Daily Archives: June 24, 2015

Another Random Poem

Love ~ Czeslaw Milosz Love means to look at yourself The way one looks at distant things For you are only one thing among many. And whoever sees it that way heals his heart, Without knowing it, from various ills — A bird and a tree say to him: Friend. Then he wants to use […]

Art Therapy – Positive Affirmations

I haven’t been doing much. Finished some knitting. Going to yoga. Went out to the barn.

I got an idea to make a notebook full of positive affirmations. I used markers (watercolour and Sharpie), and chalk pastels. Here it is so far.

IMG_0174 IMG_0175 IMG_0176 IMG_0177 IMG_0178 IMG_0179 IMG_0180

Art Therapy – Positive Affirmations

I haven’t been doing much. Finished some knitting. Going to yoga. Went out to the barn.

I got an idea to make a notebook full of positive affirmations. I used markers (watercolour and Sharpie), and chalk pastels. Here it is so far.

IMG_0174 IMG_0175 IMG_0176 IMG_0177 IMG_0178 IMG_0179 IMG_0180

Art Therapy – Positive Affirmations

I haven’t been doing much. Finished some knitting. Going to yoga. Went out to the barn.

I got an idea to make a notebook full of positive affirmations. I used markers (watercolour and Sharpie), and chalk pastels. Here it is so far.

IMG_0174 IMG_0175 IMG_0176 IMG_0177 IMG_0178 IMG_0179 IMG_0180

More “Calling of Light” Up!

There’s more of the story up here.

If you are new to the story, start here.

Enjoy!

Comments are welcomed!

Comcast

Se we now have wifi.  My old laptop will not work on it, so my daughter is out trying to buy Google Chrome program to manually load onto it because we can’t get on the internet with it because our IE version is too old to work with wifi.  Se we will see how that works.  Had to buy an adapter to get the main computer to work but that wasn’t too much.

Today is going pretty well so far.  We spent the morning fooling with that, so it’s been a productive morning.  I’m not too sleepy today so that is good as well.  My oldest had to go into work early this morning, so she’s been gone all day.  She’ll have to set p her wifi when she gets home.  But she says she knows how, so we will not worry about that.

Almost done with my first book for my class this fall.  Only 11 more to go :)  I’ll make it though.  I’m able to read for  little longer at a time than I was before, so that is a nice change.  Hopefully that trend will continue.


Shrinkxiety

Shrinkxiety- that sinking panicky anxiety felt before a psychiatric appointment because you’re not doing well and have little hope that the doctor will actually listen and do something to help.

I’ve been on the fence what to do about my kid today while I see the shrink. It’s a half hour max, and taking her to my mom’s just opens a can of worms. I thought I might drop her off at the shop, let R repay me for all the favors I do him. My kid can be very disruptive and I need this doctor to pay attention to ME. But since my current state affects here, as well, and my biggest fear is failing her as a mom…I think I am gonna take her with me. Let him meet my reason for continuing to fight this shit. MAKE IT REAL TO HIM. Plus last night, I sat down, wrote a letter (he can read it or I can read it to him, imploring him to hear me out on Trileptal matter) and I made a list of things that are new compared to two months ago as well as worsening depressive symptoms. I get in there, I’m panicky, he thinks I am hypomanic, and thus he seems dismissive. I am hoping if I go in prepared….He might actually hear me out. Not just sit there, listen, make snarky comments about all the meds I’ve tried, then force his will on me without regard to the misery this is causing me.

I have that sinking feeling in my gut but then again…I have to force myself to be hopeful because any fear and pessimism could be used against me. Suckage is major.

Yesterday was a “rip the bandage off” day. I felt like shit, but forced myself to go all the way out to her doctor’s office to retrieve my phone. Then I pondered blowing off the whole shop thing and remembered that’d  just make me feel shittier. So I stopped in, with  Spook in tow, thinking as annoying as she is, he might just tell me to leave. Ha. Was still there four hours later, mostly fetching him smokes and drinks and checking his email. My kid was okay the first hour, but then she got bored and whiny and defiant. I was feeling absolutely paranoid outside my comfort zone. The headache came and went, by the time I got home it was back in full force. Drained to the bone marrow.

Still…I didn’t crash. I didn’t even cryptify til almost ten. I am pushing myself, trying to push myself out of this depressive haze and rut. It’s not working but at least I can say I am trying. Of course, it took forever to get to sleep. That’s getting old real fast. Then not staying asleep. Weird dreams. Teeth gnashing. Ugh.

But I am gonna go in with my papers, my kid, and I am gonna plead my case. I don’t think this doctor is evil. I just don’t think he’s had a case as chronic and outside the box as I am. No, I am not special. I am also not textbook and treating me as such, and making me feel bad for all the med failures, is cruel on his part.

I even took a full Xanax in hopes it might calm the nerves enough for him not to jump to the conclusion that I’m having some sort of ADD hypomanic state. Now I just gotta work up the gumption to throw on clothes and maybe scrape the moss off my fangs. Least today I’ve made sure my kid’s clothes are rightside out, her socks match, and her shoes are on the right feet. Which leaves me no sporks to give a damn about my own appearance. I have pants on, it’s a success.

Sad when your standards drop that low. I used to be a fricking vain fashionista, not because I cared what people thought, but because it was fun and it made me feel good to do my hair and make up and wear cute clothes. I haven’t been that person since the Nardil fucked up my brain. It’s not that I don’t want to look nice. I want to want to look good. I just..my give a damn is busted.

Onward and upward. Just gotta remember to breathe. And not forget where I parked. Or lose my phone. Or…

I’m a beautiful mess. That’s my story and I am sticking to it.


I must have been manic, but it’s over now

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=k2C5TjS2sh4 In our family (my mom and dad’s side) we fight and push through everything. This is includes and is not limited to poverty,  stress, fights,  death and even depression. This is not always wise,  a lesson I learnt only later in my twenties. I think I’m depressed.  My symptoms are:  Not being able to […]

A bit up…

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Feeling a bit up today. Coffee/ caffeine is having its heart pounding, overly talkative effect on me again. That only happens when I am having an up swing. Time to bring out the big gun, increase my Lithium dose. I am in a play, a musical actually. A bit of a chaotic mess at rehearsals, that has me very anxious and sort of dreading them. I am also going to Istanbul, Turkey day after tomorrow, excited and a bit anxious about that. And of course, June 21st, every year, at this time, we feel the loss of my beloved brother Farooq acutely. All this anxiety will definitely push me into either an up or down swing, and up it is. Jumpy, irritable, anxious, talkative, intense, passionate, that is how I am feeling. A bit manic, or is this the real me? Oh god, please let’s not start that again… Being manicky is probably easier on me and much more difficult for other people to handle, because there is so much “more” of me than normal. I might be in your face, I might be very vocal, I will definitely be extremely intense and passionate, hard for people to handle, sometimes even I tell myself to just shut up, lol. Being depressed is much more painful and difficult for me to handle, however, it is much easier for other people to handle a depressed me, because there is so much “less” of me in my depressed state. I would be quiet as a mouse, tired, sleepy, just a sad, watered down version of myself. But easier for everyone else to handle.

Anyway, I’m up right now, so have to get back to my normal, less anxious, less up state, haha I said up state, as in Upstate NY. Ooops here come the flight of ideas, another symptom of manicness… Ok, a few days of some increased lithium and I will stop this in it’s tracks, because I really don’t have time for all this BS right now. Have to be functional, calm, and in control. Must do a good job in the play and must be normal in Turkey. That’s all there is to it. Wish me luck, oh and lithium :-)