31 days of bipolar: 2

Me me meme.

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2. What is your baseline mood/state? How does that impact your life?

It is, I am not proud to admit, depression.

The impact is probably obvious, so I’ll try to find some less obvious and even positive things.

I’m quite good at depression; it gets to a pretty serious level before I even notice it much. I know the difference between suicidal ideation and intention. Because it’s always been my default state, by the time someone finally said hmmmm … bipolar … I’d already gone through that whole bs of thinking I could stop taking meds, so I’m sweetly meds compliant now. I’d like to think it has made me compassionate towards sad people. And of course, I’m a walking encyclopaedia of info on antidepressants and so forth.

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Because I’ve always, always spent most of my life wishing I were dead, I’m (too) good at living in the now. I’m self aware to the point of being extremely tedious. I think too much. It took too long to realise that although I did need to get out of my head, there were healthier ways to do it than those I employed.

It makes things tough for people who love me. It makes the question how are you fraught with overthought obstacles for me. I miss such a lot, because I either can’t be arsed to go anywhere, or don’t enjoy it when I do. It means I haven’t got a clue what euthymia means. It makes me so bored with myself. It makes me think well, it’s all been more shit than shine for the past 40 odd years, what’s the point and who cares and … all of those adolescent emo things. I hide and isolate; good things have always come with mania and dire consequences. No, not always – the very existence of the people I love is testament to that. And books and music. Lots. See, positives.

Every time I open my mouth about it, I worry people will think I’m fishing for sympathy, or expecting them to solve it. A large part of why I needed this blog, was to have a place where I could puke it all out without those fears.

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And now that I am aware of it all, mania isn’t fun anymore, so that’s no longer a relief. Right now I seem to be shifting from depression to mixed again. Kill me nao.

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