who yoo callin’ moody?

Instead of being classified as a mood disorder, bipolar disorder is now in the category of “bipolar and related disorders.” – DSM 5

Moods eh … moods. Moods moods moods moods moods.

Moods.

Moody moods.

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I’ve been thinking about moods a lot today, because mine is currently
deep,
down,
dark.
I could cite two causes for a bout of low level situational depression, but this mood is not that simple. It is constructed, I think, from the following fine and well priced materials: depression, anxiety and agitation. My hands have gone a bit numb, I’m light headed, my ears keep popping, my jaw is clenched harder than usual, I’m forgetting stuff from one minute to the next and yes, I am whining my head off. Goodbye, head – don’t forget to take my thrice cursed and misbegotten brain with you.

{On a largely unrelated note, I have xmas carols, sea shanties, hymns, Irish folk songs and 80s Afrikaans ballads echoing and earworming round my mind most of the time at the mo. Bizarre combination.}

Once again, I’ve done my best to make it go away. I was up at 6.30am, pottered in the garden a bit and chucked a ball around for the lovely dog, ate, took meds, cleaned the fridge, cleaned some bookshelves, did some laundry, reorganised the towels and linen, started to rough out another design to paint on my stoep and did some bitchstitching butchstitching redwork embroidery. Did I miss anything I should have done to improve the mood? I don’t. fucking. think so …

There was a blonde woman who co-hosted a TV programme with Iyanla Vanzant some years ago – some reality thing set in a house, with people moving their baggage about, symbolically presented as rocks in suitcases. Idk I never saw much of it, but my mother was fairly glued. Anyway, a catchphrase that the old bat quoted annoyingly often (by the aforementioned blonde who may or may not have been a therapist); it’s just an emotion, pick another one. Now, having briefly skimmed some of one of her books, I believe that she is an abuse survivor and worked hard and did well at getting into remission from PTSD. But THAT FUCKEN REMARK HAUNTS ME still and post bipolar diagnosis, irritates me even more.

Oh I can pick different and more positive emotions as easily as I can pick my nose, but I ain’t going to feel them. I won’t get that particular gear change right very much at all.

It’s just a nose, pick another one.

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I’ve tried the mood shift thing. A lot. Oy, negative emotions! I am not your bitch! Begone and never darken my door again! And the only reply is sly laughter and a clip round the ear. I wrestle anyway, when I can. There are times when it all flattens me so badly that I literally can’t move, think or talk. I think the sneakiest fucker of them all is anhedonia.

Soon the washing machine will beep and I will hang the laundry on a clothes horse in the sunshine, and at some point, a friend will come to collect her dog (I’m dogsitting) and probably stay for a cup of coffee. By that time, the day will be ending. If there’s a halfway decent sunset I’ll watch it. I’ll probably sit and watch the sky darken and the stars appear too. When I do that, I don’t switch any lights on for ages, if at all. During the evening I’ll be online some, maybe watch something on the laptop, or read, or sew.

You know, I have a freaking awesome life and the only things lacking are a little more money and a goddamn fucking break from sodding bollocking shitwitted bipolar pissing disorder. Jeeeeez universe, just give me a taste, a morsel of euthymia. Pdoc says I won’t recognise it, but I’d be delighted to test the theory. I have never, ever experienced it. Gimme!

Back to that DSM 5 quote right at the beginning … bipolar still disorders moods like nothing else on earth, but it’s good to see some recognition of the fact that moods and their swings are not 100% of bipolar traits and symptoms. Here’s an example; psychosis is not a mood. It’s not a badger either – hopefully you guys have all seen that liddle video by now.

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Btw, I didn’t reply to any comments on the labels post, because I tend to simply accept whatever anyone says on the subject as their stuff most of the time. At least I now know that I can count a teapot and a unicorn among my friends. Cool.

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