Some fiction for a wet May Day weekend:
“Shift Workers’ Delight” (TM)
They think I’m awake.
Those people on the stage: giving it their all to “Cyrano de Bergerac”. They think I’m catching every nuance, every carefully translated phrase. Every nose joke.
I’m really asleep
I’m so glad I paid out that extra £99.95 for the “Wide Awake Eyes” app. Sure, the basic package, with the special contacts you suction cup to your eyelids, they’ll fool a lot of folks. But actors, they’re artistes. Sure, they’re am dram, but there’s real talent there. Trained observers, too.
The “Wide Awake Eyes” (TM), they not only blink, they even widen at the appropriate times, and places. They sparkle, for goodness sakes, whenever the light catches them.
I’m a bit worried about the “Snore-Catcher”, though. It’s great in principle: capturing each and every snore, from the tiny little ones, barely loud enough to wake up a mouse, to those really huge ones, which don’t just wake up the dead, but the snorer themselves, too.
What, you’ve never been startled awake by one of your own snores? Or seen that happen to someone else?
Used to happen to my dad all the time, when he dropped off in his chair, after work, or some DIY. Clearly scared the bejesus out of him, too.
Must remember to pop out to the car park during intermission, and empty my “Snore Catcher”. Don’t want to risk overloading it. Apparently the marketing department of “Shift Workers’ Delight” (TM) are still battling it out in the courts with that warehouse worker over in Huddersfield, who forgot all about having to empty his “Catcher”. I understand the resulting sonic boom took down a couple of chimneys out in Almondbury, not to mention all those roof tiles in nearby Netherton.
So glad I waited til the “Full Memory Playback” (FMPB) feature had been perfected. My mate Eric, he bought FMPB ver 3, which to be honest still has a few bugs in the system.
Poor old Eric, he said: “It goes with your eyes, love”, when his missus asked him if he wanted chips, or a jacket potato, with his steak and kidney pie.
This one, though, it’s version 7. It not only records everything that goes on whilst the wearer is catching up on a bit of shut-eye, it plays it back: word for word, seconds after whoever is talking to you. Yeah, it can get a bit confusing, especially when you happen to actually wake up mid-sentence, catch a bit of what someone is saying to you, overlapped only second later with the recording.
But, like that bit on the “Shift Workers’ Delight” website said, it’s saved many a marital spat from turning into a full-on slanging match.
My workmate Chris really likes the “You’re Not Listening to a Word I’m Saying, are You?” (TM) feature, which is set to catch a load of key phrases, such as “My mother is popping by in a bit, is that all right, love?” Which, let’s face it, I’ve used a few times on my Colin, just to try and catch him out, when I think he’s not paying attention to what I’m saying.
The question “So you’re all right about my ordering those new shoes?” is a good one, too. According to the website, the inventor himself, Jefferson Standish, had that added to the “Delight” after that very same bombshell was dropped by Elizabeth Standish, Jefferson’s wife.
Of course, what really got the money rolling in for old Jefferson was when the office workers caught onto the possibilities of the “Delight”. As the website says,” It’s not just for shift workers, any more”.
For an extra 250 quid, “Doodle me This!”will enable anyone using the “Business” version of the “Delight” to actually sleep draw. Just the thing for those long, dull, team meetings.
Uh oh. Guess who forgot to empty their “Snore Catcher”?
If you enjoyed this story, check out my short story compilation, “What! No Pudding?” available now on Amazon. Another collection, “Koi Carpe Diem“, is due out soon.