31 days of bipolar:15-31

I’m really bored with this now, so I’m taking the lazy route.

31 days meme

15. What would you ask your future self if you could?

Have you experienced euthymia yet? Are you still so alone? Did you dream again?

16. If you could plan the best possible treatment strategy for your bipolar self, what would it look like?

Exactly what I have now, plus a nearby human support system.
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17. If bipolar was a real thing or being, what would it look, sound and behave like?

A wizened, ugly creature burrowing through my brain and eating bits of it all the way. This one is way too cuddly:
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18. If big pharma was actually listening, what would you say about bipolar meds?

Any chance you could work on reducing the side effects of existing meds, lower their prices and consider patients before profits? Because the current system is a major fuckup.

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18. What don’t people without bipolar understand about people with it?

I can only speak for myself; at this stage – and it’s completely understandable – I don’t think people get that I really can’t wrestle myself out of episodes. I’ve been wrestling so hard since I was a kid.

19. If religion and/or spirituality is a part of your mental health regime: what, how and why?

Hmmm. Raised catholic, dabbled in buddhism – it did me a lot of good. I still do the walking meditation. I used to read the dhamapadda to stay focused. These days I attempt compassion, am an atheist, but wouldn’t argue with concrete evidence.

20. Do you consider yourself creative? How do you express that? What piece of work (or whatever is applicable) are you most proud of?

Struggling back towards it, perhaps. I’ve lost the joy in what I’m good at.

21. Are you content with it being called bipolar affective disorder, or would you rather revert to manic depression, or rename it completely? Why?

Either manic depressive or either of two archaic names: manico-melancolicus, la folie circulaire. Or something impenetrably latin of greek. Just not bloody binary bipolar.

22. Side effects … what meds gave you the worst one/s, how did/do you treat it/them, and do you still get any side effects now?

Lithium – and I wish I’d tolerated ot better, I did the research and I reckon it’s the best. I got rashes and acne and dry mouth and diarrhoea and vomiting, the last two to a horrible degree. Probiotics for the skin stuff (effective), extra fluids and stoicism.

23. Why do you blog about bipolar?

To educate myself about it and to connect with comrades.

24. How much of your life has been stable/euthymic, depressed and hypo/manic?

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Mostly depressed, some hypo&mania, little or no euthumia, I dunno.

25. What state are you in right now, when did it start and what are your goals and hopes about it?

Depressed, 18 months ago and I’ve let go of hope and expectation.
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26. How do you see your future beyond the state you are in currently?

I don’t.

27. What do you see as the most important thing in your treatment regime, and why?

Meds, because they not only treat the disorder, but lessen and repair brain damage.

28. To what extent do you tell people that you’re bipolar, and why?

Just those very close to me, because I’m reclusive.

29. Of all the famous people (dead and alive) who are allegedly bipolar, who would you pick as your favourite, and why?

If he really was bipolar, Kurt Cobain. Because he screamed the pain I felt (feel) and was (I think) utterly uncomfortable in the world. If not … I guess Stephen Fry or Carrie Fisher. Idk.

30. What meds are you on now? Have you found your ‘magic cocktail’?

Lamotrigine, concerta, serdep, wellbutrin. No.

31. Have you attempted suicide? What, when, why, how and what did you learn?

Age 23 and 41. Razor and pills. The first time gave me a really good jolt into loving life hard. The second time just left me feeling like a stupid failure. I learned how freaking hard it is to kill yourself.

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