Daily Archives: June 27, 2015

Medication and Mental Illness

Originally posted on Showcasing She:

To those of you, who have been recently diagnosed with any sort of mental illness, riding the roller coaster of medication regulation; hang in there.  I know how frustrating and nerve wracking it can be those first months trying to find the right medication or combination of medications to get you stabilized.  Let me tell you that, in the beginning, you will most often feel worse before you feel better.  You will feel like giving up and going off your medications altogether; don’t do it.  Finding the right recipe for your illness and circumstances will take time.

I know too well the ups and downs of medication management.  One drug is meant to stabilize your mood and is supposed to make you feel better while causing you to gain ungodly amounts of weight which just makes you feel horrible all over again.  Then there are those medications that zoot you…

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Creativity And Mental Illness

If you read this blog even semi regularly, then you know I’ve been in a neverending battle with a seasonal depression that won’t lift and so many med changes and reactions, I’m barely coherent. I muddle through but I’m fairly anhedonic and overwhelmed.

Add to this that I am a writer- fiction, novel length, type things and when writer’s block and a bad mental state hit simultaneously..Bad juju all around. Writing is my outlet. Blogging is mental spewage. I NEED my fiction, my world to escape to where my mental illness can’t taint me. Truth be told, though, sometimes it does taint my writing. My mental state dictates where my stories go, whether my characters remain consistent or moody, if I even follow my own loose plan of where I wanted to take it.

I reread my work and I can tell you exactly where I was in my mood cycle or anxiety cycle. If I am manic, that, too shows in my writing. It’s like torture to have the one thing I actually don’t suck at affected by my imbalances.

For weeks now I have bemoaned in this blog my frustration at the depression and anxiety, as well as the cursed writer’s block. I know if I could just lose myself in a world not my own, I might actually come out of the depression a little or if nothing else, be distracted enough not to wallow in my current mental health misery. I’ve tried. I sit down, stare at the blank page, taunted by that blinking cursor. It’s the same novel I started back in 2007 and I just keep writing hundreds of pages, blocking, starting over. My last long streak was in 2013, I wrote for eight straight months. Coincidentally, my doctor took away my anti depressant as the seasonal kicked in and I was on dual mood stabilizers. I fell apart. Yet my writing was like a virus flowing through my body and it just flowed. I want to, NEED to, finish this book. THIS one. Especially now that the Focalin is sort of helping me stay on track.

I sat down last night and faced the blank page. And nothing. Just more anger and frustration. So I said fuck it, laid down, tried to watch a crime documentary. But my mind wouldn’t slow down. I was like a woman possessed. I desperately needed to write. It hit me…Why not abandon the story consuming me and revisit an old one? It seemed pretty pointless.

By midnight, without really trying, I’d hammered out 15 pages. I don’t know if it’s drivel. I just let it flow until I hit a stopping point I was comfortable with. I will reread it today and go from there. The point is…FIFTEEN FREAKING PAGES. I thought about keeping it a short story and posting it in my blog in installments. But then I realized…Even while writing it with that in mind…I’m censoring myself. Trying not to be offensive when in fact, my writing is very offensive, laden with swearing and sex and all the dark stuff people relegate to the dregs of society. That’s who I am, that’s what I write. By trying to tame it down for public consumption I’ve betraying myself and it makes me feel shitty. I need to be true to myself.

So maybe not this blog. Maybe never any blog. I don’t know.

FIFTEEN PAGES.

Needless to say, I feel pretty good today. Not great as in mood, just…like I kicked down a brick wall. Creativity is fickle though. It may stick, it may not. I accomplished something. And not even my warped mental illness riddled mind could stop me, for once.

It’s cause for hope. I may just write for me. I don’t need accolades. I don’t particularly want attention. I just love to write. This blog was more of a way to find a support system for my mental health battle, not seeking attention. I write for the love of writing. And maybe that’s as it should be. Maybe that part of myself is just for me and by sharing it, I’d be allowing my soft underbelly to be open to attack. Perhaps I’m not that brave.

Yet.

I am always evolving. Who knows what is possible.

 

 


Slowly Does It

I’m starting to feel like I’m back to normal… except normal is something completely different now. I don’t know how to explain that exactly, but like. Every day is like all days, in that they’re like none of the days? Or maybe that’s my brain’s attempt to circle around the feeling of being in a rut, of being stuck, of sinking into depression…

I think part of the problem is that I’m doing too much, even if it’s not much by healthier peoples’ standards. My hair is finally re-redded, which was somehow a bigger spoon-sucker than I expected. I knew it would be a bit crap without a shower available, but anyways. This will hopefully take care of the hair issue for some time now, which is one of those semi-integral pieces of being ‘me’.

I’ve also, after yesterday, slammed face first into a wall of needing to not be around people whatsoever. It was my mother-in-law’s birthday yesterday, and it was wonderful to hang out with her… but it turned into like, a 6 hour visit and dinner and it was more than I had mentally prepared for. The littlest has been rather clingy lately too, which leads to both lovely snuggles and ‘dear god get it off of me’. The latter is where I am right now, and am grateful the husband-fellow is wrangling the kids. It’s hot and my bubble needs to regenerate, so I don’t want anyone clinging onto me more than I have to put up with. I wish I could handle it better so he could get a break too, but hopefully I will find those moments and be able to make them happen. But not right now. Right now the world needs to go away and not touch me for a little bit. *chuckles*

I’m also trying to spin my head ’round to getting ‘important’ things done, like checking the email account for The Bipolar Blogger Network. My brain has flat-out refused to deal with that lately, which means there’s probably a million emails, and repeat ‘where are you?!’ emails. Blargh. It also didn’t help that my brain was fixated on setting up another blog on a domain that I wasn’t using. The shell of that is up now at Raeyn.com, and should hopefully be a delightful exercise in snark and opinion. It’s an outlet that I think will be good for me to have, so feel free to check it out as y’all see fit.

For now though, a touch tired, a touch insomniatic. It’s also wicked hot for this country and supposed to get up to 90F over the next week, which is murderous with humidity and no air conditioning. At least we have screens over the windows, so we can get a good cross-breeze blowing through the lounge. With a bit of a breeze and the ceiling fans here in the lounge, it’s just about tolerable, though still draining and dehydrating. It’s definitely limping along, limp… limp… limp.

My mood is still mainly okay though. It’ll be better after my bubble has a bit of time to recharge. I’m glad that seems to take less time these days than it used to, since second kiddo means less time to myself. I’m about to get a few minutes now, so I am going to go enjoy that. 😀

I hope everyone is doing well out there. Hopefully I’ll start making the rounds a bit better again in the nearest future.

<3

another shitty day in africa

Whenever I have a guest, I take them to see elephants; I love being with them when they see their first African Elephant in its natural habitat. rg will blog better photos (including an animal that I couldn’t photograph with a phone, an animal that is usually impossible to see).

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Pushing Boundaries

Ventured into the dish today. Did a trip to Aldi. (Icky.) Took R’s meal to the shop, he had me fetch smokes but he bought me some, too, so all’s good. Went by the house. Had the new wifi set up in less than  twenty minutes. (He plugged the router in but didn’t bother adding the network to the computer with the new SSID and passcode, derp.)

Mrs R caught me off guard when she announced she was taking me and Spook to McDonald’s for lunch. Middle of lunch hour, in the room with the Playplace, noise, people…Thankfully I’d had a full mg of Xanax by then. It was uncomfortable, but even before we went in…She asked, “It’s pretty crowded, are you gonna be okay?” I’ve known her four years and she’s more grasping of my anxiety thing than R is and I’ve known him almost twenty years.

I managed. Spook played. All the shrieking kids was a little much for me, kind of made polite conversation difficult. BUT I MADE IT. I was proud of myself. And relieved to get back to my bubble. But rather than flake out, I pushed my own comfort zone and survived. For every time this happens, there are ten times when projectile vomiting and sweating panting breakdowns involved. Baby steps. I  keep trying, gotta count for something.

Wasn’t til after we got back Spook started channeling Satan. Guess she could tell the Xanax was worn off after the dish trip, what better time to act out. Oh, well.

Soon it will be bedtime and I can breathe. I’ve not revived enough to want to think beyond that. I’ve been through so many med changes in such a short time, it’s amazing I’m still upright and moderately coherent. I’ve got to stop putting so much pressure on myself. Maybe this doctor doesn’t think the meds have withdrawal or aftermath but as he’s never taken them personally, he is clueless. Probably gonna need a few weeks to straighten out. If I can do a trip to Mickey D’s during lunch hour even though my give a damn is busted…There’s hope, right?

I’m gonna go with it. Maybe it will add “delusional” to my diagnosis.