Finding My Beauty

Finding My Beauty
  

Isn’t ironic that actress, Linda Hamilton, best known as Sarah Connor from the movie Terminator and played the leading role on the TV series Beauty and The Beast was later diagnosed with bipolar at the age of 40. I admire her courage for publicly announcing on Larry King about her disorder. I find it interesting when she admitted the signs of her illness during her first marriage, reared its beastly self during pregnancy. How beauty turned into her own beast.

That is exactly when I felt my own behavioral change as well. Could it be that the release of hormones while pregnant exacerbates bipolar disorder or was it just my age that helped lend entering into the beasts cave?  I distinctly remember thinking that these behavioral reactions never were so pronounced as then. Yet, I was the least bit alarmed. I felt my reactions were justified. I’m right and the whole world is to blame.

Today, the beast in me is faced wih the shame in the aftermath. Yes, the men were poor choices. I was drawn to the needy, thinking I could nurture to change despite my knowledge that I am incapable of changing anyone. Instead, I went broke supporting them. Sometimes money suddenly disappeared from my account. And that’s just the financial aspect. Allow me to skip the painful abuse I endured.

Rick Hanson,PhD.and Richard Mendius,MD states “your mind is built from experiences you have.” taken from the book Buddha’s Brain. “Implicit memory” is your “expectations, models of relationships, emotional tendencies, and general outlook.” The idea that something tragic or negative will make you stronger. I never agreed with that notion. All I ever felt from these emotional traumas is a numbness that “the pain was so big, I felt nothing all.” ( John Lennon) How could I dismiss the horror when I was filled with so much fear?  

My support team says I need to find the positive experiences rather than suppress them as a negative experience. Seriously? “Look for the beauty”. Ha! Where is the beauty in the beast I’ve become?  

I’ve been working on this homework for weeks now. And I am moving forward in recovery by “internalizing the positive”. Imagine that, I am finding the good in my daily life. The enormous gratitude for the loved ones who stood by me. The look of unconditional love in the eyes of my husband when he looks into my eyes, the laugher when viewing older video tapes. The beauty in past experiences before the rabbit hole began. The laughter and beautiful smile I should strive to reestablish.

Dr. Hanson and Dr. Mendius recommends to “savor the experience.”An example is “when someone is good to you, let the feeling warm your heart, throughout your chest.” Savor the moment. As my therapist classifies me, I am a “newborn” in the healing of recovery. “You have all the skills, a hefty toolbox to work from.” The phrase from Tibetan Buddhism-The clearing of these (skills) is a progressive process of training, purification and transformation.  

  
Can it be that I can calm the beast within? In conclusion by Dr. Hanson and Mendius, virtue, mindfulness, and wisdom are the pillars of everyday wellbeing. Is it working? All I can tell you is that my family are reacting positively and my smile is returning without effort. It’s the best direction I’ve had in a long time and I’m enjoying the beauty. So long to the beast. Will she return? Possibly but, I have the strategies and skills to deal with her.

Finding My Beauty

Finding My Beauty
  

Isn’t ironic that actress, Linda Hamilton, best known as Sarah Connor from the movie Terminator, played the TV role called Beauty and The Beast. How ironic that Linda was diagnosed as being bipolar at the age of 40. I admire her courage for publicly announcing on Larry King about her bipolar. I find it interesting when she admitted the signs of her illness , during her first marriage reared it’s beastly self during her pregnancy. How beauty turned into her own beast.

That is exactly when I felt my own behavioral changes as well. Could it be that the release of hormones in pregnancy exacerbates bipolar disorder or was it just my age that helped lend to the beast entrance? I distinctly remember thinking that these behavioral reactions of obvious highs and lows wasn’t so pronounced as before. Yet, I was the least bot alarmed. I felt my reactions were justified and most of it was it’s how I reacted to them wasn’t.

Today, the beast in me is the shame I deal with the most. Yes, the men were poor choices. I was drawn into the needy thinking I could nurture to change despite my knowledge that I am incapable of changing anyone. Instead, I went broke supporting them. Sometimes money suddenly disappears from my account. And that’s just the financial aspect. Allow me to skip the painful abuse I endured.

Rick Hanson,PhD.and Richard Mendius,MD states “your mind is built from experiences you have.” taken from the book Buddha’s Brain. “Implicit memory” is your “expectations, models of relationships, emotional tendencies, and general outlook.” The idea that something tragic or negative will make you stronger. I never agreed with that notion. All I ever felt from these emotional traumas is a numbness that “the pain was so big, I felt nothing all.” ( John Lennon) How could I dismiss the horror when I was filled with so much fear?  

My support team says I need to find the positive experiences rather than suppress them as a negative experience. Seriously? “Look for the beauty”. Ha! Where is the beauty in the beast I’ve become?  

I’ve been working on this homework for weeks now. And I am moving forward in recovery by “internalizing the positive”. Imagine that, I am finding the good in my daily life. The enormous gratitude for the loved ones who stood by me. The look of unconditional love in the eyes of my husband when he looks into my eyes, the laugher when viewing older video tapes. The beauty in past experiences before the rabbit hole began. The laughter and beautiful smile I should strive to reestablish.

Dr. Hanson and Dr. Mendius recommends to “savor the experience.”An example is “when someone is good to you, let the feeling warm your heart, throughout your chest.” Savor the moment. As my therapist classifies me, I am a “newborn” in the healing of recovery. “You have all the skills, a hefty toolbox to work from.” The phrase from Tibetan Buddhism-The clearing of these (skills) is a progressive process of training, purification and transformation.  

  
Can it be that I can calm the beast within? In conclusion by Dr. Hanson and Mendius, virtue, mindfulness, and wisdom are the pillars of everyday wellbeing. Is it working? All I can tell you is that my family are reacting positively and my smile is returning without effort…or is it. It’s the best direction I’ve had in a long time and I’m enjoying the beauty. So long to the beast. Will she return? Possibly but, I have the strategies and skills to deal with her.

Tool kit



For people like us, with mood disorders, managing our moods is paramount. Not being dragged to the ends of the earth by our moods is paramount. Zen Buddhism is a good tool for us, a powerful tool for us, to manage our unruly emotions. What Pema Chodron is teaching is a powerful tool for us. Our medications are the most powerful, but meditation, relaxation, the tenets of Buddhism, the not allowing yourself to be hooked, these in conjunction with our meds can help us live less emotional, more sane lives.


Another close call with an 18 wheeler

I am absolutely not trying to be a drama queen, this really happened! I was driving to the airport yesterday, in Buffalo, to get my flight back to Louisville. They have rotaries there now, and when I got to the rotary from Aero Drive to Holtz Drive, I was going to go to the right, around the circle when I saw a UPS 18 wheeler driving around the rotary from my left, he was exiting on to Holtz as I was entering. At the last minute he decided to come the same way as I was going, I mean come into the circle where I was. I don’t know how he didn’t hit me. I was driving a Nissan with not much pickup, I sped up as much as I could and somehow avoided being hit. After that happened, of course, I was a bit shocked. The radio was playing, the sun was shining, the amazing clouds were scudding about, and seconds ago, I was almost in an accident which I seriously don’t think I would have survived!

My first thought was, would my son know how much I loved him if I was gone? Thankfully, the answer was yes. Secondly, I went down the list of everyone I love and with whom I am friends, would they know how much I loved them? Have I apologized for any transgressions against anyone? Again the answer was Yes!

I am so happy to be here, and also to realize that if I had not survived in that moment, I could have gone knowing all my loved ones knew I loved them and I’d tried to make amends where I had erred.

Is this the way we should live life? Perhaps. It may not be such a bad way to live, always making sure people you love knew it, and whether inadvertently, or not, if you upset anyone, making amends for it.


Mental Health Munchausen’s?

Munchausen syndrome is a factitious disorder, a mental disorder in which a person repeatedly and deliberately acts as if he or she has a physical or mental illness when he or she is not really sick. Munchausen syndrome is considered a mental illness because it is associated with severe emotional difficulties. (Links don’t work, just a copy and past job.)

An article sparked this line of thought in which it claims some mental health patients exaggerate their symptoms, in an effort for attention and sympathy. While I don’t dispute society does have hypochondria, attention seeking behaviors, as well as Munchausen syndrome, is it really that prevalent or is this an excuse they use when patients prove med resistant and therapy doesn’t cure them?

I can only speak from my own personal perspective and I can assure you…There is NOTHING exaggerated about my long battle with mental health issues. I am in introvert, very private (unless, ya know, using a pen name on the internet) so if it’s bad enough for me to cry uncle and actually seek treatment and splay myself open that way…It’s the real deal.

With the stigma attached to mental disorders, it is unfathomable to me that anyone would choose it as a way to seek attention. The only attention it gets you is negative and hindering. Admitting you have a mental illness, can in some cases, be as good as confessing to leprosy. They haven’t sent us to an island YET but, you get the gist. I’m tied of having my intelligence questioned, as if bipolar depression somehow negates me being anything but below average in intelligence. So it’s just not easy for me to imagine anyone, no matter how disturbed, CHOOSING this as a way to get attention.

There has not been a moment in my struggles with this mental shit that made me feel anything but degraded, isolated, and somehow tainted. Is there really a dignified way to confess to anyone that your anxiety is so bad, you can’t go out because diarrhea keeps you tied to a bathroom? Is it so awesome to go on a date and get so nervous, you puke over the side of a boat? Does showing up to a job interview drenched in nervous sweat in spite of six applications of industrial antiperspirant seem like a way to impress someone?

How about the six plus month long depressions in which you stop bathing, stop grooming, wear clothes you slept in, and either stare off into space or curl up in a closet bawling? I mean, how much pride can one take in admitting that? You lose friends, jobs, significant others because you’re so far down the rabbit hole they either can’t cope or they’re getting dragged down by their inability to do anything to help you so they flee the scene.

Oh and the pleasant manic episodes. Oh, yes, your energy boils over. You’re to the moon with happiness even when your grandpa dies, your car breaks down, and you have to eat ramen for a week. Nothing can get you down. You are ten feet tall and bulletproof. You are riding around on a pegacorn, touching the clouds and taking nibbles like it’s cotton candy. You talk too fast, you have big ideas, you spend money you don’t have. There is NO tomorrow, only this moment where you feel like motherfucking Godzilla  on steroids and could stomp major cities with a single foot. Oh, and the added bonus of hypersexuality where you flash your boobs at a concert, wake up with some troll you’d otherwise have told to die in a fire…Then there’s ya know, failing to show up for work for a couple of days and you forgot to call but it’s okay, ‘cos nothing is gonna bring you down!

And the added bonus is..YOU GET TO LIVE WITH THE SHAME OF YOUR BEHAVIOR, AND ITS REPERCUSSIONS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

Why anyone would choose to fake or amp up mental illness is beyond me. But I guess that’s the thing. They get to choose. The rest of us didn’t get a choice, we just got smacked upside the head with the slab of concrete that is mental illness.

Ya know, if you wanna by a ticket for the doubledecker suck bus of life with mental illness, whatever moves your furniture.

But when you do shit like that…It’s harmful to those who truly have a disorder and it makes you an asshole.

 

 


A Wake Up Call!

Buddha

A new day

New possibilities to act in new ways

Shed the past, it’s over, don’t have to keep replaying it

Yesterday is gone, today you start again

Yesterday’s dramas and emotions are gone, you have a new slate

Don’t waste today thinking about what’s done

Live it the best way you can, with joy, and laughter

A habit, forever after

(Stole the picture from Christian Mihai at http://cristianmihai.net/)


bipolar: a new entrance to an old rabbit hole

They yap on about how markets and economies are bipolar all the damn time, but of course, there is a real live and dinkum bipolar market – and there will be as long as there’s cash involved. You may have read theories that bipolar disorder is the most expensive medical disorder to treat. I don’t […]

Today Has Been Fun

It’s been another runaround day.  Had to take the middle child to get her passport application in so she can go to Barcelona, London, and Paris next spring for a  school trip.  Then I took her to the doctor for a sinus infection.  SO today has already been interesting.  Need to do laundry and other various and sundry housework things since I’m off restrictions.

My blog is so close to 5,000 views.  I really want to hit that milestone before i hit the one year anniversary of the blog.  I think it will make a difference to an agent to cross that metaphysical wall of 5,000 views.  At least I hope so.  I’ll start sending out to selected agents once I pass that milestone.  We will see how it goes.

Need to go get my laptop today.or tomorrow.  I need time to familiarize myself with it before class starts.  Get my email and everything set up on it.

I still feel funny about the word “remission”.  TO me that implies that I should be able to do more than I currently feel capable of.  I just don’t know how to realistically assess my own functioning right now.  I’m not sleeping during the day like I was during the summer.  So that is good.  But I still don’t feel like I could work full-time yet.  Or anything like that.  I guess that’s what I would call the proof that I’m really better–that I could work.  Hopefully once I finish this Master’s program I will have more years of stability under my belt and will be able to do something with it.