What’s going on

I haven’t self injured in a while. I had a bad tdoc session where all I did was cry or sit in silence. It sucked.

I’m seeing a dietitian and she gave me a bunch of recipes, a book on high calorie smoothies, and a grocery shopping list. She was very nice. I weigh 95lbs. Too low. People are concerned. I am not engaging in eating disordered behaviour, meaning I’m not doing it on purpose. Smoothies seem to be the best idea. I love smoothies. Just need to pick up my blender which is at my moms.

I’ve been knitting a lot. Getting a lot of projects done. I love to knit. Did you know that it’s like meditating? (Well, unless you screw up!) It’s good for the brain AND I get something cool from it. Here are a few projects I’ve done lately.

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The Afternoon Shawl. This took 6 day and the sides and back are about waist-length.

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A hooded cowl that’s too big for me, but fits my roommate, and keeps her warm. I’m so glad she loves it!

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An afghan square. There are a few mistakes, and it needs to be blocked, but I’m happy with it.

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The Leafy Sea Dragon scarf, it ruffles really neat and is very warm.

My Wellbutrin was increased to 450mg, and I take 300mg Seroquel now. Everything else is the same. I switched pharmacies, to the one my pdoc has in the building he works in, and they’re great so far.

Mood-wise I’ve been a bit blah. Restless. It’s been too cold or snowy (or both) to go riding. I went 2 weeks ago and spent 15 min riding, it was so cold in the indoor arena, my face just froze immediately. I don’t handle the heat and cold very well. It’s a med thing.

Been working on some websites. Being a bit productive, but staying home a lot. No hallucinations or delusions, but mild akathasia from the Piportil depot injection. So I take more Artane, and it helps, and keeps the psychosis away.

Questioning my rotator cuff surgery. My roommate gave me a reality check in that I need to do it ASAP and that it will help, she’ll take care of me. I need the surgery, but I don’t want it. 9 months rehab! I do have a phenomenal ortho doc though. He could do this surgery with his eyes closed and one hand tied behind his back.

So I guess I’m doing the surgery. Still waiting on a date. I do need to do it. One month immbilization is going to suck. Narcotics can make me angry, and I’m sensitive to them (when I did the original damage: fractured humerus, shattered shoulder, torn rotator cuff) I had to take Percocet 5mg in quarters if I wanted to stay awake. It knocked me out, but it controlled the pain. I was very irritable though.

I’m scared of being immobilized for a month. It’s my right arm and I’m right handed. I have the support of my roommate and parents to take me to all appointments, cook, clean, etc, which is fantastic. I was immobilized for 6 weeks when I broke it, so I know what to expect. I’m not scared of the surgery, my surgeon is literally the best in Canada, but I’m scared of the rehab and pain after.

But I have to do it. If I don’t, my shoulder will get worse and worse. I can’t lift above my head. It hurts all the time. One month where everything sucks is much better than living with it, or it getting worse (which it will). I’ve lost a lot of range of motion, strength, etc. I’m young and heal fast, so this summer is a good time.

Enough of my rambling.

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