a-z challenge: v

warning-sign-generatorTMI for anyone who is easily startled by me, vaginas, or me and vaginas. You have been warned etc etc.

In which the whole a-z thing gets completely out of hand, because V, my sweet, sexy and soulful readers, is for vagina. I’m a fricken lesbian, I am absolutely honour bound to do it. On more than one level. I’ll be excommunicated if I don’t.

Here is a song to get you in the right frame of mind.

The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Vagina

0b6071685e1c315f03345b1e6fcb47e7-1Vagina is not a rude word, it’s an anatomical term, but I’m not about to get into the biology of the organ or the etymology of the word. I’m not even going to get into gender until the slam poetry videos at the end. I might get into … eh nevermind. There’s no point offering you information that 10 seconds on Google will get you. Intellectual hypotheses and debate can gtfoh too – I’ve been a card and vagina carrying politicised human, woman, feminist, lesbian for a looong time; I have nothing to prove and I’m incredibly bored by the dialectic these days. If I started listing euphemisms I’d be here all week, so I’ll just talk about vaginas from the perspective of an owner driver. User. Connoisseur. Ahem, I’m sure you get the point. Songs will feature heavily (as usual).

Vaginas? I love ’em.

Let me introduce you to the funniest song in the world about the vagina. In fact, it’s possibly the funniest song in the history and future of songs everywhere. It’s not offensive and it is catchy – it’ll turn into an earworm, I can almost guarrantee it. I showed it to a mate of mine who is nearly 70 and she sang it all day afterwards.

See? Freaking hysterical. You’re welcome.

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Next up from DJ ***** and the ******** is one of many, many, many covers of Nirvana’s Heart Shaped Box.

Lana Del Rey must’ve known that covering Nirvana’s “Heart Shaped Box” would elicit some sort of a response from Courtney Love, but none of us could’ve predicted that Love would actually be funny when she Tweeted LDR about it. “You do know the song is about my vagina right?” Love queried. “Next time you sing it, think about my vagina will you?” Wonder if LDR will be covering Nirvana’s other ode to Courtney’s genitals, “Moist Vagina,” any time soon? ({source})

Music makes me digress my ass right off – but I gotta say that I hate it that Courtney Love was funny there.

V-8Vagina! Hairless ones make me feel sorry for them. Hygiene products specifically for them must have been invented by someone with some sort of complex or syndrome that doesn’t bear thinking about. Vajazzling is the work of the devil and as for merkins … well let’s not go there. Feel free to google, mental floss is provided at the, uhm, entrance.

They just need to be clean, not fecking perfumed. A trim is good, anything more just ain’t my thing. Oh god this has turned into a total tmi. I’m sorry. They smell like the sea, they taste like heaven. I do not use the word in bed (don’t even ask, even I draw the line somewhere). Time to ctrl+alt+del out of this paragraph before

Hello and welcome to this fresh and well behaved paragraph. You’re looking fantastic and I’d like to thank you for making it this far into the V for Vagina edition. If you have a vagina, please never feel ashamed of it, if you don’t have one, there’s no need to be ashamed either. They’re lovely when they’re loved up, aren’t they? Ack, there goes another paragraph. There goes the neighbourhood … I’m leaving before I get thrown out.

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May your heart shaped boxes always be happy.

5fbc0ce99fe2501dd1c10660d82b4febIf you’re not interested in genderqueer genitalia, this is your cue to head off. If you’re phobic about it, don’t come back. Simples!

This is an astonishingly honest and very moving piece by a trans* person.

This one is for me; Alix Olson pretty much says it all In terms of having a cunt and being called sir.

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