|| Public disservice announcement: I still have posts scheduled, but I missed you fuckers too much. I’m back.
1. If you were to attend a costume party tonight, what or whom would you go as?
Albert Camus. I’d wear a world weary expression, a gitane, cynicism and loads of sardonic French.
2. What are your choices of toppings on a hamburger?
Faded hopes and lost dreams.
3. You are chosen to have lunch with the President. The condition is you only get to ask one question. What do you ask?
(Jacob Zuma) Did you apply for the job purely for the money, or was crushing the poorest citizens also part of the appeal?
4. It’s your first day of vacation, what are you doing?
Snoring like a chainsaw, with intermittent twitching and drooling. Occasionally reaching for a slice of pizza and a gulp of chocolate milk. I’ll catch the plane tomorrow.
5. What is your concession stand must-have at the movies?
Popcorn, which I shake a lot of toxic waste cheese and chives flavouring on, and if I want even more junk food, a box of msg and e numbers Smarties to add to the popcorn. Plus (oddly enough), bottles of still mineral water.
6. Which do you dislike most: pop-up ads or spam email?
Down with pop-ups, if I’ve somehow noticed what the parasite is advertising, I make a mental note to boycott the company.
7. What do you think Captain Hook’s name was before he had a hook for a hand?
Captain Hand. Obviously.
8. Rock, paper, or scissors?
A facial expression of pure ennui.
9. Let’s say a brick fell on your foot, and your kid is standing right next to you, what is your ‘cleaned up’ swear word?
10. Which is worse, being in a place that is too loud, or too quiet?
Loud. I used to be part of team ‘if it’s too loud, you’re too old’, but there’s been a gradual shift into middle age, of noise being intolerable. Audible clocks in quiet rooms turn me into a snarling beast and I can hear a watch right across a room.
11. What is one quality that you really appreciate in a person?
12. At the good old general store, what particular kind of candy would you expect to be in the big jar at the counter?
13. What is the most distinguishing landmark in your city?
What city? The nearest one (by formal definition) is three hours away. I have no clue what any of its landmarks are.
14. Everyone hears discussions that they consider boring. What topic can put you to sleep quicker than any other?
Sport, unless it’s the Volvo round the world yacht race.
15. How many times did it take you to pass your drivers test?
Got it on the second go; on the first, I had a panic attack instead.
16. If you had to have the same topping on your vanilla ice cream for the rest of your life, what topping would you choose?
The tears of my enemies.
17. What food item would need to be removed from the market altogether in order for you to live a healthier, longer life?
Fuck that, I don’t want a longer life tyvm.
18. You are offered an envelope that you know contains $50. You are then told that you may either keep it or exchange it for another envelope that may contain $500 or may be empty. Do you keep the first envelope, or do you take your chances with the second?
Take the first one, the exchange rate here is very much in favour of the dollar, and one thing I’m not, is a gambler.
19. If you had to choose, which would you give up: cable TV, or DSL/cable internet?
I have neither, but if I did, I’d lose the tv. It’s obviaas.
20. What is your highest level of education?
21. How much is a gallon of gas in your city? What was the highest it’s been?
We call it petrol, measure it in litres and I am totally using that as a smokescreen, because I haven’t the faintest idea.
22. What kind of lunch box did you have as a kid?
Something nondescript in a tupperware flavour.
23. What would you rather have, a nanny, a housekeeper, a cook, or a chauffeur?
A housekeeper who can cook.
24. Would you rather be trapped in an elevator, or stuck in traffic?
I’m claustrophobic, traffic for sure.
From the Book of Questions (Pablo Neruda)
Tell me, is the rose naked
or is that her only dress?
Why do trees conceal
the splendor of their roots?
Who hears the regrets
of the thieving automobile?
Is there anything in the world sadder
than a train standing in the rain?