By Lois Caniglia
I wish I could get my creative juices flowing more frequently. I fear that if I say nothing, I am not doing my part to bring mental health awareness to full formation. If I was to lose viewers than my humble sharing will be silenced.
I fight for my health every day in ways most people don’t understand. I’m not lazy. I’m a warrior. –unknown-
It’s not that I have nothing to say, it is how I am feeling about myself that prevents me to express what I can contribute. It’s those times when I am consumed with negative thoughts that I become paralyzed to use my skill set effectively. Being imprisoned by my self-punishment. There are moments, days when I am filled with regret. Lost in my own self-loathing despite how well medicated. Taking my advice to apply my own interventions seems wasteful, as those negative voices will only crescendo with no sign of calmness in sight.
I surrender to riding this wave until I am free from my tussle. This is the time when I search for fellow bloggers on mental health, mental illness, bipolar, and recovery. When an article strikes a cord, I share it. I don’t want my exhaustion to silence my statement as a mental health advocate. I recently read a blog written by Natasha Tracy titled Bipolar Treatment Fatigue struck me hard enough to share on my FB page. https://www.facebook.com/pages/Mental-Illness-Living-Lets-Talk/349925245188610 It makes perfect sense that I am not being lazy but exhausted by the daily routine to fight against the chemical power within my black box (my mind). It answers to why my thoughts are distracted when attempting to mediate. My lack of desire to chart my mood, assess my thoughts and redirect my feelings. Despite my plans to sign up at my local YMCA, I excuse myself complaining of exhaustion.
I surrender to the numbness of my medications rather than my daily fight to sustain my activities of daily living. I am secure in the emptiness of my mind that is expressed externally as a blank stare. I can spend our evenings searching endless places of beauty that has me traveling the world. Taking a virtual tour of a custom home that is carefully constructed and ornately designed. Or viewing the expertise of a well crafted crocheted afghan on pinrest. Perhaps, these are my unconscious efforts or interventions to repair my mind back to a natural state of balance. I’m not so far gone that I can’t enjoy the surprise visit from our daughter or appreciate waking up to my husband having another day to spend together at home. His ability to make me smile or reciprocate a loving affection from his soft kisses comforts me. I still enjoy the playfulness of our puppies brings such joyful entertainment.
My life does not stop. There are plenty of moments of happiness that surrounds me. The negativity is felt like a cloud that hovers over my brain and stands out when I seek calmness. I could be perceived as the ol’ saying, “misery loves company”. Believe me, I’ve had enough misery to last my 3 lives. Misery is the very last thing I care to accompany. Natasha also wrote an article titled I’m Too Tired to Keep Fighting Bipolar Disorder. My fight is as she describes, “every second of every minute of every hour of every day” kind-of-life. It is “soul-suckingly, bone-crushingly exhaustion”. And this is exactly when I should be writing it down, sharing how I feel, and seeking for support and encouragement from others. Breaking the silence isn’t as easy as I may have made it appear.