Bad: I buried Yoda the kitten today. It was heartbreaking. Just three days ago it was bobbling across the floor and now…gone.
Good: The other two kittens are doing well. One is named Brimstone and the other is named Castiel. (Just love that character off Supernatural.)
The Reality: It took two and half days for me to force my ass into the shower. Greasy hair, half shaven legs, none of it motivated me. Until today when it got warm out and I started sweating. Wetwipes and whore baths aren’t gonna cut it during the warm months. Hell, I only showered six hours ago and already am sweaty enough for another one.
I spent most of the morning bullying myself into doing housework, eating. (My appetite is wayyyy down.)
More Reality: My kid is being the neurotic today. She brought home a field trip permission slip and even though it costs money, I decided to not being helicopter phobic mom and sign off on it. She shrieked with delight. Then has promptly spent the last three hours bawling, panicking, babbling and deciding she doesn’t want to go and be away from me. After having sleepovers for 20 plus hours multiple times, out of town.
I think I am contagious to her, she’s getting my neuroses. I am trying to encourage her and assuage her fears but…Yeah, I can’t even do that for myself. But she’s more resilient than I am. And fickle. Bet if one of her little friends says they’re going, she will change her mind.
YET More Reality:
Yesterday…R made a comment about, “Can I choke you for being irritating?”
And I flat out said, “Hey, I don ‘t wanna be here.”
And that insulted his enormous ego, of course. “Well, why not?”
Um…My kitten is home alone, dying, and not even its own mother will comfort and stand by him.
To which Mr Dead Inside says, “I should think you’d want to be here and get your mind off it.”
I was offended. I quietly said, “No one should ever have to die alone.”
That gave him pause.
It still disturbed me. Okay, not everyone is a bonafide animal nut like me. But I still wanted to be home with Yoda until the end, not humoring some overgrown emotionally dead man child. (Sounds hateful but it’s true, good people can still be disconnected from emotion and come off as robotic and cold.)
I have trouble with people being so disconnected from emotion.
Yet I’m not different. I just have more loyalty and empathy for animals than people. Yet were it someone more than a distant relative or acquaintance…I’d likely be right by their side, as well.
No one should ever have to die alone, even those (like me) who want to.
The depressive undertow baffles me. I can feel sadness and misery in stereo. Yet happiness is so fleeting I barely know I’ve felt it. Was that a moment of happiness, a spike in mood? I never know.
But for today…That’s the good, bad, the reality.
Same bat channel, same bat time tomorrow.
Rinse, lather, repeat.
That counts as optimism right? Outsourcing the smile thing to an emoticon?
Dead kittens make me sad as it well should be.