it doesn’t necessarily get better and i don’t necessarily got this

Trigger warnings: tedious whining and whining tedium.

So, another reason this blog is important to me, is that I can say the stuff I can’t in meatspace. Mostly because people are too busy or bored with me to hear the same whinge ad nauseam, ad infinitum. (I’m trying to avoid ad hominem.)

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Occasionally I’ll get a comment that makes me feel guilty, but it’s so infrequent as to be negligible. It’s also, I think, good for me to see those things and get past them. Offline, I generally withdraw and go so silent that my throat starts feeling rusty. I just can’t seem to voice stuff very well at all. For an eloquent (verbose) creature, I can be incredibly slow to process stuff and incredibly clumsy at expressing it.

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Today my neighbour said I looked pale around the gills (she tends to slice and splice idioms endearingly). I feel it too – and green about the gills when the intermittent nausea gets its mittens on me. I am

down

down

down

and yes things are finite, but 18 months of depression and occasional mixed episodes have taught me that it’s wiser not to presume that it’ll all be okay anytime soon. Or at all. Or whatever. Finite is no effing guarantee of fine.

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Disclaimer: the following applies to me and me only, despite all my blanket statements and generalisations. I am genuinely glad if they’re working for people. Other people. They’re doing squat for me.

It gets better said a campaign for us queers. Well, I am extremely fortunate enough to say that for me, it never needed to. But the rest of my country and continent? No. There are still 37 or so countries where it’s illegal, places where it incurs the death penalty and here, there’s the horrific concept of ‘curative’ rape. What got better? Our constitution (after Mandela was released) is liberal – we were the 5th country in the world to instate gay marriage. On the ground, eff all has changed really. Some horrors have shifted around slightly between various populations here, but they’re still happening. And home affairs officials are entitled to refuse to perform gay marriages and there are places where they are decidedly shitty about it. It gets better? Fallacy.

You’ve got this ohhhkaaaay. What the fuck does that actually mean? I know I have bipolar, I know I understand it sooo …
Remember when you were first diagnosed with Bipolar? You may have felt frightened and unsure about the future. Now you have the opportunity to give hope and advice to those by telling them, “You’ve got this.”
Yeeeees, but what does it actually mean? Naturally, I googled:
1. Inf. I agree to what you asked!; You will get what you want! You want a green one? You got it! This one? You got it!
2. . Inf. You are right! That’s exactly right! You got it! That’s the answer. You got it!
Erm … ? I googled further down the rabbit hole and found the explanation of the bipolar you’ve got this campaign on a site that wasn’t the official campaign site.
The meaning of You’ve Got This is two-fold. On the one hand, it means you have MS (or HIV or bipolar disorder) but it also means that you can handle this, you are not alone, and you’ve got this.
Whut? I frequently cannot handle it and am even more frequently alone with it. You’ve got this? Fallacy.

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I actually think those catchphrase campaigns downplay the severity of things, causing all sorts of misconceptions. I also feel that they’re about as erudite as fortune cookies and thus an insult to my intelligence. If I sound pompous, too damn bad. I’m tired of a society that can’t take care of its sick, hurling fluffy marketing spin and platitudes at me.

I love and agree with the following …

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I know how to locate silver linings, but I also know that there isn’t anything over any rainbows. Society, I’m tough, but ffs stop invalidating my struggles.

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