Daily Archives: April 13, 2015

Rationally Irrational

Is that an oxymoron or a contradiction? Riiight, I don’t give a fuck.
This post is once again brought to you by the letters F and U because my Monday is off to a rip roaring start.

Had a rough night, again. Between my hacking and coughing and tossing and turning…Then my kid woke up with her allergies rioting and I had to give her Benadryl and Flonase just so she could breathe again…Another night of maybe three hours sleep. Can’t fathom why I am so fucking grumpy.

R whimpered about needing someone to watch the shop first thing ‘cos he needed to do a favor for a friend. Um…My problem, how? When I tried to explain I felt shitty and had been up most of the night, he played the whiny “you owe me card”.
Ughh. So I showed up in the clothes I slept in. I THINK I brushed my hair but I know I forgot deodorant and to scrape the moss off my fangs. Stellar start to a day. He was gone all of 20 minutes. Then I told him I was leaving and again, it was all about his needs. I left anyway. I feel like crap, my mood is vile, trust me, being away from me is in your best interest.

I woke to a spam comment today that set me off. I mean, “I’m so mad I need to listen to Eminem” off. I will NOT embrace the anxiety. I will not hump its leg even if it buys me dinner. Never mind 98% of the post being commented on was about the depressive episode and my shitty family. GRRRR. You may mean well but you’re either part of the problem or part of the solution. Using my misery to promote your own agenda…Dick move.

Of course, that was two hours ago and now I am just…Ugh. My stomach is in knots, my side hurts from all the coughing, my head is congested, and I still haven’t showered since Thursday. I’ve been binge watching Nurse Jackie (I like her, she’s flawed but ultimately ok) and ignoring the housework and wondering how I can take care of a kid yet can’t even force my own skanky ass into a shower.
Riiight, I am so much better at taking care of others because it was what my parents imprinted on me at age 11 while they worked full time and I raised myself and my kid sister.

I hate being this pissed off.
I hate anything that makes me this pissed off.
And I also hate that most of it is my own damned fault. I latch onto the negative, no matter how many funny positive comments are swapped or left. My brain is evil and the more I try to talk it out of its dysfunction, the more the bipolar reminds me…I’m not in control of this ride. I mean, if any of us were in control of mental illness, the shrinks and pharma companies and therapists would all starve to death.

I need to take a chill pill.
Or have a drink.
For now I shall just breathe and remind myself internet trolls are disgusting little critters and there are good people out there.

And even if you don’t mean to be an internet troll…To quote Eminem…”If I offended you…So what…I still don’t give a fuck.”

I shouldn’t post this. But I will.
And watch my follower number drop.
Maybe it’s okay. Having followers makes me feel like a serial killer.
(I love you guys!)

Meh.


search terms & spam

The detritus of internet interaction makes me laugh sometimes, here’s my latest crop.  



Search terms

boys interrupted while fucking
See next item for explanation of my limited capacity to answer this. The only advice I have is don’t. It’d be extremely discourteous, not to mention potentially homophobic.

Bizarrely, the next three arrived in that order, on one day.

I am a lesbian quotes
I am a lesbian. (blahpolar, 2015)

I’m so irritated quotes
I’m so irritated. (blahpolar, 2015)

Bipolar people quotes
I am bipolar. (blahpolar 2015)

image

gooftly attention seeking memes
There’s a band with info in Cyrillic text called Go Oftly, otherwise idk and idc. Instead, I shall seek attention for memes made by me me me. Feel free to help yourself. Will accept lesbians as thanks.*
mental illness memes
rhymes with manic depression memes
rhymes with bipolar memes part 1
rhymes with bipolar memes part 2

Mentally ill better off dead
I know why that one led here – it was a Lubitz/Germanwings post. I wondered why the seeker sought the phrase though. Searching the phrase as is, gave results about suicide; adding quote marks gave this song as the top result: MEntally ILL ft Charlie Oh Better Off Dead. The original is by The Script; I don’t think it’s as good as the cover. It makes me go all Pet Shop Boys, sometimes you’re better off dead, there’s a gun in your hand and it’s pointing at your head … etc etc.

All I can be is me whoever that is

image

Bob Dylan

That’s mister Dylan to you.

Spam comments

Laden with lorem ipsum, these are the comments caught by Akismet and held without legal representation until my arrival.

Miceal slowed the flier down to hover to better observe the scene lehrbucher Kostenloser
Miceal slowed the flier down to hover to better
observe the scene get ebooks kostenlos
Miceal slowed the flier down to
hover to better observe the scene free digital bucher
Miceal slowed the flier down to hover to better observe the
scene Kostenloser download bucher fur kids
Miceal slowed the flier down to hover to better
observe the scene how to download der kostenlosen bucher
Miceal slowed the flier down to hover to better observe the scene free digital bucher

So poetic. This is clearly an alternate version of Michael Row the Boat Ashore, conjured up by some chimps on meth. Hovering around to observe free e-textbooks isn’t really my cup of sandwiches, but each to their own. It’s more fun to read it as butcher rather than bucher.

Do you brain if I cite a few of your posts as foresightful as I supply credit and sources endorse to your website? My blog is in the identical Sami recession as yours and my users would unfeignedly gain from close to of the data you represent Hera. Delight Lashkar-e-Tayyiba me screw if this all right with you. Apprise it!

I don’t brain at all. Well, hardly ever. Sami as in the Sami people? Is there an issue with the reindeer?! Get back to me asap, I’m stressing now. And Hera? Mrs Zeus? What’s the relevance there? Thanks a bunch for mentioning Lashkar-e-Tayyiba, I’ll never get an American visa now. And are they screwing you or are you screwing them? Either way, it’s not something I want to think about any further. Me, I’m cautious around terrorists and freedom fighters in general.

image

I was suggestsd this web log by my cousin-german. I’m non for certain whether this place is scripted by him as nonentity else recognize so much elaborate around my trouble. You are awe-inspiring! Thanks!

What?

You are so interesting! I do not trust I’ve sincerely record through something care that earlier.
So ripe to determine some other person with about archetype thoughts
on this topic. Truly.. give thanks you for starting this up.This internet site is something that is needed on the web, mortal with close to originality!

Mortal?! Well damn your eyes. Close to originality? Jou ma se akkedis! It was going so well too. I thought I’d acquired my very own sycophant until that final sentence. Bah.

Hi to every one, since I am really bore off indication this website’s Post to be updated on a steady foundation. It carries dear info.

I suspect you of being a borehole. Some sort of hole anyway.

image

Boring Wall – Banksy

Definitely imagine that which you said. Your favourite reason appeared to be on the net the easiest thing to bear in mind of. I say to you, I certainly get annoyed even as folks think about concerns that they just don’t realize about. You controlled to hit the nail upon the highest and outlined out the whole thing without having side effect , other people can take a signal. Will probably be back to get more. Thanks

You like me, you really like me! My pleasure, seldom do I receive such effusive and impenetrable compliments. I’m thinking of having yours tattooed, or made into a cross stitch sampler. I love hitting nails upon the highest without having side effect. It’s as though you’re reading my mind.

Hi, always i used to check weblog posts here early in the daylight, since i love to gain knowledge of more and more

Good call! I switch the lights off at night. Buhbye!

*I can say that, because I am one.

Most Interesting People? My Followers!

followers

Who is (are) the most interesting (person) people you have met this year? That would easily have to be my 850 or so followers on this blog.

Followers, for the most part, are the unseen cheerleaders of the blog. I know that at some point, they liked what they saw enough to push the follow button. I know from my own experience as a follower that they probably tuned in one or more times after that. Beyond that situation, there are a lot of possibilities.

I’m not crazy enough to think that there are 850 people anxiously awaiting my next exciting post. Some of these bloggers have probably fallen off the wagon or don’t blog anymore. But that still leaves quite a few unaccounted for.

I visit and read a LOT of blogs. I mean a LOT. I think I love reading blogs just about as much as I like writing one. There is just so much out there. Where do I find my blogs to read? All over: my Blogging U classes, Community Pool, bloggers doing Prompt of the Day, people in my Reader, and blogs listed in blog party lists.

Where did all these followers come from and who are they? I only have some idea. I’ve divided them up into a few categories:

1)The Unknowns: these are people I have never seen before anywhere or on Word Press. They just suddenly appear on my followers list. They never leave a comment and I’ve never left a comment on their blog to my knowledge. I have no clue how they found me or heard of me (the Reader?). I have no idea if they are looking for a mental health blog or what. I have no clue why they hit the follow button.

2)The Return Commenters: These are people basically unknown to me where I have left a comment on their post, and they come right back over and follow me.  They don’t “like” my comment necessarily. They don’t say anything to me or comment on my blog. They just swing right back over and hit the follow button. I hope they follow because they read something on my blog they liked, but who knows? This is common with people I meet in classes, especially if they are not in the mental health arena.

3) Mental Health Bloggers: Okay, I know why they are here. I assume they find me on the Reader or on other mental health bloggers. They hit the “like” button all the time. I wish this group would comment a bit more. I know this is a substantial group as I read their blogs frequently and know what topics they are covering. I try to comment a lot here and give them some support as I think blogging on mental health is tough.

4) The Socializers: These are bloggers who like to chat and share ideas. I love them! I may leave a comment on their blog and then they reply back and I answer back. It’s a great way to get to know all sorts of bloggers and what they have to say. I’ve gotten great tips and ideas and support this way. If you’ve never tried to get a dialogue going with someone through comments you are missing out. These people often go from follower to “friend”.

5) The Chatters: The backbone of the blog. They will say something about everything. They are not afraid to hit “comment”. They’re the reason you blog. They let you know when you are doing it right. They are of the opinion like I am, that if you give a comment on someone else’s blog, it’s nice to get one back.

6) Friends: The fairly small group I can ask anything of. The group who knows when I feel like crap and is always there to cheer me up with their comments. They have good souls and give really good advice. If I’m having tech troubles with the blog I ask them. When I am desperate for a guest blog, they are there. Now, you might think these are all mental health bloggers but they are not. One is a foodie, one fixes motorcycles, and one is a homemade beauty blog. There’s everything in there.

So there you have it. My most interesting people of the past year. Where do I fit on your blog?

Blessed

I just have to write and tell how blessed I am right now.  My mood has been so stable this spring.  I’ve had one small episode of likely depression and another of anxiety, but other than hat, this spring has gone so well for me–much better than usual.  I used to ride a rollercoaster every year from February to May.  Sometimes up but mostly down, terrifyingly fast downswings.  But not this year.  I still have about a month to go but it’s not going to be long before I’m out of my danger zone and back into the summer swing of things–resting at home with my kids and vacationing with them come June.  We’ll have my oldest at home all summer, we think, so that will be a change of pace.  We will have to readjust to her, but right now I feel hopeful about just about everything.

Realistically, I know I have to watch for getting TOO high.  And I know the worm can turn just as quickly as I can say the words, “I am truly happy.”  Bob’s father is going to start undergoing his cancer treatment today at MD Anderson in Texas.  And I still have my worrisome bleeding.  But I feel confident I can meet those challenges right now without falling apart with God’s help.  And that’s the best feeling of all.  Have a great week!