Thoughts


There are days when the pain in your heart is so overwhelming that you can’t think of anything else. 


With every breath, it feels as if your lungs are collapsing.  I’ve been there and back so many times before.  What could I do differently?  How could I change this piece of the puzzle?  It’s such an odd experience when you feel so empty but so full of pain at the same time.  The days are lonely.  The nights are hard.  When you sleep, you never dream of anything but grief. 

 

If actions speak louder than words, I’ll have to scream at the top of my lungs.  Words are all I have. 

For a very long time, I felt different inside.  It seemed like I could conquer my fears.  My only regret was the physical pain I had to endure, but I thought I was doing my best.  Every night, as I attempt to drift off to sleep, it hits me.  I’m terrified.  I am already so afraid of nothing and everything.  Things that haven’t even happened, things that might.  I can’t escape it. 

 

I never thought I would be so very alone in life.  I can no longer find the means to trust anyone.  I’ve been running around with my heart on a silver platter for nearly 15 years, begging someone to take just enough to fill the void, leaving what I need to give to the man I love.  Thank God for him, truly.  I hate myself that I can’t just accept our life and our love as enough.  I’m so grateful that he is in my life.  It nearly kills me that I can’t be the person that I need to be.

 

Thoughts keep running through my head.  You’ll regret this little breakdown when something bad really does happen.  Regret, regret…regret.  Why does it feel like I exist on the negative energy that word represents?  It’s so quiet here in this moment.  Yet, allI can hear is noise.  The tight feeling in my chest never seems to go away.  I’m bored with this.  Fed up with each and every emotion that grips me right now.  Why couldn’t it be something else? 

 

I’m terrified of the future, and I can’t forget the past.  I feel stuck in the present, silently willing myself to move forward, but so afraid I can’t.  I’m trying to grow and learn from my life.  But, I’ve studied this chapter a thousand times.  It never changes.  Don’t you dare try to tell me that I have to change it.  Do you know how often and how hard I’ve tried?  Every single day is a struggle in this life.  Right now I’m losing the battle, and will surely lose the war. 

 

My head is cloudy.  Words are jumbled together. Emotions are piled one on top of the other. 

Now nothing makes sense, and I can’t make the connection. 

 

Welcome to my Hell. Thank your lucky stars that you’re just visiting.

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