The anxiety has me wound up tight enough to snap and take off several heads in the path. I didn’t anticipate much withdrawal from Latuda because it’s an atypical antipsychotic as opposed to SSRI but guess what…I have brain zaps and numb fingers and every sound is like nails on a chalkboard and I want to play ski ball with someone’s fucking skull…
Yeah, I am a pissy bunny.
My kid, while not channeling Satan, has not been silent for one second since she got home. And every fiber of me wanted to send her outside just so I could stop cringing but she’s grounded so we must both suffer. Fuck fuck fuckity fuck. I need quiet. Not silence, just calm and quiet. Not a laughing hyena-mockingbird-meth addicted cartoon character soundtrack.
In spite of aforementioned pissyness..I did a few things today I’ve been putting off. Hauled a toy kitchen outdoors for the kids to play with (destroy, same thing with these thuglings, mine leading the destructive charge.) I moved Spook’s tent into her room (after having someone put it together five months after Xmas) and ooops, it caved in and I’m not smart enough to figure it out. I’m not a putter together person. One more reason I love buying used stuff. Preassembled. I got out of my safe space and hooked up a laptop with a smashed screen to an external monitor and wham…Aside from having the fatal flaw of VD (Vista disease) the screen is the only thing wrong. Sixty bucks and I’ve got a decent shiny laptop. Okay, a second one, cos obviously I have this one I watch and write on but it runs on external sound so…The Toshiba will be the laptop that’s fully functional without a dozen peripherals.
The really fun part was trying to access it. Guy left it at the shop, said do what we wanted with it cos he wasn’t spending any money, and I jumped on its leg and humped the usb port. Then turns out…it has five accounts, all password protected. FUCK. I am so glad for freeware that gets by that shit. Now it’s been stripped of all ickiness (Apple products, browser bars, Yahoo anything, Norton) and it has been scanned for viruses and malware and is now…Deemed fit to serve my needs. Frankly, one (both) of my desktops is probably about to keel over from my abuse so having a spare slave (which it kind of us with the external monitor to be lugged around, not so portable.) is wondermous.
UGHHHH. The brain zaps are maddening. Throw in a yappy kid on top of it and I can feel my brain wanting to escape, literally using some of gray matter as a zipper to get out and run away screaming from it all.
Day five and not so much as an “are you alive” from R. Or a reply to the text I sent him Thursday. Such a good friend. I don’t know how the man can view that behavior as okay when he expects me to be on call any time his wife or kids or other better class people aren’t there to amuse him. The break was needed for me, I’m really not feeling the whole social thing with the brain zap and numb fingers and BLINDING WHITE ANGER OF DOOM. So why do I even know it’s been 5 days? Oh, right. I’ve assimilated to my surroundings and become shallow. I haven’t had a pack of real smokes in 5 days.
On the plus side…I finally figured out that toilet seat lid thing today. I swear the Latarda was giving me air for brains. It was so simple but yesterday I may as well have been trying to perform open heart surgery.I don’t get it.
One more “mommy” and I swear to the fucking sacred pegacorn I am gonna lock myself in the closet with my fingers n my ears. It’s not immature, it’s survival instinct. Especially when you’ve quietly and calmly explained at least a dozen times that you’re “not feeling well” so let’s use our soft indoor voices and not talk a bunch….Only to bulldozed by Uzi child…
Xanax. Size of a hubcap. NOW.
Now back to my shame. I avoided it up til now but I finally caved in to all the hype and watched “Empire.” Fuck. It’s actually decent. Stupid sheeple pleasing tv show pleases me so I must be a sheeplet.