Daily Archives: January 16, 2015

Sometimes it’s a bitch

Like that Stevie Nicks song.
Sometimes, life is a bitch. It just is.
This week I have been hit with wretched allergy attacks (as had as my kid.) Then I get slammed with the most excrutiating shark week pains I can remember having in months. I am talking cramps, bloating, back pain akin to being in labor…
I have been impatient, irritable, downright hostile. I don’t want to be touched by kid cats or even air. I don’t want to talk or smile. I want to assume the fetal position and nurse my sneezing and coughing and my aching body that feels bruised from head to toe.
I power through the flu, colds, hell I was doing high kicks twenty minutes after giving birth.
This shark week stuff…takes me down hard.
And trying to explain it to people is futile. They just think you’re being a dramatic wuss and milking the female pms experience.
I felt so lousy yesterday I couldn’t even chainsmoke. I ended up with half a pack of smokes left this morning. That is soooo not me.
Not to mention I lured my kid to bed at 7 pm just so I could sleep. I was good for nothing, not watching shows, not chatting, nothing. Just this pain encompassed husk of agitation.

Throw in drowning in sinus drainage and the inability to breathe without coughing to the point of snapping a rib…
Yesterday was shit.

The phone rang several times last night. I quashed the ringer and went right back to sleep. I thought it would be better today.

I was sooo wrong. So very wrong. It’s not even 7 am and I have already filled myself with Tylenol and allergy pills.
And I gotta give my kid flonase and claritin before i take her to school cos she is wheezing.

Sometimes’ it’s bitch.

To make it worse, R wants me to come to the shop (or he did yesterday, after I went in and the shop computer died so nothing got done).
Oh, and his wife sent me a text wanting to do the margeritas at the restaurant thing again tonight.
I can’t keep up with these people. I need serious vegetation time.
I’ve already lined a playdate/sleepover up for my kid Sunday night with Grandma so I can have a little break. And feel like a bad mommy for needing one.

Now I’m in pain and I am pissy and even my horrorscope says I should withdraw today because I am in a state where I’m like to say or do something catastrophic to my relationships. (No, I don’t buy into that astrology stuff,but it confirms what I am feeling in my gut.)
Avoid, retreat, regroup.

Mrs R will understand I am sure. (And she probably only asked cos her other friend is busy again this week.)
R, on the other hand, has all the empathy and compassion of Hitler.

I just…I am in so much pain I am half tempted to go the hospital outpatient and ask for prescription strength pain killer. That ibuprofen derivative they gave me after I had my kid was wonderful. No loopiness, just hardcore pain relief. I need that. I need an IV drip of that.
And if they have something for this “Do not look at me or I will stab your eyes out with a spork” irritated thing…
I’ll take a keg of that.

I have enough issues being stable without getting blindsided every month with this shit. Usually if I can survive the precursor and first day I am ok.
Today is just not looking good.
Hell, even my knees hurt and they haven’t hurt in a long time. It’s like my pain receptors have gone haywire.
It makes me feel weak and wussified and I do not like it.

I also don’t like the guilt that comes with admitting, I don’t feel well enough to be what these people/er friends, around me need me to be. Which is them. Work work work and go out and do it all over weekly.
The brakes need to be applied.

I am so pathetic I can’t even handle going out once a week for “fun”.

But hey, sometimes its a bitch and so am I.

Welcome Home

Now that I’m on FaceBook, I’m receiving more wonderful, life-affirming joy like this.  Thanks, Marshall!

(If this had happened when I arrived in Heathrow back in September, I would have been a puddle.)

Depression – it’s not an illness, it’s an infection!!!!! REALLY!!????

Okay, so as I sit here, I am spitting mad. My sister in law sent me a link via facebook this morning that stated depression is a result of inflammation in the body. So I read that article which was … Continue reading

Are You Ready to Feel Better?

In July of 2005 I got a very bad headache.  A debilitating headache.  It didn't go away for a couple of weeks so I sought medical treatment.  Long story short, I still have it.  Lots of tests and doctors and treatments later.  No answers.  But that's not what this post is about.

I got the headache.  We tried a bunch of stuff, including Lortab.  It was great and made me feel awesome, but it didn't take the headache away.  And it made it difficult for me to function as a mother and an employee.  So I quit taking it and just didn't take anything for several months.  The headache intensity fluctuated.  If it got too bad, I just took a nap.  The pain meds weren't worth the trade off of being completely non-functional and the rebound headaches I'd get.

But in October of 2006 my headache got bad and stayed bad for quite a while.  I went to the doctor and desperately asked if there was something else we could try.  Wasn't there something that could help that wouldn't make me feel like a zombie?

He said it was time to go to the pain clinic.  Again, that's another story for another day.  But there's one element that needs to be told for this post to have meaning.

In addition to the regular medical stuff we would try with the doctors, they wanted me to meet with their psychologist.  I don't remember his name, and he has since retired.  Let's just call him Dr. Old Guy.

So I met with Dr. Old Guy.  He said we would work on bio-feedback and relaxation.  He gave me a cd and told me he wanted me to spend thirty minutes twice a day listening to it and practicing guided relaxation.  I may possibly have laughed in his face at the idea of two thirty minute relaxation sessions a day.  He said the fact that it seemed impossible to me was just a sign that we were on the right track.  Whatever.

So I did it and came back to meet with him again.  And as we walked into his office for our second appointment he asked me a question that has stuck with me ever since.  Haunted me?  Maybe.  He asked, "Are you ready to feel better?"

It kind of stopped me in my tracks.

Now it could very well have been one of those things that really doesn't mean anything.  It could have just been his way of saying, "Let's get started."

But I pondered it.  I analyzed it.  I agonized over it.

Was there something I was gaining from having this headache that made me resistant to healing and was that why I wasn't getting better?

At the time it seemed ridiculous.  What good was there in a headache?  It had caused so much stress in my life.  It had disrupted so many of my plans.  It would eventually be the reason I had to quit my job.  How on earth could anyone think I was choosing this?  Was I choosing it?

The reason any of this matters all these years later is because of my word for the year.  I chose HEAL as my word for 2015.  And I still hear this question in my head.  "Are you ready to feel better?"

And I still don't know the answer.

was kurt cobain bipolar?

I’ll be honest, I don’t care either. I love and miss Kurt, I’m just not into forensic psychiatry. This is just an excuse for some quotes, links and gifs of that beautiful and tragic boy. He screamed pain to and for those of us Generation X-ers who felt pain too. He was the 90s.


“Kay Redfield Jamison, Professor of Psychiatry at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine and leading US expert on bipolar, selected Kurt as the poster boy for a 2004 study of bipolar disorder (manic depression) and creativity.”
Kurt Cobain and Manic Depression


“What if Kurt Cobain took Lithium instead of heroin? Would he still be alive today?
Kurt Cobain was diagnosed with ADD at a young age, and with bipolar thereafter, according to an interview with Kurt’s cousin Bev Cobain. Bev Cobain is a registered nurse with a background working in mental health. Her books include “Dying to Be Free: A Healing Guide for Families After a Suicide,” and “When Nothing Matters Anymore: A Survival Guide for Depressed Teens.””
Did Bipolar Kill Kurt Cobain?


What is wrong with me [x3]
I’m gonna do with what you think
If you ever think at all
Bi-polar opposites attract
All of a sudden my water broke
Nirvana – Radio Friendly Unit Shifter


I’m so happy cuz today I found my friends
They’re in my head
Nirvana – Lithium


Dark, Blue Nights.

IMG_1612 blue IMG_2706   DSCN3011IMG_2705  DSCN3064