Daily Archives: February 2, 2015

Muh muh muh muh my neuroses

Just put that title to the tune of “My Sharona” by The Knack.
Catchy stupid song. R has been on a Knack kick. Which is better than last week’s Gnarls Barkley’s “I got high”. Funny but braindead stoner humor. Let’s stick to cheesy 80 one hit wonders.

Well. We got four inches of snow over the weekend. It’s the midwest so that’s pretty standard and mild. Yet the natives were all rushing to the store “stocking up” on supplies like a blizzard was coming. Dumbasses.
I didn’t even bother digging my car out til this morning to take Spook to school. Couldn’t be arsed to do shit all weekend.
I only went out of the gate running today because R supposedly needed to go on an outcall and I needed cigarettes. Well, I haul my ass in before 8 and he has changed his mind because the roads are too bad. Coulda given me a heads up, ass trash. (If Becca ever puts a patent on that term, I am gonna owe an ass ton of royalties.)
So I thought, great I will just go home. Then I remember the car is on E and I won’t have gas money til tomorrow and I need what’s left to fetch Spook. So I was stuck. And I mean stuck. He was in a pissy mood, doing fuck all, shoving his iphone in my face every ten minutes with some inane youtube thing. (smart phones are the devil’s invention.)
And because we didn’t cover one hit wonders enough last week, I was subjected to more of The Knack and their Behind the Music special. ENOUGH. It’s one thing to want to share something on occasion. But to share EVERYTHING CONSTANTLY…UGHHH.
Which was reinforced when he logged onto Facebook to check out some pix his wife posted. I swear the woman, and every person on Facebook, doesn’t go pee without updating their status or posting a damned picture. Isn’t that the height of narcissism? To think you are so important every tiny aspect of your day must be posted to social media because the lives of others might implode without the knowledge that your grandkid tried to eat their own toes?
Even in my myspace days, all I really did was post snarky graphics and band promotions. I’m not that interesting. Social media is lost on me because I am a misanthrope I guess. And were I to not be a hypocrite, I suppose Facebook esque posting is no different than my redundant ADD woe is my mental illness blog. Least this is done to vent and maybe educate rather than just validate my existence by making me feel important enough to others to view it. Read it, don’t read it. Whatevs. I wasn’t popular in high school, I don’t need it now. I have cats.

So neuroses…
Ah, yes.
Deviation. I do not like it when things deviate from the “norm”. People have always been critical and mean to me so when they compliment me I can smile and say thank you…But I wonder what they’re up to or if they were being snarkastic.
Last night..R wanted to come by.
Um….
That doesn’t happen.
But then I realized, his wife headed back to her job out of town and his kids all had plans, I was the last ditch effort to avoid being by himself. I love being used. It makes me feel all warm and fuzzy, especially knowing I am only good company when every single other person one knows is busy.
Oh, well. He brought Mangoritas and let my kid wallow him, which gave me a break from being the human jungle gym.
Still, the whole time until he got here, all my paranoid brain could do was FREAK OUT BECAUSE THIS IS DEVIATION. What bad news is he bringing? Has he replaced me at the shop with a helper monkey? (Because while I may not get paid, my servitude there ensures my smoke and booze habits never come out of my budget for my kid, home, and cats, and the monkey doesn’t need that as much as I do.)
Then it was, omg, did someone we know die?
Round and round my paranoid brain went. My anxiety climbed into the stratosphere. Because he does not visit, almost never, and when he does, it is generally because I’ve asked him to come fix something for the last six months and he’s finally penciled me in. Deviation freaks me out.

I got to sleep easily. Couldn’t stay asleep. Kept waking up. Smiling when I didn’t see the bed mooch beside me. Then at 4 a..m I woke and OH MY GOD SHE’S SLEPT IN MY BED HALF THE NIGHT EVERY NIGHT FOR THREE WEEKS THIS IS A DEVIATION THIS IS BAD MUST GO POKE HER WITH A STICK FOR SIGNS OF LIFE!!!!!
And while the stick thing is not literal, I did go into her room and listen to make sure she was breathing.
Deviation.
I want my bed back, both because she needs to be a big girl and sleep on her own, plus she’s a blanket piglet. But…deviation, damn it.
And so I was up from 4 until 5:30 am…Plagued with bizarre dreams…And the alarm went off at 6:10.
Bloody hell. The mood crash, deviation, further deviation, not sleeping…GRRR.
I am special to pack so much neurotic dysfunction into one 12 hour period.

But alas the dish time is done. I am in my safe bubble. I have two packs of smokes. My kid is not currently channeling Satan.
All is less sucky.
It won’t last.
Because it’s all about muh muh muh muh my neuroses.

Yeah, I’m weird that.


KISS

I probably should mention the fact that my stress levels have dropped dramatically since we got settled into our new place. On a 1-10 scale, I used to be in the 8 or 9 range; now it’s more like 1-2. Of course there’s always SOME stress involved, especially with finances, but then I fretted about money when I was making $60K a year, so that’s nothing new.

I don’t know how to live this way quite yet. I’ve been stressed and anxious for most of my adult life; but this move has taken a great deal of pressure off me. After all, we have a decent roof over our heads,we are warm and dry,and our rent and bills were paid before the first of the month. I know we owe a fortune to our former landlords, the hospital,and the utility companies,but there’s nothing we can do about it. So why worry?

It’s amazing how living simply takes so much of the heavy decision-making off the table. We’ll be SOL if something happens to the car or if I don’t get disability, but we don’t have to choose food over medicine, or rent over electricity. In other words, all we really have to do is put one foot in front of the other.

And I can’t help but think that’s the lesson in all this. I learned about “one day at a time” in AA, but never made it my own. Now I get it, and it’s a game-changer.

I still think about what’s happened in my life over the past several years and wish it hadn’t, but it did and it can’t be undone. I’ve forgiven myself; there is a reason for everything and perhaps surviving a while longer is it. I was so close to suicide in October that it still scares the hell out of me; now I wonder how I could even have thought it was an option. As hard as it is to be flat broke and living in someone else’s house, it’s a hell of a lot better than being dead.

So is keeping it simple and being mostly stress-free for the first time in ages. Long may it last.


Life Goes On





It's been 9 months since I wrote my last blog. I don't know why I stopped. It certainly wasn't because I had nothing to say.....I always have something to say!! I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts on paper. So much has happened, so much is different yet life goes on just the same!! As far as Bipolar goes I've actually been reasonably "stable" for a while. By stable I mean I haven't been hypomanic since I started taking my meds again and I haven't been so depressed that I felt suicidal. Even with some pretty significant things that have happened I've managed to keep in reasonable control. I know 100% that it's partly due to medication and partly due to the fact that I am getting so much better at recognising problems before they get out of hand. For me that's the key. Before I was properly diagnosed I had no idea what was going on let alone what I could do to help myself. I know and accept that I need help from my GP and mental health services but I also realise that in order to stay well I have to take some responsibility. It's not easy. I have had some pretty down times but I sought help and managed to bring myself back up. As well as the Lithium I'm now taking a tiny dose of antidepressant. I wasn't sure as antidepressants can induce a manic episode in people with Bipolar, which is what happened to me before. My psychiatrist assured me that taking it alongside the Lithium, which is a mood stabiliser, would minimise the risk but would hopefully be enough to raise my mood. It works well and so far it's the best combination of meds I've had, with the least side effects.

 From an outsiders point of view I guess I have a cushy little life. I have my flat, my dog, no job responsibilities and enough money to live on. Don't get me wrong I'm very content with my lot but day to day life is not easy. Even when I'm stable the simplest of things can be such a huge deal. Every day is a challenge. Sometimes just getting dressed is a huge task. It's the little everyday things that take all my effort and energy. Normal everyday things seem harder to cope with nowadays. I find it hard to cope with too many things going on. I've been volunteering in a charity shop again and it's great but I still don't know if I could cope with a "proper" job yet. It's nothing to do with whether I'm able, it's whether I can be reliable. I can't say I'm really happy but I am sometimes. I'm sure I'm not mean't to be a miserable person and I try not to let people see when I'm unhappy. That's the hardest thing. My type of Bipolar means that I'm depressed more than high and it's hard work putting on a smile when I just want to cry. 
It's impossible to write about the last 9 months in one go. I can't. I think one of the things that's had the biggest impact on me was losing a really close friend. He took his own life. I miss him so much. I will write about it all one day but not yet. The most positive thing to happen was being reunited with my son. He's been drug free for 10 months. I will definitely be writing a blog about that. There is someone else who really got to me. More than I thought possible. I did write a blog but decided not to post it. I'm not sure I'll ever quite get my head around it but some things just happen and that's that.
I feel like I've drifted apart from a lot of people. It's my own fault. I tend to shut myself off and then time goes by and it's harder to do anything about it. I'm still really lucky to have my best friend and her family. I think I'd find things much more difficult without their support. 
I feel like I've drifted away from my own family a bit. I know I need to make more effort. 
I can't believe I've had Libby (my dog) for nearly a year now. She's the one constant in my life. She definitely keeps me going. I've made some really lovely friends because of her and that's been a huge bonus.
I've got things planned for this year and I'm determined not to miss out on any them. 
So, I guess life just goes on and things are ok really. 


Life Goes On





It's been 9 months since I wrote my last blog. I don't know why I stopped. It certainly wasn't because I had nothing to say.....I always have something to say!! I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts on paper. So much has happened, so much is different yet life goes on just the same!! As far as Bipolar goes I've actually been reasonably "stable" for a while. By stable I mean I haven't been hypomanic since I started taking my meds again and I haven't been so depressed that I felt suicidal. Even with some pretty significant things that have happened I've managed to keep in reasonable control. I know 100% that it's partly due to medication and partly due to the fact that I am getting so much better at recognising problems before they get out of hand. For me that's the key. Before I was properly diagnosed I had no idea what was going on let alone what I could do to help myself. I know and accept that I need help from my GP and mental health services but I also realise that in order to stay well I have to take some responsibility. It's not easy. I have had some pretty down times but I sought help and managed to bring myself back up. As well as the Lithium I'm now taking a tiny dose of antidepressant. I wasn't sure as antidepressants can induce a manic episode in people with Bipolar, which is what happened to me before. My psychiatrist assured me that taking it alongside the Lithium, which is a mood stabiliser, would minimise the risk but would hopefully be enough to raise my mood. It works well and so far it's the best combination of meds I've had, with the least side effects.

 From an outsiders point of view I guess I have a cushy little life. I have my flat, my dog, no job responsibilities and enough money to live on. Don't get me wrong I'm very content with my lot but day to day life is not easy. Even when I'm stable the simplest of things can be such a huge deal. Every day is a challenge. Sometimes just getting dressed is a huge task. It's the little everyday things that take all my effort and energy. Normal everyday things seem harder to cope with nowadays. I find it hard to cope with too many things going on. I've been volunteering in a charity shop again and it's great but I still don't know if I could cope with a "proper" job yet. It's nothing to do with whether I'm able, it's whether I can be reliable. I can't say I'm really happy but I am sometimes. I'm sure I'm not mean't to be a miserable person and I try not to let people see when I'm unhappy. That's the hardest thing. My type of Bipolar means that I'm depressed more than high and it's hard work putting on a smile when I just want to cry. 
It's impossible to write about the last 9 months in one go. I can't. I think one of the things that's had the biggest impact on me was losing a really close friend. He took his own life. I miss him so much. I will write about it all one day but not yet. The most positive thing to happen was being reunited with my son. He's been drug free for 10 months. I will definitely be writing a blog about that. There is someone else who really got to me. More than I thought possible. I did write a blog but decided not to post it. I'm not sure I'll ever quite get my head around it but some things just happen and that's that.
I feel like I've drifted apart from a lot of people. It's my own fault. I tend to shut myself off and then time goes by and it's harder to do anything about it. I'm still really lucky to have my best friend and her family. I think I'd find things much more difficult without their support. 
I feel like I've drifted away from my own family a bit. I know I need to make more effort. 
I can't believe I've had Libby (my dog) for nearly a year now. She's the one constant in my life. She definitely keeps me going. I've made some really lovely friends because of her and that's been a huge bonus.
I've got things planned for this year and I'm determined not to miss out on any them. 
So, I guess life just goes on and things are ok really. 


Life Goes On





It's been 9 months since I wrote my last blog. I don't know why I stopped. It certainly wasn't because I had nothing to say.....I always have something to say!! I just couldn't seem to get my thoughts on paper. So much has happened, so much is different yet life goes on just the same!! As far as Bipolar goes I've actually been reasonably "stable" for a while. By stable I mean I haven't been hypomanic since I started taking my meds again and I haven't been so depressed that I felt suicidal. Even with some pretty significant things that have happened I've managed to keep in reasonable control. I know 100% that it's partly due to medication and partly due to the fact that I am getting so much better at recognising problems before they get out of hand. For me that's the key. Before I was properly diagnosed I had no idea what was going on let alone what I could do to help myself. I know and accept that I need help from my GP and mental health services but I also realise that in order to stay well I have to take some responsibility. It's not easy. I have had some pretty down times but I sought help and managed to bring myself back up. As well as the Lithium I'm now taking a tiny dose of antidepressant. I wasn't sure as antidepressants can induce a manic episode in people with Bipolar, which is what happened to me before. My psychiatrist assured me that taking it alongside the Lithium, which is a mood stabiliser, would minimise the risk but would hopefully be enough to raise my mood. It works well and so far it's the best combination of meds I've had, with the least side effects.

 From an outsiders point of view I guess I have a cushy little life. I have my flat, my dog, no job responsibilities and enough money to live on. Don't get me wrong I'm very content with my lot but day to day life is not easy. Even when I'm stable the simplest of things can be such a huge deal. Every day is a challenge. Sometimes just getting dressed is a huge task. It's the little everyday things that take all my effort and energy. Normal everyday things seem harder to cope with nowadays. I find it hard to cope with too many things going on. I've been volunteering in a charity shop again and it's great but I still don't know if I could cope with a "proper" job yet. It's nothing to do with whether I'm able, it's whether I can be reliable. I can't say I'm really happy but I am sometimes. I'm sure I'm not mean't to be a miserable person and I try not to let people see when I'm unhappy. That's the hardest thing. My type of Bipolar means that I'm depressed more than high and it's hard work putting on a smile when I just want to cry. 
It's impossible to write about the last 9 months in one go. I can't. I think one of the things that's had the biggest impact on me was losing a really close friend. He took his own life. I miss him so much. I will write about it all one day but not yet. The most positive thing to happen was being reunited with my son. He's been drug free for 10 months. I will definitely be writing a blog about that. There is someone else who really got to me. More than I thought possible. I did write a blog but decided not to post it. I'm not sure I'll ever quite get my head around it but some things just happen and that's that.
I feel like I've drifted apart from a lot of people. It's my own fault. I tend to shut myself off and then time goes by and it's harder to do anything about it. I'm still really lucky to have my best friend and her family. I think I'd find things much more difficult without their support. 
I feel like I've drifted away from my own family a bit. I know I need to make more effort. 
I can't believe I've had Libby (my dog) for nearly a year now. She's the one constant in my life. She definitely keeps me going. I've made some really lovely friends because of her and that's been a huge bonus.
I've got things planned for this year and I'm determined not to miss out on any them. 
So, I guess life just goes on and things are ok really. 


Evened Out. . . Except for My Future

Well, I’ve recovered well from my surgery and now go back into full-out turbo-work mode again–this week is dedicated to getting ready for my little one’s tenth birthday party.  We’re going to be having a “Frozen”-themed sleepover on Friday night and then have a party just for family members on Saturday afternoon.  Baking, cleaning, organizing–all those things I’m not as good at as I used to be.  So I’m feeling a little unsteady about that.

Then there is the question of my future.  My department chair wants to know if I plan to teach next fall, and I do not know what to tell her.  I got a major disappointment in that realm; while I was down with my surgery, I put together a homework assignment to cover what we would have gone over in class.  Right at  half my students never even bothered doing it.  I had two that sent it but it did not get to me, one who sent it in a bad file, and 12 others who submitted work.  I have about 33 students total this year.  And none came with an explanation as to why they had not completed it.  They will see the results in their papers they are wrting this week when they demonstrate that they do not understand the concepts the homework assignment was supposed to get across.

So I am putting out feelers for other avenues.  I would really like to teach creative writing on the college level–the prospects of teaching students who really WANT to learn how to write excites me.  I have called/contacted two other colleges in the area and plan to contact one more and see if they would be willing to hire me as an adjunct to teach Introduction to Creative Writing.  I’ve also renewed my call for students for my homeschcool class to start in March and am wondering what will come of that.

The sticking point is always going to be my condition, though.  How much can I take on to do?  I also have a feeler out to a academic press here in town for a part-time unpaid internship as an editorial assistant to see how I would like that kind of work.  I hate the idea of working for free but love the thought of working around books and editors and authors in a creative environment.  I won’t hear from that until around April, however, for the summer session.

So if anyone wants to pray for me to have discernment and direction, that would be welcomed.


a serious & celeb linkdump

This is a long (drop) of a linkdump. I hope you find at least one thing fascinating.

Serious Stuff:

The three top side effects I refuse to live with are: weight gain, a tremor, and a loss of sex drive. But, for the first time in the decade that I’ve been on different meds with an array of side effects, I am letting the lack of a sex drive go. Why? Weird.
Side Effects & My Sex Drive

A diagnosed mental illness is rarely just a state of mind, but a very real inability to accurately perceive reality, keep emotional balance or maintain good cognitive function. Only recently have the true causes of illnesses like chronic depression or schizophrenia begun to emerge, and more than seeing the obvious psychological symptoms and emotional triggers, something on the neurological level – widespread across the synapses – is becoming clear.
‘Manic depression’ was changed to a more descriptive ‘bipolar disorder’, but when someone hears the new, two-worded title, they may still falsely suppose they know enough about what they’re hearing: “sometimes happy, sometimes sad”. The term ‘bipolar’ does nothing to describe the biological reason for prolonged manic or depressed periods.
The problem with current mental illness terminology

The Bipolar Diet
The first lines of defense against bipolar disorder are often medication and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, but the impact of diet and exercise should not be discounted. Here is a list of foods shown to improve — and worsen — symptoms of bipolar disorder.

Patients in Israel report a fast reaction and improvement in their feeling within two or so hours of receiving treatment.
Ketamine

When her lab used optogenetic stimulation of dopamine neurons deep in the brains of mice, they began racing around their cages at a time of day when they normally would have been quiet. Her lab is now working on the other side of the bipolar equation, trying to see if light pulses to the brain’s daily rhythm control area can induce depression or relieve depression in mice that have been put under stress.
Pittsburgh research lab

“I’ve got to tell you, if you haven’t been told, I will tell you. I think bipolar is like the latest fad,” he told the woman. “Everybody and their brother is getting diagnosed with bipolar. And last time I checked, we all have good days and we all have bad. And I don’t consider that an illness. And I don’t consider it a disability.”
source

Indeed, manic depression, an emotional seesaw, oscillating between exhilarating highs and devastating lows, is cited as one of the reasons why there are so many mad men and insanity out there in the streets. But it would appear that neither the society nor the critical agencies of government are paying attention to this malaise.
Why are Nigerians committing suicide?

image

Years of taking lithium had ruined Hymes’s kidneys. She was on a transplant wait list as she served on the task force, spending much of her free time going to dialysis. She coped with humor. A stickler for wearing seat belts, Hymes would chide an unbuckled Rose, saying, “Are we donating? I’ll take your kidney.”
source

Baird discovered that her father had kept a handwritten journal, which he titled Echoes from a Dungeon Cell , that tracked the disorder and its treatment.
Book: He Wanted the Moon

Classic mania of bipolar disorder is cyclical, within severe and disabling mood and behaviour episodes of acute depression and full-blown mania. It’s easily recognisable mainly because it thinks and behaves grandiose, psychotic, and elated with “superhuman energy and libido and reckless judgment.” My current episode is milder.
Hypomania (Trinidad & Tobago)

Bipolar disorder, manic depression, these are conditions where the brain simply can’t regulate the production of chemicals that keep it functioning. My particular flavor of depression most often manifests as anxiety, but the fact is that I slingshot between happiness and despondency so quickly I hardly know what’s happening.
Dismantling the Chaos

Whether the uber-successful – the CEOs, the founders, the innovators – are more or less prone to depression than the average person is a tricky and fascinating, not to mention controversial, question. We know that the average CEO is more likely to possess subtle psychopathic traits and be more prone to addiction.
Why the super successful get depressed

image

Celeb Stuff:

Matthew Perry told me during filming, ‘Comedians don’t have a franchise on misery and loneliness.’ But they do have a pretty good corner on the market.”
Documentary: Misery Loves Comedy

In the best way, this is a film about an individual that’s shown to be compelling beyond the songs, a story of loneliness and rebellion that’s perfectly in keeping with the lyrical content for which he is most associated. This is story of a troubled kid who struggled with depression and intoxicants, but also one who found solace experimenting with his guitar and his tape recording, making soudscapes or mixtapes (dubbed on one a “Montage of Heck”) that exposes both his raw talent and his stoner immaturity.
Documentary: Kurt Cobain: Montage of Heck

Playing a housewife named Laney, Silverman tells the story of a woman who plummets into manic-depression with heavy alcohol and drug use, and multiple affairs.
Sarah Silverman in I Smile Back

It’s frustrating to know that there is an opportunity for the Kardashians to use their stardom to take on advocacy for mental health awareness, but don’t. Yes, people have a right to their mental health privacy but, when you allow a film crew into your house to document the ongoing of a family’s life, and leave out a member suffering from depression, it underscores how far we have not come to using the tool of reality television, coupled with the star power of such a family, to take this topic head on
Rob Kardashian & Depression

Pete says his children are ”the ultimate happy pill” and have helped him to manage his depression after years of self-medicating .
Pete Wentz worries kids will be bopolar

The summer before he disappeared, Richey – who self-harmed and had problems with anorexia, alcohol and depression, was treated at psychiatric units at Whitchurch Hospital in Cardiff and The Priory in Roehampton.
Richey Manic’s sister speaks

In the fortnight before his disappearance it was found that he had been withdrawing about £200 each day from his bank account, a total of £2,800.
What happened to Richey Manic?

image

If you’d told me a few days.  years ago that I’d be the star of a viral video watched by millions of people, I’d never have believed you. Maybe you’ve seen the video — I’m the guy who someone filmed on their phone singing along to Rihanna on the tube, while other commuters tried to keep a straight face.
I was going through depression, anxiety, manic episodes, self-harm, and voices and illusions in my head. But I kept it all to myself, and over time I became more withdrawn and erratic. Singing on the tube was a way to drown out my problems and escape. When you’re in the middle of a manic episode, you don’t think about what you look like or how you come across.
source

I don’t like standing near the edge of a platform when an express train is passing through. I like to stand back and, if possible, get a pillar between me and the train. I don’t like to stand by the side of a ship and look down into the water. A second’s action would end everything. A few drops of desperation.
Winton Churchill’s black dog

There are days you are all sunshiny, life is a song, and then suddenly someone switches off the lights. Nothing is going right, no one is on your side. You want to be left alone, curl up in some dark hole, cry your eyes out, weep, whine and whimper, fall apart. Nasty, trigger-happy little fellow, depression.
How Actor Deepika Padukone’s recent declaration of depression has made the topic a talkable one. (India)

But Noble isn’t – just – a provocateur. The mental health issues are real: he suffers from manic depression, had a breakdown in 2004, and has made work in the mental health sector – as artist in residence, for example, at Homerton hospital in London. The depression and loneliness in his work feel chillingly real.
Kim Noble

image

He Loves Me

He loves me.

He loves me even though I have a diagnosis of Bipolar disorder.

Even though I’m not great with the whole “mushy” thing, and generally show my affection through sarcasm and teasing.

Even when he found me on the bathroom floor covered in blood.

He loves me even though I mock his beard and continually enquire as to when he is going to enter Whisker Wars.

He loves me when I’m manic. And I call him up at some ungodly hour from the hospital. To inform him that I am going to bake a cake.

Even when I was psychotic and began to believe that he may actually be a criminal mastermind.

He loves me when I have to cancel the “date night” we rarely are able to have because I have had an allergic reaction to something.

He even waits outside the toilet with a glass of water.

He loves me even though I fall asleep during every damn movie we watch. Then he patiently restarts it the next night and asks me “what is the last thing you remember.” To which I reply; “I don’t know. I was asleep!”

He loves me even though I have scars, and stretch marks, and a post childbirth body. He says he loves me even more.

He loved me on the days I couldn’t get out of bed. The days I told him I couldn’t keep on living.

He saved my life. More than once. And he didn’t stop loving me.

He loves me even though I sing “The Thong Song” every time he mentions his Cisco qualifications.

He loves me even when I ask him inane questions. Like “If you had to sleep with either Susan Boyle or The Queen who would be the lucky lady?” And he will be all “neither.” And I will say “You have to choose. Or the world will DIE.” And this happens most days.

And also when I strap a garden gnome in his car, or tuck it into his side of the bed, or sit it on the toilet, and then upon discovery gleefully tell him that “he has been Gnomed!”

Even when I have been frogmarched by security guards.

Even when I forgot pretty much everything after ECT.

He loves me even though I veto his music choices on car journeys.

He lets me put on my playlist.

And doesn’t complain.

Much.

In the ten years we have been together I have spent a total of eight months in hospital, had at least 3 manic episodes, a handful of mixed episodes and countless depressions. He knows Bipolar disorder is episodic. That it may happen again. He still loves me.

He tells me every day he loves me. And every night before we go to sleep.

He loves me.

Me.

And I’m the luckiest girl in the world.

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20 Days of Valentines—Day 6

You Always Hurt

Mr. Hurt-So-Good is waiting for you at Etsy.  Just click on him.


Binge Watching, Depression and Isolation

I love binge watching. In our home we choose not to have cablevision, so if Maurice and I decide to follow a series we have to watch it on Netflix. If we find we like a show we begin binge watching. For those of you who have not heard of binge watching, it is viewing […]

The post Binge Watching, Depression and Isolation appeared first on Insights From A Bipolar Bear.