Monthly Archives: August 2015

GoFundMe: Help Me Save my Kitty’s Life

My beautiful picture

This is Absinthe, AKA, Abby-Sin, before she got so sick.

My beautiful picture

This is Abby,after draining the abscess. She couldn’t swallow or eat for three days so she wasted away even though I was feeding her by eye dropper.

Per suggestion by a follower, I started a campaign to help fund a vet visit for Absinthe, after multiple calls to vets within a 50 mile radius all resulted in the ver batim response: “It will be close to three hundred dollars because we have to examine, treat for fleas, give her all the normal shots, as well as the antibiotic.” I tried to explain my financial predicament as a single disabled mother and inquired about charities, but alas there are none in this rural area. I even  pondered turning her over to the non kill shelter so she could be treated even if it meant placement elsewhere…They told me they are full of kitties and I should call the pound, which euthanizes any pet not adopted in a week.

I can’t do it, I cannot abandon Abby. She is such a sweet natured, loving kitty, she deserves every effort I can make to save her life. Anyone who donates, even fifty cents, will receive a copy of the bill of what is spent to make her healthy as well as a picture of her when she is recovered. You will also receive the coveted Spork Of Gratitude.

http://www.gofundme.com/qd34kzkc

Fifty cents, a dollar- whatever. PLEASE HELP US SAVE ABBY, MY DAUGHTER AND I LOVE HER SO MUCH, SHE IS FAMILY.

For those who you use social media and know animal lovers, put that link out there. For Absinthe, not for me. This is about her. She has fought so hard to survive when even I had lost faith…HELP OUR KITTY, PLEASE.

And since this gofundme thing is new to me, excuse any mistakes I have made. I just want to help Abby, she has been my pillow companion at bedtime for months and she deserves better than my broke ass can give her. Forget me…Think of that gorgeous calico kitty.

:)


Questions

So I asked two friends of mine also in recovery about my confusion over “remission”.  Both responded with good points.  Mary said that I needed to research the concept, looking up exactly how my doctor might be using the term.  I did and found that remission simply menus a restoration of functioning of a certain percentage.  SO it is not an absence of symptoms but  a lessening of their impact on functioning.  Lord knows I have improved a great deal over my lowest lows.

Mike said that he would celebrate his tenth year of sobriety In a month  and that while he thought that was great, stopping drinking didn’t’ solve all of his problems.  So he described it as “being cured” while still having issues to deal with.  I can relate to that explanation as well.

What ‘s been so disorienting to me is that my perspective changed so much. I went from someone dealing pretty well with a disabling condition to someone who was supposed to be dealing with issues so much better and failing.  Failing is not something I am good at or with.

I did get to the grocery store today and got most everything we needed. I don’t think I forgot anything important.  I did lie down this afternoon when I felt sleepy but stayed awake and just rested. I did a good bit of work on my class early this morning and feel good about that.  So I have some accomplishments to look back on.  I think by taking one day at a time, I can Manage to see what I can do and not do on a daily basis and try to not think too far ahead.


A Scary Leap: Writing Group with Bestselling Author Laura Davis

Laura Davis This Thursday I’m taking an emotional and financial risk, but it feels right & I’m excited! (And scared.) After winning a scholarship for the Catamaran Writing Conference, I participated in a creative nonfiction workshop in August. The twelve-hour-long class … Continue reading

The Shrink Cycle

There was a major war with my kid this morning. All over a t-shirt. The one she picked was small and showed her belly when she lifted her arms, a no no at school. So I told her t change shirts. Off to bloody races we went.She screamed, bawled, called me stupid over and over. I finally found a shirt and told her to put it on. She did. Seemed like she was going to calm down. Then she ripped the shirt off, threw it at me, and burst into another round of “you’re stupid”. So I went to physically grasp her with a hand behind her back since she was leaned against her bed and what does she do? She throws her weight back against me so she lands hard against the heavy bed frame and my hand and starts screaming ‘I’M TELLING THE SCHOOL YOU ABUSED ME!”

Yeah, it was that kind of morning. Then she launched into panic about being late but she was the one still having a tantrum and I wasn’t about to take her to school like that, nor drive with her acting that way. Eventually got her there, walked her to the office just in case she was late. She wasn’t. Now I’m just waiting for protective services to show up. She had me in  fucking tears.

I made the mistake of going to the shop to lean on my “friend”, ya know, R,  the preaching “I raised three kids and they all turned out successful.” I asked for his advice. He said nothing. I asked again. Again, he said nothing but shrugged. Yet when he’s here, he’s got all sorts of ideas on how to parent “right.” What the fuck? I need some comfort and guidance, he’s got nothing. I want him to butt out, he can’t shut up.

Suffice it to say, between her, him, and up and down all night with the itchy skin and the drowning in sinus drainage…By the time I hit the shrink’s office…I burst into tears. I was just that beaten down. He asked me how things are. I asked, “You want the truth or you want the glossed over version?” He said truth. And so I started to pour it all out.

He listened. Twenty whole minutes. He suggested I get Spook in at the counseling place and they’d determine if she needs meds for the aggressive outbursts. Bad side- guess who is their staff child psychologist? If you guessed R’s know it all daughter, you win what’s behind door number two. This woman has been uber critical of me at every social event where Spook and I were there on a personal level. This is a woman who spanked her baby at four months old. But she’s got the fancy master’s degree and…Seriously, this is my option? She’s got so many anger issues of her own, it’s like taking Dahmer to be treated for cannibalism by a tribe who practices it as a lifestyle. FOR FUCK’S SAKE.

I mentioned this conflict and he said I could always ask for D, specifically, who is a counselor rather than psychologist, but there’s no guarantee I’d get her. It’s food for thought.

I told him about my lack of family support. How worn down I am and I wasn’t this bad last year in spite a ton of stuff that was going wrong in my life. He mentioned an outpatient program in another town. Yeah, ‘cos I can get a sitter, and afford to drive fifty miles a day for four weeks. It’s a lovely notion but not feasible at this time.

He raised my Cymbalta to 120 a day, left everything else the same. Even the Restoril which I explained I couldn’t really take, but that went in one ear and out the other. I mentioned the disability review and he was pretty confident that while I would have to see a doctor of their choosing, he has well documented my problems and that they won’t cut me off. Ha. He doesn’t know how the system works. Still, it’s nice to know he sides with me cos I really am in sucky shape.

THEN because it was really a thorn in my paw, I lamented all the shiny happy spewage out there regarding mental illness that results in more stigma and makes us feel worse. Like 12 Step Programs for Mental Health. Cos basically a 12 step program is admitting you’ve done something wrong. Even he agreed it’s a disservice because none of us asked for this. He made the point that if we had a VISIBLE illness, things would be very different. But only those who suffer, are with someone who suffers, or treats someone who suffers, can understand the devastating toll and just how real it is. He said it’s wrong to boil it all down to positive attitude.

By the time I left, I wanted to do a cartwheel. FINALLY a professional who saw my outrage for what it was rather than calling it pessimism. Seriously, a 12 step program for mental illness? What have we done wrong to need such a thing? Sure, our bad behaviors during certain cycles must be rectified, but it’s not like we ever set out to be evil or destructive so WHY A 12 PROGRAM FOR SOMETHING WE DIDN’T CHOOSE? It’s mind boggling how much of this shit is floating around out there. Makes me wonder how many seriously mentally ill people read how Biff and Buffy simply changed their outlook and dressed nicer and they were all cured, so the sick person killed themselves. Sound dramatic? It’s really not. Much like fat shaming, especially by those who used to be heavy, shaming the mentally ill is wrong. Most of these sunshine spewers don’t even have a long history of suffering so I imagine it was far easier for them to make some changes and come out shiny and happy.

It just angers me to have such a real battle so trivialized, and to have it out there where some depressed kid might see it, decide it’s fact rather than opinion, and give up on themselves to a drastic end result.

Aside from him setting the next appt for two months and blowing off the seasonal with the light therapy thing…It was an ok appointment. I didn’t have my list, of course, because of Spook’s fit preventing me from running to print it out. But I think crumbling before his eyes was more telling. I didn’t plan it that way, because if you cry, you’re attention seeking, unstable, too emotional. You know how we get blamed for having emotions,letting alone letting them out. Today it all just boiled over. And he didn’t lambaste me for admitting things are pretty bad.

Which just proves…Opinions are like assholes- everyone has one and they all stink. Just because it’s on the internet doesn’t make it true. Disclaimers should have to be included on shiny happy posts same as triggering posts. Cos shiny happy is skull and crossbones biohazard toxic to me and I will no longer be reading them.

If this offends any shiny happy people, too bad. I am deeply offended by you posting in mental health then deducing it all to prayer and positive attitude. We don’t have to agree but I no more expect you to read my downtrodden posts that bring you down, so I won’t feel bad for avoiding the shiny happy stuff when I am down and out.

I may write depressing things but that’s because I HAVE DEPRESSION. I may be a negative bitch, but I am okay with that.

Least it’s truthful.


It’s Time to Write

It's time to write.
It's time to write.
It's time to write.

I've told myself that so many times over the last few months.  And, yet, still I haven't.

Why?

I'm not sure.  I have lots to say, but I just can't make myself write.  I even know how I want to say the things in my head.  I just can't make myself do it.

Maybe it's because the things I plan to write aren't the things I need to write.  My heart isn't exploding with the ideas.

In fact, I'm sure that's what it is.  It's amazing how things can become so clear when I just start writing.

See.  I was right.  It was time to write.

‘Independent’ newspaper FB post and my comment

This just popped-up on Facebook. I couldn’t let it go without commenting.

http://i100.independent.co.uk/article/people-are-sharing-this-powerful-message-for-anyone-whos-thought-im-better-off-dead–WyKeZOlwHl

“Sorry, it doesn’t work like that. This isn’t a wholly conscious thing, the desperation and desire to die. It’s an illness; a driving, at cellular level. Hopelessness, ‘I’m better off dead’.. this is par for the course for those who endure depression/BP day after day, year after year. There’s no ‘thought’ involved; it just is, it just seems the natural thing to be done. By the time it happens, thought and reason have long-since left the metaphorical building.


What meds have you NOT taken?

pill headThat’s the question my psychiatrist asked me yesterday, because it’s easier for me to list what I have not taken, than the multitude of meds I’ve tried over the years. He decided to add a low dose of gabapentin, which I have taken in the past but at a higher dose and not for the purpose of a mood stabilizer. Which brings me to another subject…my own surprising ignorance (not to say I know everything) about the purpose of a mood stabilizer. My understanding was that a mood stabilizer makes one “flat.” Instead, he described it as an accordion. People with mood disorders have broad and unreasonable swings of depression and mania; while “normal” people also have mood swings, they’re just not as drastic. The mood stabilizer, when prescribed correctly, will act as an accordion to push those out-of-control moods into a more manageable range.

My feelings of not trying hard enough were discussed as well.  He said he wouldn’t put it that way, but I do need to force myself to do more non-medical/non-traditional self-care (this is why I love my holistic psychiatrist). Starting the DBT class next week will be helpful, but exercise and doing things I used to enjoy (even though I may think I don’t want to do them) will be vital to the prevention of sliding all the way back down the other side of the hill.

So I’ve tucked my new bottle of pills into my arsenal and have begun my trek back up from where I stopped my slide. When the alarm went off this morning, I put on my shorts and my sneakers, grabbed my iPod, and went directly to my elliptical in the basement for 20 minutes. Then I had a healthy breakfast, and while drinking my small amount of coffee I wrote a reasonable to-do list (I usually end up with too much, then get overwhelmed) and ordered some posters (it’s boring to stare at a blank wall even though I listen to an audiobook).

climbing
Perseverence

Tagged: DBT, hope, medications-psychiatric, mood disorder, mood swings, self-care

What To Do with Dry Mouth

I have so many side effects against my having dry mouth. My medications is the main reason but, so can my diabetes. Dry mouth is known as xerostomia and I can’t seem to stimulate the production of my saliva no matter what I do. My mouth can become so dry that I have developed sore cracks in the corners of my mouth. Other symptoms like dry tongue, dry throat, and fissures on my tongue are just some of the discomforts.  I can even become hoarse or unable to form my words because of how dry I’ve become.

I don’t suffer from cervical nerve damage or an autoimmune syndrome. Every healthcare professional has no solution for me except to use lozenges and drink fluids. Apparently my age has some type of correlation to the my aliment. That’s nothing that I haven’t tried already. I do use a mouth wash for dry mouth after brushing my teeth and that does seem to have a short term effect of my symptoms.
Good dental hygiene also gives some relief.

That’s about all I can do. I hope that when some of my illnesses recover, such as diabetes and hypertention, I am able to relieve some of this discomfort. It is a frustrating discomfort but one I am willing to endure rather than stopping my psych meds.

What To Do with Dry Mouth

I have so many side effects against my having dry mouth. My medications is the main reason but, so can my diabetes. Dry mouth is known as xerostomia and I can’t seem to stimulate the production of my saliva no matter what I do. My mouth can become so dry that I have developed sore cracks in the corners of my mouth. Other symptoms like dry tongue, dry throat, and fissures on my tongue are just some of the discomforts.  I can even become hoarse or unable to form my words because of how dry I’ve become.

I don’t suffer from cervical nerve damage or an autoimmune syndrome. Every healthcare professional has no solution for me except to use lozenges and drink fluids. Apparently my age has some type of correlation to the my aliment. That’s nothing that I haven’t tried already. I do use a mouth wash for dry mouth after brushing my teeth and that does seem to have a short term effect of my symptoms.
Good dental hygiene also gives some relief.

That’s about all I can do. I hope that when some of my illnesses recover, such as diabetes and hypertention, I am able to relieve some of this discomfort. It is a frustrating discomfort but one I am willing to endure rather than stopping my psych meds.

Quench My Thirst, Please!

Quench My Thirst, Please!What to do about dry mouth

I have so many side effects against my having dry mouth. My medications is the main reason but, so can my diabetes. Dry mouth is known as xerostomia and I can’t seem to stimulate the production of my saliva no matter what I do. My mouth can become so dry that I have developed sore cracks in the corners of my mouth. Other symptoms like dry tongue, dry throat, and fissures on my tongue are just some of the discomforts.  I can even become hoarse or unable to form my words because of how dry I’ve become.  

I don’t suffer from cervical nerve damage or an autoimmune syndrome. Every healthcare professional has no solution for me except to use lozenges and drink fluids. Apparently my age has some type of correlation to the my aliment. That’s nothing that I haven’t tried already. I do use a mouth wash for dry mouth after brushing my teeth and that does seem to have a short term effect of my symptoms.
Good dental hygiene also gives some relief. 

That’s about all I can do. I hope that when some of my illnesses recover, such as diabetes and hypertention, I am able to relieve some of this discomfort. It is a frustrating discomfort but one I am willing to endure rather than stopping my psych meds.