It’s amazing what time can do. We all have that time or that moment when we think “nothing is ever going to change or get better.” When you are in the middle of that thoughts it’s simply too hard to see anything good ever happening again. I am starting to learn that it’s those moments that we have to be logical and we have to MAKE ourselves make good decisions.
I went and had testing done in all honesty to try to save my marriage and prove my husband wrong. I started taking Lithium to save my marriage and make my husband happy. I know now. That I owe him my life. That because of him my life is different. That slowly over the last 8 months things have really started to change. And the changes seem to be getting bigger and meaning more.
In many ways I have relationships that I have never had before. I’ve been married for 12 years and I am just now starting to see the potential of what my husband and I can do when we work together. In many ways this is a battle as well. We learning to change the habits of the past and interact in different ways. I am able to take a deep breath and a step back and see the bigger picture.
I know there are many people that aren’t as lucky as me. That they don’t get better with their first medications. That it’s a process and at times very frustrating. I am so grateful there is medicine out there to help me. That this medicine takes away whatever it is that stops the thoughts in my head from being reflected in my attitude and actions.
It’s a very big change, sometimes I am overwhelmed by feelings that I have never really been able to pinpoint or express. I have those moments where I think, “maybe I don’t need the meds? I am doing really good.” It takes about two seconds for me to realize that’s the devil attacking me. I wish I could stop taking my medicine. I wish I had control over this thing inside me. But I don’t. The devil knows that and believe he uses whatever he can to try to distract me. So I refuse to listen to him. When I ponder going off my meds I remind myself of the way I lived and things that happened for years that I hate. I remember that even if it was true I could stop taking them they aren’t hurting me, as of now, and so continuing to take them is the only responsible options.
I am so thankful that I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and actions in a way I haven’t felt in years. I know people use all kinds of excuses this is not one. This is a fact and something that has been proven very evident since I started taking medicine that is supposed to help him. I truly believe if I wasn’t sick the medicine wouldn’t help. And I believe that for every person who struggles. when they find the right combination of meds they get better. Maybe not perfect and maybe not complete healing. And th err is still personal accountability for actions. But how awesome is it to go from being in a fog to being able to see life and those around you in a new way.
I am enjoying what I am learning. I have moments where I am overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings about things. And about the difference between who I have been the last 15 years and who I am becoming and will be in the next 15 years. I am so blessed. I will never be able to thank my husband enough. In many ways he saved my life. He definitely changed it forever. And I hope that I can give him even a small fraction of what he has given me and what he continues to give me everyday.
Be blessed y’all!! Thanks for reading!!