The Slide

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Late Saturday night-

Well, I’m not going to tell you that this first week in March has been the worst one of my life, but it certainly hasn’t been the best. As far as recovery goes, I think I’ve slid into the toilet.

I don’t feel manic or depressed. I can chat and laugh. But I do not feel like going anywhere. I mean anywhere.

I have cancelled a ton of stuff this past week. Especially doctor stuff. Nothing major that will hurt me, just routine stuff. But things that I need to get done. However, I just can’t get off the couch and go do them.

Part of me says “hey, you were doing too much” and feels like I need a vacation from my life. The other part says “who are you kidding?” and says to get up off of my ass.

Everything seems boring to me. There are two things I still really enjoy: blogging and listening to audio books. The blog is going really well. I have a lot of new followers and am getting a lot of positive, kind feedback. The schedule I set up for blog posting seems to be working. I am able to come up with posts without too much trouble.

The audio books are great. I have subscribed to audible.com and love it. I am lately into courtroom dramas and some occasional fiction. And I am working my way through a book my best friend has written (which is very good by the way!) So I am enjoying reading which is a good sign I am not slipping into depression.

I had a good February and have just had a rough start to March. I have not exercised at all. Because of that, I feel pretty sluggish and creepy. I have such a nice exercise schedule set up…there’s no reason not to do it. I haven’t been drinking my water like I am supposed to. Lots of other food has been going in my mouth, although I did lose a pound. But I’m just not staying on my food plan.

Let’s don’t talk about the shower. I went four days last week with no shower because I didn’t go anywhere. Ick. I finally felt so gross I took one even though I didn’t “have” to.

I ditched church last week and called in sick to my women’s support group. I ditched my bipolar support group. I ditched happy hour with a friend of mine. I didn’t go to the dentist, the bone density scan place, or the place to get glasses.

I DID go next door to the neighbors to eat dinner but cancelled with some other friends of ours. We were also supposed to go to a casual dinner party tonight but I said no. I am just PEOPLED OUT!

I’m sort of caught up with my friends. I just want to take this next week off but I’ve got stuff to go to. We’re leaving town week after next and I have some stuff to do before then. Anyway, I’m going to minimize my activities this week and try to take it easy. What I’d like to do is get back on my food and exercise this coming week and then hit the social and doctor thing the week we get back from our travels.

Today was a mess. I decided to get up early and go with my husband and a friend to hit a thrift store, get a hamburger, and then do some other shopping. But for some unknown reason, I popped out of bed and grabbed my med container and took my NIGHT meds. So I am riding around and really yawning. I also was really hungry! We got to the thrift store and everything sort of started swimming around. I went back out and sat in the car. Dizzy and yawning, I started getting suspicious. I had only mistaken my meds one time before, but it was not funny. I made it to the hamburger, then home and collapsed on the couch. My husband checked my meds and sure enough, I had taken the night ones. He then said to me “You need to be careful…you took the wrong ones!” (Ass.)

I slept most of the day away. Another non-productive day in lily’s life.

Tomorrow my big goal is to get to church and then to walk the dog for exercise. As I mentioned earlier, I’d like to ease back into the food and exercise plan. So far, my March spreadsheet is a disaster.

I think I am getting a poor attitude. I am tired of having to take meds. I am tired of being hungry. I am tired of having low energy. I wish I could get up and instantly be enthused about everything. I don’t like being afraid of the shower. I am tired of liking my friends but feeling too “blah” to go do something with them.

My support groups are driving me crazy. I just feel impatient when I am there. It’s hard to get there. I’d rather stay home.

I am looking forward to our trip next week. My husband is going to a convention and I am going too. Right after that, we’re picking up a friend at the airport and driving out of town to her home for a visit. She lives in a lovely town and her husband is a joy. It’ll be a nice time.

What a pity party this post has been! I have so much to be thankful for. I am not immobile in bed. I am not crying. I am not out of control manic. It could be so much worse.

Patience.

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