What is that, really? You may think that a clown at the circus is pleasurable. Or being frivolous with plenty of money (that is available) to spend. I am always amazed by those who are very funny people. They seem like life is that bowl of cherries in which I cannot relate. Have you ever met someone who makes you laugh until your belly hurts? How do they do that? I have never had that kind of sense of humor. I have lived so long in the doom and gloom I don’t think I can ever find that sense of joy. I do think extreme pleasure is possible to achieve.
The pleasure when watching my puppies chasing one another and their innocence astounds me. The flowers that bloom brings me so much joy. The mere fact that I can once again nurture something to such beauty. This brings such an achievement back into my life. Watching the action feature of a wicked lightening storm leaves me in awe with natures entertainment.
I struggle with finding my inner happiness. No, I haven’t been meditating as I should. Nor have I been burning the calories to release the endorphins sense of high. I have read about Buddhist psychology, the Dahlia Lama, Deepak Chopra, and Don Miguel Ruiz, I just haven’t made those lessons apart of my everyday life like breathing. Something always holds me back. The highs and lows of my illness makes this even more challenging to accomplish.
Inner happiness is my idea of extreme pleasure. The “roll it off my shoulders” thing. “Don’t take things so personally” method. Or the “they can’t hurt you”. Those lies or the created “fantasy” I have perfectly written and directed. I study those in my life who have found their inner happiness. The extreme pleasures to sit quietly by themselves. They appear somewhat self-centered to me. Like they have a secret ingredient and not willing to share. It makes me feel terrible about myself. Like no one enjoys being around me.
It’s the ability to create the happiness when situations are not so settling. There are no signs of anxiety or panic evident in their behavior. They are much more forgiving than I, more jovial when life throws that curve ball. I missed out on that DNA or environmental setting. The balance cannot be rigged! I think I’m going about finding inner happiness all wrong.
Before my illness developed into full fruition, I felt a great satisfaction when I was nursing for a little more than 30 years. It wasn’t about striving to move up the ladder within my career but, the gratitude I brought to a patient when I subjectively observed that a nice warm blanket will bring she/he some comfort. Or taking the extra time by a patients bedside with their family members and teaching the proper technique of giving insulin. These were the moments that brought me extreme pleasure. Best of all, the pleasure of a paycheck that I may treat myself for a job well done. No longer can I obtain such pleasure by the abrupt end of my career. The panic and anxiety attacks became overwhelmingly evident to others.
Finding new pleasures has been a great challenge. Focusing on others has been only my husband through his fight with cancer. Just when I feel I have accomplished my inner peace, something comes along and knocks me out of being peaceful. I know that I must first love myself before I can love others but, that is not as easy as it sounds. Not for me. “Much Ado About Nothing” To be continued when my extreme pleasure is obtained.