Daily Archives: April 8, 2015

Tenuous Stability

I got cocky.
I felt “decent” for more than 24 hours and it was pseudo stability. I have come crashing back down to reality.
It’s not like I want to die.
Just not sure I want to be awake.
And that limbo is worse than wanting to live or die. That is certainty. This is exhausted apathy.

I am thrilled my thoughts are slowing down thus slowing the anxiety.

But I think I put too much stock in the Focalin curing all my ills and it simply isn’t. I am still imbalanced.
It. Sucks.

My kid asks me why I don’t work.
Just when I feel solid and think things are looking up…I hit a wall. No trigger aside from the exhaustive nature of living in the dish with the mundanes and trying to be something I’m not.
Ya know, balanced.

I was out of it today. My focus was ok, but my motivation was in the gutter. Everything irked me. I’m starting to view people emotionless soulless robots simply because their feelings are at odds with mine. Mainly because I acknowledge emotion whereas everyone else buries it all.
I just wanted to be home today. Not babysitting a grown child.
He had a bad day so it was all screaming, cursing, and banging on shit. It’s ok, he was frustrated.
Yet if I act like that, I’m just crazy.
Men suck that way.
People suck that way.
He thinks I am nuts.
His psychologist daughter has a phobia of COTTON BALLS.
Not to invalidate someone’s fears but if you knew this elitist know it all borderline ticking bomb…You’d understand my derision. She’s the one who thinks all psych issues are personality and meds aren’t necessary.
But now she’s facing her fear of cotton balls and has declared she’s going to force R to face his phobia of heights.
FFS, it’s okay to have a phobia or two.
THIS is where I part ways with the logic of psychology.
Fearing cotton balls seems irrational and a bit nutsy kookoo to me.
Whereas my fear of crowds is perfectly logical because crowds can stomp you to death.Mosh pit anyone?

I face my fear of crowds every time I go out and am in a room with more than three people.

Kind of resent being portrayed as some weakling who won’t even try to face the problem. I’ve made more progress toward my fear of crowds over fifteen years than Mr Perfect R has made with his fear of heights.
But he and his eldest daughter are always there to remind me how lacking I am. I’d never have known without the constant reminders.

Basically it’s circuit overload. I can only maintain the mundane normal routine of life at breakneck speed for a couple of days. It kicks my ass and sends me into a downward spiral. It pisses me off, too, because I am NOT weak. I do not like having limitations. It’s infuriating.
Just seems the more I fight it the worse it is. Maybe accepting your limitations isn’t entirely a bad thing.

Anyway…I’d hoped for a better outcome than this, but the focalin can only treat one disorder. It’s up to the other meds to work in concert to improve all the other disorders. That’s the worst part of having multiple diagnoses.
If you have depression alone, anti depressants can help.
If you are bipolar one, mood stabilizers will make it better.
If you have anxiety, a benzo or such can help.

But bipolar two with cyclothymic rapid shifts, generalized anxiety disorder, panic disorder, attention deficit disorder, seasonal affective disorder and bouts of paranoia…
It’s not as easily managed as the propaganda would have you believe.

I am trying.
Maybe my efforts are epic fails but I don’t just lay down and wave the white flag.
Too bad life doesn’t give you an E for effort.