Production

lonely woman

So here I am feeling better. I’m not depressed and I am getting out most every day. But I wonder if I am productive.

What on earth do you do with your life when you are 56 and disabled? Do you sort of let life pass you by?

I don’t feel disabled right now. I feel okay. Do I feel like I could get dressed every morning and get to a job? No. Not even part time.

Most of my friends work but that is okay. They still have plenty of time to get together and I am of course very flexible. I have even been able to travel a bit with them.

I’m not quite making all of my goals right now. So it’s not as though I’m doing everything and am still bored. Some things are coming so much easier, like showering and doing my devotional. Other things, like staying on my food plan and exercising are not showing up on the map.

Yep, I am a little bored with life. This is sort of sad, because I think this is all there is. I don’t want or need any big crisis to take my attention. I just want a spark. Some reason to be excited.

I need to be driving more. If I were I could go see some friends in a nearby town without my husband. There’s no reason for me not to drive. It’s just that my husband drove me around when I was sick and he hasn’t stopped. I think he still feels safer if he drives. And I really hate parking my Tahoe. Does anyone else “pull through” when they are parking so they don’t have to back up?

I don’t want to volunteer to do anything. I don’t feel like being tied down to a time to do something. I like donating food and things to the food bank, but don’t want to work there. I feel like my time is valuable and I should somehow be getting paid. (This is no offense to volunteers…I admire them.) But when you are on disability (private), working is a big no-no. So any activity I do would have to be volunteer.

My meds make me a little wonky. They are serious meds and affect a lot of my life. The other night, I forgot to take my night meds. I fell asleep just fine but woke up with a mild headache. This progressed to the mother of all migraines. If I miss my daytime meds, I start getting dizzy, having heart palpitations, and sort of leaning to one side. This is after missing ONE dose.

Don’t I sound like a whiny loser? I do to me. I have so much to be thankful for but I still feel lonely and sad. It’s crazy, because I have good “real” friends and good “cyber” friends. I have some friendly relatives. I have friendly kids and a nice husband. Feeling lonely should not be an option.

My 27 year old daughter, Rachel, and I are going away for the weekend. I’m looking forward to it. We’re going to do some funny stuff. We are getting facials and going on a ghost tour. We are also (the next day) going on a FIVE hour jeep ride to check the area out. (I bet my bottom will be sore!) So you can see I have something to look forward to.

I think I am just in that “blah” range of emotions. The not happy, and not sad thing.

I sure get tired. I can go for about a half a day and then I need to lie down. I guess it’s not really realistic to commit to any regular thing. Just going to church is not as consistent as it could be. I think I need to get my ass in gear and get some of my current stuff done. Then I could righteously complain about being bored.

Hey. My closet is clean. My pantry is beautiful. My nightstand looks great…no clutter. (We won’t talk about the table in front of my couch.)

I’m still listening to that “how to be happy” book on my phone. I haven’t been meditating for ten minutes a day. I think I’ll save that for next month.

I wish I wasn’t sick. I wish I wasn’t bipolar. I’d like to be a plain person. Just plain.

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