Daily Archives: June 1, 2015

Time Goes On

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It’s amazing what time can do. We all have that time or that moment when we think “nothing is ever going to change or get better.” When you are in the middle of that thoughts it’s simply too hard to see anything good ever happening again. I am starting to learn that it’s those moments that we have to be logical and we have to MAKE ourselves make good decisions.

I went and had testing done in all honesty to try to save my marriage and prove my husband wrong. I started taking Lithium to save my marriage and make my husband happy. I know now. That I owe him my life. That because of him my life is different. That slowly over the last 8 months things have really started to change. And the changes seem to be getting bigger and meaning more.

In many ways I have relationships that I have never had before. I’ve been married for 12 years and I am just now starting to see the potential of what my husband and I can do when we work together. In many ways this is a battle as well. We learning to change the habits of the past and interact in different ways. I am able to take a deep breath and a step back and see the bigger picture.

I know there are many people that aren’t as lucky as me. That they don’t get better with their first medications. That it’s a process and at times very frustrating. I am so grateful there is medicine out there to help me. That this medicine takes away whatever it is that stops the thoughts in my head from being reflected in my attitude and actions.

It’s a very big change, sometimes I am overwhelmed by feelings that I have never really been able to pinpoint or express. I have those moments where I think, “maybe I don’t need the meds? I am doing really good.” It takes about two seconds for me to realize that’s the devil attacking me. I wish I could stop taking my medicine. I wish I had control over this thing inside me. But I don’t. The devil knows that and believe he uses whatever he can to try to distract me. So I refuse to listen to him. When I ponder going off my meds I remind myself of the way I lived and things that happened for years that I hate. I remember that even if it was true I could stop taking them they aren’t hurting me, as of now, and so continuing to take them is the only responsible options.

I am so thankful that I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and actions in a way I haven’t felt in years. I know people use all kinds of excuses this is not one. This is a fact and something that has been proven very evident since I started taking medicine that is supposed to help him. I truly believe if I wasn’t sick the medicine wouldn’t help. And I believe that for every person who struggles. when they find the right combination of meds they get better. Maybe not perfect and maybe not complete healing. And th err is still personal accountability for actions. But how awesome is it to go from being in a fog to being able to see life and those around you in a new way.

I am enjoying what I am learning. I have moments where I am overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings about things. And about the difference between who I have been the last 15 years and who I am becoming and will be in the next 15 years. I am so blessed. I will never be able to thank my husband enough. In many ways he saved my life. He definitely changed it forever. And I hope that I can give him even a small fraction of what he has given me and what he continues to give me everyday. 

Be blessed y’all!! Thanks for reading!!


Time Goes On

image

It’s amazing what time can do. We all have that time or that moment when we think “nothing is ever going to change or get better.” When you are in the middle of that thoughts it’s simply too hard to see anything good ever happening again. I am starting to learn that it’s those moments that we have to be logical and we have to MAKE ourselves make good decisions.

I went and had testing done in all honesty to try to save my marriage and prove my husband wrong. I started taking Lithium to save my marriage and make my husband happy. I know now. That I owe him my life. That because of him my life is different. That slowly over the last 8 months things have really started to change. And the changes seem to be getting bigger and meaning more.

In many ways I have relationships that I have never had before. I’ve been married for 12 years and I am just now starting to see the potential of what my husband and I can do when we work together. In many ways this is a battle as well. We learning to change the habits of the past and interact in different ways. I am able to take a deep breath and a step back and see the bigger picture.

I know there are many people that aren’t as lucky as me. That they don’t get better with their first medications. That it’s a process and at times very frustrating. I am so grateful there is medicine out there to help me. That this medicine takes away whatever it is that stops the thoughts in my head from being reflected in my attitude and actions.

It’s a very big change, sometimes I am overwhelmed by feelings that I have never really been able to pinpoint or express. I have those moments where I think, “maybe I don’t need the meds? I am doing really good.” It takes about two seconds for me to realize that’s the devil attacking me. I wish I could stop taking my medicine. I wish I had control over this thing inside me. But I don’t. The devil knows that and believe he uses whatever he can to try to distract me. So I refuse to listen to him. When I ponder going off my meds I remind myself of the way I lived and things that happened for years that I hate. I remember that even if it was true I could stop taking them they aren’t hurting me, as of now, and so continuing to take them is the only responsible options.

I am so thankful that I am in control of my thoughts, feelings, and actions in a way I haven’t felt in years. I know people use all kinds of excuses this is not one. This is a fact and something that has been proven very evident since I started taking medicine that is supposed to help him. I truly believe if I wasn’t sick the medicine wouldn’t help. And I believe that for every person who struggles. when they find the right combination of meds they get better. Maybe not perfect and maybe not complete healing. And th err is still personal accountability for actions. But how awesome is it to go from being in a fog to being able to see life and those around you in a new way.

I am enjoying what I am learning. I have moments where I am overwhelmed by the depth of my feelings about things. And about the difference between who I have been the last 15 years and who I am becoming and will be in the next 15 years. I am so blessed. I will never be able to thank my husband enough. In many ways he saved my life. He definitely changed it forever. And I hope that I can give him even a small fraction of what he has given me and what he continues to give me everyday. 

Be blessed y’all!! Thanks for reading!!


Little Scars

I have a series of little scars on my chest and rib cage, on the left side. They aren’t terribly...

The post Little Scars appeared first on Pretending to be What We Are.

Seroquel to the rescue, I hope.

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My doctor, as it happens, is out of town, but when I texted him,  he answered immediately! I am to increase my Seroquel from the recently decreased amount of 75 mg to back up to 100 mg. I decreased my dose with my doctor’s approval, on May 19th, started feeling (more) anxious the next day, and the depression started on May 28 (on the way home from Buffalo.) Of course, it is my biochemistry that I have depression, but events do precipitate depression. So being on a lower dose of Seroquel, which not only acts as a mood stabilizer, but also as an antidepressant, and undergoing stressful events such as having to leave my son, will precipitate depression. I hope increasing the dose will stop the depression symptoms.

Unfortunately, Seroquel causes weight gain in the belly region and I was experiencing that. One reason for cutting down the dose. I, never in my life have had a jiggly stomach! But if it means I will not be depressed, then jiggly stomach it is, haha. My friends and loved ones will love me despite that I’m sure :-) Or I could start doing 1,500 crunches every day, probably not!

As you may be able to tell, I feel better already! Talking  (or texting) with your doctor does have that effect. The fact that he cares and responds and then has a strategy (increase Seroquel) to make one feel better is very heartening. So looking forward to feeling better, jiggles and all!


Up to me

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Depression. It works that way. It robs you of your laughter. It makes you feel shaky and unsure, weak. You need more stimuli to feel good. My son called me and told me he got another A in his course this semester, that was a joyful moment! I got texts from my niece, those were joyful moments. Talked to my lovely girl friends, of course, wonderful! Saw some funny videos on FB, laughed. But, the internal happiness, contentedness, surety is gone. Replaced by a shakiness, a longing, a sadness, and sighs. I cannot rely on things outside of myself to make me happy, I have to find my own compass, my own solid ground. Who has time to be my vigilant guard? Everyone is busy, and rightly so, with their own lives. I have to do this for myself, calling my doctor is a good first step.

Damn it depression, snuck up on me again. Well, this time, as every other time, I’ll fight you and I will win. You don’t have any place here, you are not welcome here. Away with you, with your chest crushing weight, and darkness, lethargy, and stillness. Go! Be gone!

And let in the lightness, the airiness, the expansiveness, the “everything is well with the world” ness. Up to me, yes it is. But in a depression, not so easy to accomplish. Ok! That’s it! I’m bringing out the big guns!

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never failing, but in rising every time we fail.”
Nelson Mandela

“Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.”
Unknown

“The greatest degree of inner tranquility comes from the development of love and compassion. The more we care for the happiness of others, the greater is our own sense of well-being.”
Tenzin Gyatso, the 14th Dalai Lama

“Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world.”
C.S. Lewis

“Success is the ability to go from failure to failure without losing your enthusiasm.”
Winston Churchill

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around.”
Leo Buscaglia


Panic Brings Overreaction

I am in my post Latudalyptic world (thanks for that one, Diane) and damn, I hate it. My kid was playing outside and pulled her toy kitchen on top of herself. Enter screaming Mimi. Back in the day my kid screaming would have sent me flying out the door in a panic whether I was naked or what not. Today I hurriedly put on shoes, calm, dead inside…And went out to help her. She wasn’t hurt, but it scared her so there were tears and hyperventilating on her part. There I am comforting my child, all the while painfully aware that I feel nothing. Nothing. Just…nothing, ffs. I know what I should feel and behave accordingly but the emotion…Jebus, it’s worse than when I was on Lithium. My emotions, what little there are, are all fucked up. I nearly teared up over a scene on a TV show and yet my kid is hysterical and I’ve got nothing.

The very meds that are supposed to make me well are making me WORSE. How does that even work. And the doctors and pharma companies can feed their stories to the toilet, where shit belongs. These meds, even if it’s not prevalent, do have lasting effects even after you stop taking them.

I sound nuts, for every one of me with “aftermath” there are ten thousand who had zero problems. Yeah, it was like that for me on the wonderful Depo Provera they shoved down my throat. My stepmonster loved it, did well with it, was pissed when they forced her off of it. For me, it made me a suicidal screaming crying trainwreck. Even after ceasing it, the effects lingered for over a year. So it doesn’t matter what medication it is, everyone reacts differently.

Latarda fucked me up. Maybe there are other factors. Maybe not. I’m not the same. But because their “data” dictates nothing but favorable outcome for the most part, it will never be considered relevant that a few had their precarious mental state further disturbed.

So in the space of ten minutes, I went from dead inside and underractive…To spazzing out because Spook stabbed at random keys when the computer was booting up and basically made it useless. I guess it goes to show how attached I am to my computers, to be so furious and panicked. Thankfully, Google had a fix and it’s fine now but…I have no idea what’s happened to me. I think what made me angriest was her sitting there lying to me, saying she didn’t do anything, when I saw her randomly stab at the keys.

To add to all this…I am filled with self loathing and disgust. There has to be something wrong with me on a chronic level. I don’t buy it’s my personality because that changes with the mood/anxiety cycles. One day I am fierce and brave and the next I am a cowering fragile little girl. Neither of which states are optimal. I’m not a mercurial person. I am very stubborn. What never stops changing is what the chemicals in my brain are doing.

I’m starting to wonder if this numbness is  a result of the Trileptal. The Latuda has to be long gone by now. The only change was adding the Trileptal, and the dose is so low it’s negligible. Or maybe it’s a combo of the others meds with Trileptal.

I don’t fucking know, and neither do the doctors, they just pretend they know. Meanwhile, it’s my life going down the drain again. I feel so victimized and helpless which just leads to anger, but the anger is covered in gauze so I can’t even get too worked up about that.

Adding to it all is the weather. It went from high 80’s last week and the last 4 days it’s been in the fifties, gray and rainy and actually cold. The seasonal can’t break if the season doesn’t change and stayed changed. I’m just disgusted. The fact I am disgusted should probably be a good sign. Least I feel something. wrapped in a dozen latex gloves, but still, it’s something.

Clown shoes. Another day in the post Latudalyptic zone. I’d say kill me now but I don’t even feel strongly enough to truly want death.

This is one fucked up place to be.

 


Right a Wrong

  Just like someone rights and wrong, so too, is the war against the stigma of the mentally ill. I fight for the integrity of my innate illness of not my doing. This is about my survival. My respect from others who have created bias by their own choosing. I won’t let those whose chose to die out of hopelessness. I refuse to let their deaths be in vain. It takes courage to have them come around. It is my courage and yours to speak of our mental illness, to education those who have little knowledge of our everyday struggles. 
  I must take back my daily life to return to the workplace with respect and honor. To no longer retreat, to hide from society and accept one as disabled. Victory will be by my love for all man kind. What is said to achieve equality. My weapon will be a teacher. My sword an advisor. My victory as a diplomate as a voice.

  
This a my factious view of my fight for the battle against stigma and bias towards all mental illness. Not a delusion of grandeur but a hope of turning a right from a wrong.It’s a vision as a stigma fighter and am a image of success for all humanity. 

 

Food and Nutrition for Your Bipolar Brain & Body

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Like heart disease or diabetes, bipolar disorder can also benefit from a healthy diet. Because of medications and depressive lifestyles, people with bipolar disorder can be more susceptible to weight gain than the average person. I’ve read dozens of websites on the subject and the following is the best summary I can give you on food and nutrition.

Firstly, a healthy diet for someone with bipolar disorder looks very similar to good nutrition for the average person. It includes fruits, vegetables, grains, lean meats, fish, eggs, low-fat dairy, soy and nuts/seeds.

Other key areas in your diet include the following –

Caffeine – Caffeine is a stimulant. It can cause sleep problems, and good sleep is critical for people with bipolar. As well, because caffeine is a stimulant it can sometimes actually contribute to a manic episode. It is recommended not to stop caffeine abruptly, but rather to taper down the use.

Alcohol – Alcohol is a depressant and can contribute to episodes of depression. It can also interact negatively with medication.

Sugar – Blood-sugar levels can contribute to mood swings as your blood-sugar levels rise and decrease. Avoid large amounts of sugar or so-called junk food.

Salt & Water – Salt plays a role in your system. Normally added salt is not a good thing, however when you are taking Lithium, the salt / lithium balance needs to be controlled. Your doctor should conduct regular blood tests to check your lithium level. Also related to the salt balance is water. It is important to keep your body hydrated to aid in the salt balance.

Omega 3 & 6 – Fish oil is good for the brain. It’s healthy for anyone, but even more so for someone with bipolar. Fish oil has been said to lessen the symptoms of bipolar disorder – especially stress – and stress is a key trigger in bipolar disorder.

Magnesium – Magnesium is a mood balancer. It is said to have a chemical similarity to lithium.

High-fat meats – High-fat meats should be eaten in moderation. They can lower the sedative effect of some medication. They can also delay the time medication is being absorbed.

You should also avoid natural supplements, like St. John’s Wort, if you are on medication. They could negatively interact with your medication. Grapefruit juice needs to be avoided when on certain medications because of the severe increase in blood levels. If you are taking an MAOI (monoamine oxidose inhibitor) you need to watch your diet carefully. For example, you will need to avoid some cheese, aged meat, red wine, and more.

The University of Michigan recommends: folic acid, vitamins B, B6, B12, D, E, Thiamin, Calcium, Selenium, Zinc, Magnesium, Omega 3, and Tryptophan.

For any supplement, vitamin or medication, always talk to your doctor or pharmacist to determine the best diet for you. Always do your best to control bipolar disorder. Food and nutrition is a great place to start.

Sources: WebMD, Everydayhealth, The University of Michigan


The DInner

So we had dinner with The Boyfriend last night.  He came a little early before dinner was officially ready.  So he and Bob talked for a bit about where he wants to go to school and what he wants to major in.  Then we sat around the table and talked about various and sundry topics–a little politics, a little food, etc.  Then we went to the den to watch a movie which we largely talked through, then he and my daughter went to our kids den to talk and play cards.  (She beat him in every game they played).  So then they talked and around nine Bob told them to wind things up. We talked to them again for a minute to get an idea of what all they wanted to do together and how often, details like that.

SO I got the house cleaned up enough to suit me, at least in our living areas.  He seems like a nice enough boy  She met him at church, which is always a plus.  He’s  little older than she is, but not too much.  He is out of high school, working and going to college locally this fall.  So we will see how this plays out.  If it’s like most of her ‘romances” to date, it may not take long for them to revert back to being friends. But this time is the first time she gets to actually date somebody, so it may be different.  But he was a brave one and came here to beard the lions, so we have to give him points for that as well.


WTF happened to me???

I am aware I post too much at times. Whatevs.

But here I sit, patting myself 0n the back, because it’s 9:41 p,m, and I haven’t taken to my crypt yet. Really???? I am leaning that way, which makes it even worse. I am a born night owl. What has happened to make considering being awake “this late” an accomplishment? I used to consider it cruel and unusual punishment when I was in relationships where their schedule made me feel obligated to crash so early or at the least, tip toe around so not disturb them.

Who is this person living in my mind and body? Doesn’t feel like me. And maybe it’s felt that way for years and like the doctors, I just dismissed it as my own neuroses. I still think…

Latuda did something to fuck me up this way.

It will never be validated by the professionals, of course. If they were to admit their miracle med actually harms some, they’d lose money and face, We, who have bad reactions, are statistically insignificant. It’s sad but true. Even if a thousand people have bad reactions, the only “relevant” numbers are the ones who fare well. Yet the doctors wonder why we don’t want to try the newer meds and risk the bad outcome.

I cannot believe it isn’t even ten at night and I am kicking myself for not being in bed already. I feel vulnerable, nervous, easily shaken. Just the kittens *whom I adore* climbing on me are giving me psychological dry socket.

Who the hell is this person living in my skin and mind? It sure as hell isn’t the me of yesteryear.

My kingdom to feel alive again, to enjoy music, to not feel so beaten down and lost and defeated,,,WTF??????