From the Archives: Voices and Disappointment

Please note: This post is from the archives and does not necessarily reflect where my progress is today.

Well, I knew the ugly head of my illness would show up again, but I didn’t quite know it would be so fast.

I am having trouble with hearing voices again. This has gone on for a few days now. I finally gave up this morning and took a perphenazine which should help. I hate the perphenazine though…it makes my head feel full and sluggish.

I heard lots of noise outside my head last night. I am even getting some demons in there telling me I will go to HELL. The demons are just ridiculous. They sound like a parody of demons. It is even sort of hard to be frightened of them. I want to laugh and say “With you demons in my head, I feel like I am IN hell.” But I say nothing. I want to be polite.

Since I had the voices and took the perphenazine, I have a migraine. So I have more meds to take that away. My head is a mess. I feel high…but in a bad way.

I had so much planned today. I was going to give a presentation to some nursing students. I had my book club tonight. (I even read the book.) I had to cancel the presentation and boy did I ever feel guilty. Now the other guy who was going has to do it alone. He’s very articulate and I know he will do a good job, but I still feel bad. He is new…like I am…and it is tough to get out there alone. Not attending the book club is not such a big deal. There are about 12 people at it and one more or less doesn’t make a difference. But darn it, I read the book and liked it!

I checked my calendar tomorrow as I know I had better clear things for a couple of days. Yoga was tomorrow, but that doesn’t matter much. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist which I MUST go to. He’s got to hear about these voices and what they are telling me. I really don’t want to go into the hospital. I have a good friend I was going to go out with tomorrow night. I just called her and asked if she could come over to the house and have a little snack supper and chat. I can likely do that. Getting out is just the hard part. Saturday I have a friend coming in the morning to visit. She is bipolar also, so she doesn’t care how I look or feel. She will be there with me. And Saturday night I have my dreaded sister-in-law and her nice husband for dinner. I’ve got easy menu planned: grilled chicken, vegetables, potatoes from the slow cooker, rolls.

A lot of this is my fault. I was so happy at feeling better, that I overextended. But I just clutch at the straws of recovery because it is so nice. I’ve been down so long.

I’m wondering if I shouldn’t start making my calendar with every other day being a “free” day. Maybe Monday do stuff but Tuesday nothing. Build in some nothing time. The problem is these damned voices. You just never know when they are going to start up. I just CAN’T go on anything else for them. The perphenazine is just awful. I can’t drive on it and can barely think.

I know that recovery is two steps forward and one step back. Wait, let’s make that one step forward and two steps back. I don’t even know what to think any more. Will I ever get normal again for a period of time? Will it always be like this with the voices? I so desperately want to recover. I am doing all I know how to do. I feel sad and overwhelmed.

I have people I could reach out to, but I am ashamed. Afraid they will be disappointed in my voices again. And there is that fear that I will lose them as friends because they will have a fear of my craziness. Who wants to go to the movies with someone with voices? I haven’t even told my best friend about all this because I don’t want to burden her. I know she would listen, but she doesn’t need my troubles. The only people I totally can tell are the other mentally ill in my life. They get it. My husband doesn’t totally get it, but he is extremely supportive. He’s doing the best he can.

Is it wrong to wish that important people in your life could have voices and bipolar for one week? That they could walk in your shoes and know the fear and sadness? I want more than anything to be dependable and happy. I go back and back in my mind to the times I was happy. They are something to hold on to.

I’m not sure where I would be if it wasn’t for this blog. I love being able to talk in this anonymous world and let my feelings out. If you are reading this, know that you are helping me along. I feel your strength and weakness and know you are there.

Demons, be gone!

lily

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