It’s terrifying how quickly dark thoughts can swoop in at times. I’ve been battling with my own body of late, between a stomach virus and migraines and my fibromyalgia. I am pondering filing bankruptcy and things just stink right now. I am willing to admit suicidal thoughts have popped into my head quite a bit of late. I fight them and do something uplifting. I know I’m just in a depression now, that it’s part of the cycle of bipolar. Admittedly I have lapsed on taking my medicines regularly, mostly due to all the physical illnesses I’ve been plagued with.
I get so sick of taking so many medicines. I get sick of not sleeping well. I get sick of never feeling well. I get sick of so many parts of my illnesses. I loathe going into work most days, and being at home isn’t much better. I miss being a kid, of being able to shirk responsibilities and just hide.
What gets me through? prayer, my family, my cat. The online community, music and soft snuggly things all help, too. But it’s still so hard. I am so tired of having to constantly fight. I’m jealous of people who can do what they want physically with no repercussions. I’m jealous of people who can shrug off criticism and bad memories.
I’ve heard that allowing yourself to admit when things are not okay is just as important as recognizing when things are. So that is where I am right now, sad, tired and hurting. But I have survived so much and I know I will survive this rough patch.