et in circadia ego

I want to write about something I’ve never actually put into thought or words properly; I’ve always just felt it. Bleh, now it sounds as though I’m about to tell you something thrilling and scandalous. Welcome to the anticlimax …

The title refers (in a bad pun way) to the fact that it is often largely to do with my circadian rhythms; to be more precise, it’s the good old circadian slump. It arrived like a raincloud wearing boxing gloves at 4pm today; it usually happens round 7pm. Everyone has it to some extent; apparently most frequently round 3-4pm. I’m not usually aware of the jaw clenching and teeth grinding until there’s a fair bit of physical pain, but I’m hyperaware now (probably because I’m hypervigilant) and have been for about a week, I think. It’s a bit different to my usual grim and constant clenched jaw. It feels as though my teeth are on edge and that’s what I’m clenching and slowly grinding. I keep thinking they’re about to shatter and drop out.

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And depressed … it’s the kind that gives you a feeling that really does feel like sinking – feels like my centre of gravity has shifted to my belly. Emotions … dread, despair and an unbelievable amount of heartache and heartbreak, considering that there isn’t a situational cause at all. It seems to swoop in and suddenly I’m breathless and fuuuuck but everything is abysmal. Literally. It hurts, it really, really hurts. My teeth feel like razorblades. If I didn’t control it, I’d be rocking to and fro and sobbing. I hate this, I don’t sodding well want it. We’re past full moon, so things ought to be on the up, not feckin’ well spinning downhill out of control ffs. (The moon thing is from my shrink, who says that full moon depletes melatonin. I’m sceptical after reading the research on what melatonin actually does. Pity, I’ve screwed my chances of it working as a placebo if the research is right.)

Yet again, I’m also going to whinge about doing all the right things to no avail. Sudden thought! There’s a quote that is mostly misattributed to Einstein, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results.” (Benjamin Franklin and Mark Twain didn’t say it either – it appears to originate in Narcotics Anonymous literature from 1981.) Anyway. The quote – it assumes that ‘the same thing’ is a bad thing and I’d never thought of it before, but what if positive things are getting repeated. Well that whole concept just disintegrated eh? Don’t carry on doing stuff that doesn’t work is more like it.

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I am the digressingest blogger in all of space and time.

*makes shrieky retro tape cassette rewinding sounds*

Yet again, I’m also going to whinge about doing all the right things to no avail.

Out of bed 6.30am (a bit late but still fine)
Food, fluids, blood sugar ok, meds.
Exercise: walk dogs.
Social interaction: coffee with neighbour and her guest.
Chores: yep, house and gdn.
Creativity: roughed out a few designs to paint on my stoep floor, made embroidery butch again and roughed out the rest of it to stitch.
Used intelligence: does talking with intelligent friends count?
Time outside in the fresh air: plenty. Even some sunshine to top up the vit D.

What have I missed doing? *Grrrrrrrumble mutter growl*

At one point I got incredibly shaky and anxious about … sweet.fuck.all. It just happened. Adrenalin flood for no reason (as usual)(it’s the PTSD).

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Negative factors: Not enough sleep last night.

That aint enough to unleash this level of misery and fear. Knowing it’s actually all down to bipolar doesn’t stop me asking why, why, WHY? I could rustle up a list of things to fret and be melancholic about, but it isn’t that. If it was, there wouldn’t have been such a strangely violent spike. I felt winded by it.

Right now I’m light headed and anxious and the lead balloon in my guts is still there and I am ignoring the horrible depression by writing this, watching Dr Who and going outside from time to time to see what the clouds are doing. I have the front and back doors wide open and I’m counting my blessings. Aaaaaaaarrrrrrrgggghhhhhh!

Btw if you wondered why the images I’ve been posting lately are quite sweet and cheery, it’s to offset my intensive whining. I don’t want you guys to end up with your own pugilist rainclouds.

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